movie reviews by PvtCaboose91

The primary creative force behind Lady Magdalene's, J. Neil Schulman, may be somewhat of a successful novelist, but he cannot in good conscience add filmmaking to his list of credentials. While Schulman wants you to believe that Lady Magdalene's is a smart action-comedy satirising today's post-9/11 climate, the resulting picture is an agonising catastrophe; it's a two-hour black hole of tedium from which absolutely no joy can escape. This is not a case of "so bad it's good" like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room - instead, Schulman's movie is so bad that it's just really, really bad. As of December 2011, Lady Magdalene's has not been picked up for major distribution. The closest thing to distribution that Schulman could manage was an endorsement from a shady meal supplement company and uploading the rancid movie to YouTube. If that's not a red flag about the movie's quality, I don't know what is.

After IRS agent Jack Goldwater (Ethan Keogh) is humiliated when he tries to detain a suspicious-looking Arab-American on a plane, he is relieved of his Federal Air Marshal duties and busted down to an embarrassing desk job. Jack's assignment is to take control of a Nevada brothel run by Lady Magdalene, a.k.a. Maggie (Nichelle Nichols). As Jack begins to settle in, one of the prostitutes is murdered, triggering an investigation. The murder raises suspicion with Jack, in particular, who soon finds out that it may be tied to a larger terrorist threat to the entire nation.

The technical shortcomings of Lady Magdalene's stick out the most - a sense of amateurism hangs over this frequently ugly-looking film. However, perhaps the term "amateurish" is a bit too flattering since YouTube filmmakers can produce superior movies. Cinematographer Scott MacDonald should never be allowed to work again - various shots throughout the film are too overexposed, blending skin tones with rocks or walls. Additionally, the camera is often shaky for no rhyme or reason, while the framing reveals that the camera operators must have an exceedingly poor grasp of such essential principles as headroom and looking room. It seems the filmmakers also fail to realise that abrupt zooms look incredibly unprofessional. There is absolutely no style or sense of visual flair here. The action is meant to be exciting, yet even parody movies like Hot Shots! have better action. The comedy is intended to be funny, but the flick is obnoxiously laughless. And forget about it being "sexy"...

Lady Magdalene's was apparently produced for $500,000, but you wouldn't know it considering the drab colour scheme and incompetent special effects. The green-screening and digital compositing are notoriously bad, especially during driving scenes. For fuck's sake, rear projection techniques in the '50s look positively immaculate compared to the green-screening here. Compounding this awfulness, the editing is often harsh and jarring, while the sound mixing is pure amateur hour - for instance, ringtones are not properly integrated into the environment, as they sound like a piece of the score added in post-production. Speaking of the soundtrack, the music is often overbearing, grating and inappropriate; Daniel May's compositions would be better suited for a fucking elevator. Of course, technically inferior films can still be entertaining, but Schulman provides absolutely nothing as compensation for his shoddy filmmaking. Lady Magdalene's is poorly-paced, and Schulman has absolutely no understanding of comic timing. Admittedly, a few moments have comedic potential, but the delivery is way off. (The James Bond references are cringe-worthy.) For the most part, the dialogue is tin-eared as well. Nothing ever engages you at any point during the picture's unbearably prolonged 120-minute runtime.

J. Neil Schulman is an untalented hack, not a filmmaker in any sense of the word. The main problem with Lady Magdalene's is the lack of authority that permeates the picture. In great films like The Godfather, every frame feels puppeteered by a director who is in control of his movie. In Lady Magdalene's, scenes routinely unfold in an undisciplined manner, as if Schulman filmed a single take of every slate because he didn't feel comfortable giving his performers strong direction. Schulman's staging and mise-en-scène are often poor, as well - take, for example, a fight in a brothel that literally looks as if Schulman filmed a lackadaisical first rehearsal and called it a day. Fucking hell, even firearm techniques are lax, with performers wandering around half-heartedly brandishing their guns even though their characters are meant to be professionals. Exacerbating this is a facepalm-inducing instance of product placement, as a character reads director Schulman's own book, Escape from Heaven, in one scene. The sense of narcissism is overpowering. We get it, Neil: you love yourself.

Amidst all this is a cast one can't help but pity. Former Star Trek regular Nichelle Nichols is the most seasoned and professional actor in the cast, but she overdoes her performance as the titular Lady Magdalene, and it looks like she is mugging the camera. Ethan Keogh and Mark Gilvary are the only ones who show a degree of potential here, with Keogh emitting genuine charm and Gilvary scoring the only laughs in the entire picture (one of which is an outtake, mind you). These two aren't perfect, though - Keogh seems frequently bored, and his comedic delivery is flat, while Gilvary's performance is in dire need of discipline since he sometimes rambles. The rest of the actors range from unbelievably bad to merely serviceable. Even writer-director Schulman himself waddles into the frame to play a role, placing forth a performance dripping with unearned egotism and repulsive overconfidence. Schulman spouts his lines with a knowing wink as if to imply that he believes his writing is the pinnacle of excellence.

Somewhere inside Lady Magdalene's is a promising idea for an action-comedy, but the potential is utterly wasted in the hands of J. Neil Schulman. The script is slipshod, the cinematic techniques bring shame to the term "cinematic technique", and the actors often look bored out of their minds. Great films put us under a spell and engage our attention, but during Lady Magdalene's, you'll be left struggling to accept the poor filmmaking and desperately trying to endure the awfulness with your sanity intact. And then, just when you think it's over (and fucking hope it's over, for the sake of your well-being), there's an entirely superfluous 20-minute end credit reel consisting of a few music videos (I think?), outtakes (again, I think?), and maybe some deleted scenes, or something? All of this malarkey only serves to prolong the agonising experience of Lady Magdalene's and remind you that you have just wasted precious hours of your life you will never get back. I'd rather do time in Guantanamo Bay than watch this travesty again. Don't quit your day job, Neil.

0.5/10

A troubled couple undergoing marriage counselling, Lloyd (Kevin Spacey) and Caroline (Judy Davis) constantly fight and bicker, with divorce seemingly a likely outcome. It is Christmas Eve, and nothing but gloom lies ahead for the pair, who will soon welcome their highly dysfunctional extended family. Elsewhere in town, cat burglar Gus (Denis Leary) is on the run from local police after a failed attempt to rob an affluent mansion. With the police setting up roadblocks, Gus takes hostages - and, unfortunately for him, he chooses Lloyd and Caroline. Bad choice. Although Gus should be in control since he has a gun, the thief soon finds himself in an intolerable situation as the couple fiercely argue into the night. Further complicating the situation is the unexpected presence of Lloyd and Caroline's son, Jesse (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.), while Lloyd's family are still en route to the house to celebrate Christmas. Trying to weather the storm, Gus poses as Lloyd and Caroline's therapist in front of their family while the police expand their search.

A dark comedy inhabited by unlikeable and morally questionable individuals, The Ref is an agreeable reprieve from feel-good, saccharine-coated, family-friendly Christmas pictures. In the vein of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the movie explores dysfunctional family dynamics and the tensions between families that normally remain hidden. Furthermore, the script takes satirical jabs at the typical, worthless presents that families often gift each other but everyone actually despises (socks, sweaters, and so on). Although The Ref is not necessarily a mature examination of the difficulties of marriage, the screenplay does effectively highlight the ridiculousness of some couples who launch into a full-blown argument over the most minor and insignificant things. Although the movie momentarily slips from the misanthropic to the sentimental as the final act kicks in, the tonal change feels somewhat earned, leading to an agreeably unconventional climax. Demme reshot the ending following negative test screenings, though the director later regretted the change. Your mileage may vary, but this reviewer believes the theatrical ending is fitting and satisfying.

The Ref features a uniformly excellent cast. Kevin Spacey (pre-downfall) and Judy Davis are ideal as Lloyd and Caroline, delivering their side-splitting dialogue with incredible zest and comedic energy. Their verbal sparring also possesses a nasty edge since they do not fight cutely; instead, they ferociously battle with tongues sharp enough to slice someone's fucking jugular. As long as you can overlook the recent allegations against Spacey, the actor is terrific here. Equally funny is stand-up comedian and MTV star Denis Leary, who worked with Demme on MTV spots and a Showtime comedy special. The Ref was Leary's first film project as the top-billed star, and he manages to make Gus both menacing and oddly likeable. With an almost unending supply of uproarious one-liners, Leary is a comedic delight here, and he also plays exceptionally well off his co-stars. In supporting roles, we have Glynis Johns (late of Mary Poppins) as Lloyd's big-mouthed monster of a mother (who even manages to draw Gus's ire), while the always-eccentric Christine Baranski often steals the spotlight as Lloyd's sister-in-law.

Aside from the cast, the dialogue is the flick's biggest asset. Bursting with razor-sharp, constantly hilarious and incisive dialogue, The Ref continually maintains interest as the actors deliver their witty lines with delightful relish. Late director Ted Demme (nephew of Oscar-nominated director Jonathan Demme) learned the filmmaking ropes at MTV, but he thankfully eschews flashy visual mannerisms here. Thus, The Ref is welcomely free of gimmicky filmmaking, and Demme perpetually keeps the narrative engaging through astute editing and the terrific performances. The Ref's only problem is that the material outside Lloyd and Caroline's household only occasionally works. While it is amusing to witness the incompetence of the bumbling police officers, and Raymond J. Barry is great as a police lieutenant, other material is less successful (Barry's character has a subplot involving infidelity and losing his job that ultimately leads nowhere).

With its perfect cast and uproarious screenplay, plus scenes with It's a Wonderful Life playing on the television, The Ref possesses all the earmarks of a genuine Christmas classic, making it unsurprising that it is a Christmastime staple for many households despite its misanthropic tone. Ahead of its time with its cynical attitude towards Christmas, it is a great companion piece to 2003's Bad Santa, and a double feature of the two would make for excellent holiday viewing for those with a disdain for the festive season.

8.5/10

The anarchic King Hyperion (Rourke) is looking to conquer mortal men, and begins searching for a God-like weapon known as the Epirus Bow to help him unleash the malevolent Titans. Hyperion achieving his goals would bring about mankind's destruction, as well as the end of the reign of Zeus (Evans) and his pantheon of Gods. After witnessing the desecration of his village and the death of his mother at the hands of Hyperion, skilled peasant Theseus (Cavill) vows revenge. As Hyperion rallies his troops, Theseus prepares for the battle of his life with assistance from thief Stavros (Dorff) and virgin oracle Phaedra (Pinto) whose visions imply that disaster is ahead.

Comparing Immortals to 300 on the basis of how it looks is unfair - Singh's film may share the same producers, but it's not much like Zach Snyder's earlier feature at all. Snyder set out to replicate the look and feel of a Frank Miller graphic novel, but Singh's visual style is inspired by ancient Baroque art (that is, sculptures and paintings which are exaggerated and ornately detailed to convey as much information as possible without words). The exact essence of Baroque has been captured by Tarsem and cinematographer Brendan Galvin, who have used phenomenal shot composition and a gorgeous colour scheme to communicate drama and chaos with minimal lines of dialogue. It's a truly masterful approach. After all, movies are a visual medium and, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Every nickel of Immortals' estimated $75 million budget is accounted for on the screen, with lavish costumes, highly-detailed sets, and plenty of digital effects which infinitely extend the film's scope. While blockbusters with a surplus of CGI usually fail to gel, the technique actually works here because the effects are solid and have weight and inertia, and it suits the aesthetic.

The narrative eventually culminates with a concluding act dedicated to action and warfare, with Hyperion charging the final stronghold of men and looking to breach the Titans' mountain prison. Immortals has isolated action beats throughout the first two acts that leave you breathless, but the climax is a spectacle beyond belief. Tarsem avoided the shaky-cam/rapid-fire editing approach which is notorious for turning action into an incomprehensible blur. Instead, the framing is often wide and sturdy, allowing us to enjoy the carnage and actually watch the terrific fight choreography. There is the occasional use of slow motion whenever the Gods are around due to their superhuman speed, but the technique is not frequent or distracting. If anything, there's not enough slo-mo, because there's so much violent awesomeness to see and so little time to properly absorb it. On this basis, Immortals deserves multiple viewings. Granted, it's difficult to get emotionally invested in the picture's story and characters, but it's also difficult to tear your eyes away from the screen because it's constantly bursting with rich, layered, enthralling imagery.

As Theseus, Henry Cavill (a.k.a. the new Superman in Zack Snyder's Man of Steel) admittedly has difficulties trying to act tough, but he's nevertheless sincere and earnest, and he has a likeable screen presence. (His work here is definitely better than Sam Worthington's performance in Clash of the Titans.) Meanwhile, it seems like Mickey Rourke had a grand old time chewing the scenery as the wicked King Hyperion. Mickey's performance affords the film a genuine sense of gravitas, and the star is not as underused here as he was in Iron Man 2. Digging into the supporting cast, a surprisingly ripped Stephen Dorff is solid as Stavros, while Freida Pinto was a good pick for the virgin oracle. Rounding out the cast is Luke Evans, who's terrific and intense as Zeus' God form.

Perhaps the biggest shortcoming of Immortals is the lingering sense that there should be more - more to the journey, more to the narrative, and more to the scope in general. It leaves you thinking that a bigger budget could have allowed for an extra 20 or 30 minutes of material to leave the film feeling truly epic. However, none of this implies that Immortals is unsatisfying. On the contrary, it's an almost instant classic, and it says something about the quality of the movie if your biggest criticism is that it leaves you wanting more of it. While Immortals fails to pack the emotional punch of 300 or Gladiator, this is a beautifully-rendered flick which delivers what it promised on the tin. In other words, if you're a joyless cynic you'll probably hate it, but if you can embrace the material and appreciate the choice of visual storytelling, you'll enjoy yourself immensely.

7.6/10

A Christmastime staple, Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life is a rare film which has withstood the test of time and continues to touch millions of people through its themes, boundless appeal, and emotional power. Admittedly, compared to Miracle on 34th Street or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, It's a Wonderful Life is not exactly a Christmas film in the classical sense - after all, only the finale occurs on Christmas Eve, and the story has nothing to do with Santa Claus. Nevertheless, this film encapsulates the true spirit of the holiday: the value of family and friends, and the importance of giving rather than receiving. Furthermore, It's a Wonderful Life can be watched at any time of the year because of its feel-good themes as well as its potent message about the significance of a single human soul.

The story commences on Christmas Eve, with a chorus line of prayers originating from the small town of Bedford Falls pleading for the angels to aid the despairing George Bailey (James Stewart). The unsung hero of Bedford Falls, George aspired to travel the world and study at University, but was forced to relinquish his dreams to manage his late father's business to make sure it won't fall into the hands of wealthy schemer Mr Potter (Lionel Barrymore). George always acts in the interests of others, and in his adult life, he marries the beautiful Mary (Donna Reed) with whom he has four beautiful children. However, financial problems and personal issues suddenly mount, overwhelming George and plunging him into a tragic abyss of despair. Enter George's guardian angel Clarence (Henry Travers), who arrives from Heaven to heighten the depressed man's spirits. To achieve this end, Clarence shows George a vision of a world in which he never existed.

Flashbacks constitute the first two-thirds of It's a Wonderful Life, with Clarence learning about George's background and observing the events leading up to his suicide contemplation. Such a device is a structural masterstroke, as it allows viewers to see George's past alongside Clarence. Additionally, the script meticulously develops George's character while the knowledge of his depression sits at the back of our minds. Conveying an entire movie's worth of material, Capra accommodates the full breadth of George's life, treating it with the care it deserves. We become immersed in George's existence, and we fall in love with the man; it seems impossible that anything could threaten to destroy his life, or he could lose his temper. This brand of gentle, enthralling character development is gratifying and essential, letting us see what's at stake when Clarence at long last descends to earth to meet George. And since we grow to love George so much, the climax is all the more poignant (almost unbearably so).

It's a Wonderful Life is such an effective feel-good movie because it asserts the notion that everyone, regardless of how insignificant they may seem, can make a difference. The angels describe life as "God's greatest gift", and Capra delivers the message that worldly riches mean nothing compared to love, family, friends, honesty and integrity. This all culminates with a goosebump-inducing finale, which never fails to leave this reviewer a blubbering mess. Indeed, anybody who is not moved by the flick's final few minutes should wonder what is wrong with them. Additionally, It's a Wonderful Life is so often referred to as cheesy and sentimental, but it's also surprisingly dark at times. The lead-up to George's depression is heart-wrenching in its bleakness, and George's lurid odyssey through Pottersville - a community in which he was never born - contains traces of film noir, as it's realistically gloomy.

Capra makes the most of the estimated $3 million budget; It's a Wonderful Life is a technically impressive motion picture from top to bottom. The fictional town of Bedford Falls seems authentic, as the crew actually constructed an elaborate main street consisting of numerous buildings and stores; consequently, it feels like a lived-in town as opposed to a studio back-lot. Additionally, filming took place during summer months, necessitating the creation of artificial snow. Fake snow often fails to convince, but every flake of snow in It's a Wonderful Life looks genuine. Admittedly, there are a few technical issues, such as wide shots not precisely matching close-ups, or a shonky transition as Clarence disappears during a scuffle, but such shortcomings scarcely matter. Capra's pacing is magnificent, while the black & white, 35mm photography (courtesy of three credited cinematographers) bursts with visual flair. And although the film is vehemently a drama, gentle humour livens the proceedings from time to time, making the viewing experience even more delightful.

While Capra and his co-writers (Frances Goodrich and Albert Hackett) deserve some of the recognition for It's a Wonderful Life's brilliance, Stewart's immaculate performance truly makes the film work. Stewart portrays George Bailey with a deft mixture of innocence and integrity, not to mention humanity and fallibility, which ensures viewers will root for him from the outset. Stewart fits the role like a glove - he's amiable and convincing, and his desperation and despair is increasingly apparent when he's submerged into the vision of Pottersville. Equally striking is Reed as George's wife, Mary. Reed was not Capra's first choice, but it's hard to imagine anyone else in the role, as she embodies the sweetness required to convincingly capture George's heart. Meanwhile, as George's guardian angel, Travers is utterly charming. The rest of the supporting cast is just as impressive - Barrymore emanates cunning and malice as the wicked Potter, while Thomas Mitchell makes for an endearing (albeit incompetent) Uncle Billy. Capra never allows a faulty acting moment to sneak into his masterpiece.

With It's a Wonderful Life's strong reputation and almost unanimous acclaim, it's difficult to believe that it was not a hit during its theatrical release. In addition to mixed reviews, the box office earnings were underwhelming, which doomed Capra's newly established production company, Liberty Films. It earned a few Academy Award nominations, but won nothing at the ceremony. Subsequently, It's a Wonderful Life fell into relative obscurity until the picture's copyright expired and it entered the public domain, meaning that television stations could play it ad nauseam without the need to pay royalties. Thus, it was used as a TV time-filler during the Christmas season, resulting in its rediscovery by a whole new generation. At last, decades later, the reviews were uniformly positive, and It's a Wonderful Life received the love and acclaim it always deserved. If It's a Wonderful Life was never created, the world would have been worse off for it.

An elderly battle axe of a teaching veteran, Barbara Covett (Dench) enjoys writing in her diary on a constant basis, chronicling fantasies and experiences as she gossips for her own entertainment. Past the age of 70, Barbara is approaching retirement, and has become overly cynical and disenfranchised with today's youth and school system. Enter naïve new high school teacher Sheba Hart (Blanchett), whose idealistic aspirations exceed her abilities, and who has trouble fitting in with the experienced educators. Sheba finds a good, strong friend in Barbara, though, and the pair hit it off marvellously. However, Barbara soon witnesses Sheba having a sexual tryst with 15-year-old schoolboy Steven (Simpson). She agrees to protect the secret, but begins advising Sheba on what to do about the situation, all the while harbouring a more sinister agenda.

Notes on a Scandal is so effective thanks to its penchant for fascinating character psychology. With the narrative framed by voiceovers in the form of entries in Barbara's private journal, we are invited into Barbara's head from the very outset. On the surface Barbara seems like a sweet, frail old woman, but her acerbic internal thoughts provide an effective snapshot of her calculating mind that's overloaded with pretentious, unforgiving thoughts as she discusses her recent conquests and schemes. Barbara is the antagonist of the film of course, and your sympathies will likely be with Sheba due to how human she is, but Barbara is nevertheless fleshed-out and three-dimensional enough that you cannot flat-out label her as a bad person. Another strong suit of Notes on a Scandal is the dialogue, which is consistently engaging. Screenwriter Patrick Marber (who also wrote Closer) has done a phenomenal job of translating the book to the screen, leading to a much-deserved Oscar nomination.

Marber's script was magnificently brought to life by director Richard Eyre, whose efforts keep the film moving forward at a swift pace with literally no lags or boring patches. Sure, it'd be easy to craft a great movie with such a superlative script and this ensemble of fantastic performers, but it fell to Eyre to keep the film tight and disciplined; a task he fulfilled magnificently. Such luminosity extends to the Oscar-nominated score by Phillip Glass, which is permeated with layers of strings to add further dimension to the onscreen action. On a less positive note, though, Notes on a Scandal falters as it approaches the finish line. Writer Patrick Marber lightened up the tone of the ending of Heller's book, leading to a poor final scene that feels too mainstream-friendly. Ultimately, the conclusion does not match the story's potential, and it flames out on a note of "meh" rather than staying true to the dark emotional intensity preceding it.

At its heart, Notes on a Scandal is a masterclass of acting, with Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett perfectly bringing life to their flawed, multifaceted characters. Dench has consistently shown that she's a versatile actress, but here she manages to surprise us yet again. While the role asked for Dench to be cruel and callous, she also had to sell the character's vulnerability as well as Barbara's sweet old woman exterior. Remarkably, she pulled it off. This could be Dench's finest performance to date; she's a tour de force, tackling the role of Barbara as if it was tailored for her. Her work is deliciously rich as well, making multiple viewings absolutely essential in order to catch all of the nuances on display. Meanwhile, Cate Blanchett is a perfect acting foil for Dench. Enthralling and emotionally dense, Blanchett inhabits the role; you feel as if you're seeing Sheba instead of just Blanchett. Not to be overlooked, the often comically-oriented Bill Nighy proves here that he's a strong dramatic actor. His interactions with Sheba and his Down Syndrome-suffering son are perfectly naturalistic and convincing, and a scene discussing Sheba's schoolboy dalliance proves that Nighy can handle intensity and emotion.

Student-teacher relations are certainly a topical issue in this day and age. Such criminal offenses are alarmingly common, and each case often gets plenty of press. A very adult film, Notes on a Scandal tenderly explores these types of relationships within the context of a transfixing psychological thriller brimming with emotional intensity. Viewers expecting a Dench/Blanchett pair-up to play for more a conservative or mainstream audience are advised to take note of its subject matter before watching.

7.8/10

Opening on Christmas Eve in the 1970s, 5-year-old Billy is looking forward to receiving presents from his beloved Santa Claus. However, Billy's mentally disturbed grandfather (Hare) shatters his excitement and frightens the impressionable youth, warning Billy that Father Christmas will punish the naughty children. The lad's fear is only exacerbated when he subsequently witnesses his parents being brutally murdered by a man in a Santa costume. Following this, Billy and his little brother are sent to a Catholic orphanage where Billy's psychological trauma is worsened by the nuns' strictness. Fast forward 10 years, and Billy (Wilson) is a productive member of society with a job at a local toy store. But when Christmas season approaches, Billy's boss forces the traumatised boy to don a Santa outfit and act as the jolly big man. Things do not go well, however - Billy snaps, grabs an axe, and sets out to punish all the naughty boys and girls.

The entire first half of Silent Night, Deadly Night is dedicated to exposition, with the flick delving into every detail of Billy's childhood and Santa-related traumas. For an '80s slasher, it's rather commendable that writer Michael Hickey and director Charles E. Sellier Jr. were willing to use so much time setting up the characters before Billy's murderous rampage. Additionally, Sellier's direction is surprisingly accomplished, giving the picture a stark, grim feeling and infusing several scenes with genuine tension (even if the murder set-pieces are predictable). Nonetheless, Silent Night, Deadly Night takes itself a tad too seriously. Some scenes are unintentionally funny, but at other times the film goes through the ridiculous motions with such a straight face that it feels vile and callous instead of delightfully campy. Worse, the score is nails-on-a-chalkboard grating. Perhaps the film's biggest sin, though, is that it feels worthless and gutless; there's no intelligence or any sort of rationale behind the violence. One could contend that it comments on unnecessarily over-the-top disciplinary methods, but the film's treatment of this is entirely surface-level, as the nuns are painted in broad strokes of black and white as flat-out evil.

At least one can laugh at the idiocy of Silent Night, Deadly Night from time to time. For instance, when Billy is working as Santa at the toy store, he's clearly awkward and vindictive towards the children, but he goes through the day without a single complaint. Lulwhat? Added to this, a nun rings the toy store and finds out that Billy is playing Santa, but doesn't bother to warn anyone about the potential dangers of this...she just hangs up the phone and heads to her car. Good thinking. And what would a slasher be without dumb murder victims? A policeman guarding the local orphanage decides to sweep the outside of the building (instead of doing any, you know, actual guarding), making himself a prime target. His police tactics are laughable in every respect here. And the nuns don't even bother to lock the front door of the orphanage despite firmly believing that Billy is on his way.

Ultimately, slashers like Silent Night, Deadly Night are pretty much critic-proof, because they have their niche audience who'll enjoy the movie regardless of how forgettable, conventional and unremarkable it is. And hey, this sleazy flick is sporadically enjoyable. Nevertheless, this premise should have been done better, as the flick generates an aura of sadism more often than one of schlocky glee, leading to unmistakable banality.

4.8/10

While Santa Claus (Broadbent) is busy delivering presents around the globe, his eldest son Steve (Laurie) oversees Christmas operations from a control room, assisting the holiday routine with 21st Century technology as he prepares for his impending Santa debut. Meanwhile, Santa's other son Arthur (McAvoy) spends his time in the mail room reading and answering letters from the children around the world. Unfortunately, amidst the frantic Christmas Eve procedures, a glitch leaves one sole present undelivered. Arthur is mortified at the notion of a child being left without a gift, but Steve is oddly comfortable about the loss. Hence, Arthur recruits the elderly, cynical Grandsanta (Nighy) and a plucky elf named Bryony (Jensen) to deliver the item and preserve Santa's integrity. Grandsanta unearths his retired sleigh and reindeer (these days a huge spacecraft is used), and they set out for England with a scant two hours left until sunrise and only a hazy idea of how to achieve their goal...

Aardman is predominantly recognised for their claymation techniques, most notably for Wallace and Gromit. But Arthur Christmas is a computer-animated feature, denoting the studio's second digital outing after 2006's Flushed Away. Retaining the plasticine charm of their earlier efforts, the animation here is somewhat of a hybrid of the old and the new. The backgrounds are remarkably detailed (the water effects are photorealistic), and the cinematography is far more dynamic than a stop motion animation feature would permit. But the design of the characters, while CGI, possess a clay figurine appearance, and wouldn't look out of place in a Wallace and Gromit adventure. There's a surplus of visual creativity to behold here, too, with sly background details that take multiple viewings to fully absorb. Additionally, several set-pieces throughout Arthur Christmas are excellent, including the hilariously enjoyable Christmas Eve operations and the nail-biting climax.

Unfortunately, despite its technical strengths, Arthur Christmas falters when it comes to the story's familial dynamics. The flick gets stuck in a serious rut during its midsection, and it meanders terribly; losing wit, ingenuity, and momentum as it sluggishly scrambles to deal with the laboured family dramatics and find a solution to its conventional plot obstacles. With Arthur's adventure having hit a serious hindrance, the focus is pulled away from him in order to concentrate on dramas within the house of Claus, but none of this stuff is engaging enough to sustain the portion of the runtime that it was allotted. As a result, there's an uncomfortable section of at least 20 minutes when you can happily take a bathroom break and not miss anything important. It takes a while for Arthur Christmas to recover from this, but it thankfully hits the finish line on a satisfying note, bringing the story to an end with warmth and heart before leaving us with a side-splitting epilogue. Still, the flick as a whole doesn't quite gel. It wanted to be a heartfelt family saga rather than just a disposable Christmas adventure, but the dramatic elements are simply not as interesting as Arthur's idealism.

Fortunately, the buoyant vocal cast help bring life to the screenplay even at its drabbest. James McAvoy is ideal as the titular Arthur Christmas, giving the role tremendous charm and believably making the character a lovable doofus. Well-known actors Jim Broadbent and Hugh Laurie also lend their voice talents to the ensemble, with Broadbent a perfect fit for Santa and Laurie almost unrecognisable as Steve (a role oddly reminiscent of Avatar's Colonel Quatrich). The show-stealers, though, are Billy Nighy and Ashley Jensen as Grandsanta and Bryony the elf (respectively). Nighy is especially fantastic; he clearly had an absolutely ball voicing the elderly curmudgeon who's dissatisfied with the technological overload of today's world. Jensen, meanwhile, is chipper and hasty, delivering her dialogue in an adorable Scottish brogue that makes her an utter joy whenever she's onscreen.

While Arthur Christmas lacks the emotion and maturity of a Pixar production, the story is underlined by a timely message: technology may be useful and fun, but it's pointless and vapid without a human touch. At the end of the day, though, Arthur Christmas is disappointingly scattershot, and it's not the instant Christmas classic it should have been. The picture's second act is a laboured, tedious bore, though this material is bookended by two acts brimming with heart, charm, excitement and imagination.

5.8/10

Adapted from the 2008 novel by Joe Dunthorne, Submarine is the feature-film debut for director Richard Ayoade. Ayoade has been somewhat of a British television comedy luminary over recent years, with appearances on shows like The IT Crowd and Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, the latter of which he directed and co-wrote. For his first film, Ayoade has predominantly eschewed his established form of comedy to concentrate more on poignant drama, rendering Submarine a shrewd drama-comedy about teen angst and the harsh realities of young love. While it does provide the occasional laugh, this is more of a quirky, almost arthouse-style fare. Suffice it to say, it's an acquired taste, but those who can tolerate the material may find this to be an enjoyable coming-of-age fable benefitting from a dry sense of humour and idiosyncratic visuals.

Oliver Tate (Roberts) is a 15-year-old from Wales with an active imagination. In his free time, he enjoys memorising new words in the dictionary and listening to music by French crooners, not to mention committing the occasional act of petty arson. As he endures the British school system of the late '80s, Oliver's parents hit a spot of marital trouble that's exasperated when Jill's first love, a psychic named Graham (Considine), moves into their neighbourhood. Panicking, Oliver starts working to keep his parents from splitting up, but the domestic trouble is nothing compared to his experiences with quirky classmate Jordana (Paige) who agrees to have a relationship with the naïve lad.

Split into three chapters that are bookended by a prologue and an epilogue, Submarine doesn't shy away from exploring the highs and lows of teenage love, not to mention the inanity of teen behaviour. Oliver wants to believe he's emotionally mature, but this is contradicted by his actions at times. For instance, he tries to remake Jordana in his own image by giving her books he enjoys and taking her to see The Passion of Joan of Arc. Additionally, Oliver tries to be wise while working to reconcile his parents' crumbling marriage, but his methods are juvenile. We're also given a glimpse into Oliver's psyche via constant narration and scenes depicting the protagonist's self-obsessed fantasies. Ayoade's love for cinema is on display from time to time as well, with Oliver's internal monologues discussing movie clichés and even predicting what a biopic of his life would be like. Pretty much the entire story is told from Oliver's perspective and is filtered through his viewpoint, allowing Submarine's visuals to say as much about Oliver's character as the actor playing him. Consequently, this is more than just an eccentric arthouse flick with nothing to say - it's a celebration of the idealism, brutality, innocence and stupidity of youth.

Guided with a sure directorial hand belying Ayoade's status as a first-time filmmaker, Submarine is a visually striking flick which impressively captures the time and place of Britain in the 1980s. Ayoade ostensibly borrowed from Wes Anderson's playbook for his mise-en-scène, with matter-of-fact shot construction, blocky chapter titles and dry humour. Ayoade also employed a variety of techniques to bring vivid life to Oliver's mind, though the flick's overriding atmosphere is grim and dank thanks to the constantly miserable weather. Meanwhile, the quirky, well-chosen soundtrack serves as a nice aural complement to the story. Narratively, the only flaw with Submarine is an out-of-place subplot that seems major but leads nowhere. Early in the story, Oliver feels guilty when he playfully taunts heavy-set girl Zoe (McCann) with a few classmates, causing the bully victim to transfer to another school. To atone for this, Oliver tries to contact Zoe through the school lunch lady, but the subplot is immediately dropped after this. There's no satisfying payoff to Zoe's story, and in the long run this stuff comes off as an unnecessary distraction. Admittedly, too, the pacing begins slowing down during the third act.

Craig Roberts is pitch-perfect as Oliver Tate, effortlessly selling the character's wild imagination, contrived maturity, and utter naïveté. Alongside Roberts, Yasmin Paige is a delightful presence, and her performance allows us to understand why Oliver would be so smitten with her. Paige's key strength is in her ability to simultaneously play merry and moody, and she's able to comes off as uniquely quirky without seeming forced. Then there's Paddy Considine (Dead Man's Shoes) in the supporting role of the insipid New Age mystic who poses a threat to the marriage of Oliver's parents. Considine is a frequent scene-stealer thanks to his high energy levels. Meanwhile, in more minor roles, Sally Hawkins and Noah Taylor are understated yet incredibly rich as Oliver's mother and father. Also keep an eye out for Ben Stiller, who executive produced the film and who has a quick cameo as an actor in a soap opera.

One could contend that Submarine is a paint-by-numbers coming-of-age tale, and that it ends on a very familiar note of hope. At the very least, though, the ending feels earned, and Ayoade refused to close the film on a completely blatant, artificial note. Submarine may not be a game changer, but it does give vibrant new life to an old story. Ayoade is definitely a filmmaking talent to keep your eye on.

7.1/10

Everyone knows the story of A Christmas Carol by now (and if you don't, shame on you), but here's a summary: in 19th-century London, miserable old curmudgeon Ebenezer Scrooge (Michael Caine) lives his life without a thought towards kindness, and hates the jolly generosity that the Christmas season represents. Scrooge's selfishness and lack of compassion literally haunt him on the evening of Christmas Eve, when the ghostly apparitions of his late business partners, Robert and Jacob Marley (portrayed by the inimitable balcony hecklers Statler and Waldorf), visit him. The pair warn Scrooge about the errors of his wicked ways and reveal what awaits him in the afterlife if he does not repent. Throughout the night, Scrooge receives visits from three further ghosts who take him on a journey through Christmases past, present, and yet to come, hoping to convince Scrooge to change his cantankerous ways.

The likes of Kermit the Frog (Steve Whitmire), Miss Piggy (Frank Oz), Fozzie Bear (also Frank Oz), the Swedish Chef (David Rudman) and many other Muppets show up throughout The Muppet Christmas Carol to portray various characters from Dickens's story. The Muppets roam free here to provide fun humour, lighten up the proceedings (without cheapening the story), and inject their personalities into their roles, allowing this version to stand out from the hundreds of other Christmas Carol adaptations. The inclusion of Muppets renders the tale and its messages digestible to children who will likely receive their introduction to A Christmas Carol via this film. Also on the sidelines during the proceedings is the narrator, Charles Dickens - played by Gonzo (Dave Goelz) - and his friend, Rizzo the Rat (Steve Whitmire). The two beloved characters narrate the story, injecting commentary, discussions and comedic relief. However, the film does not overuse the device, as the characters artfully step aside at key points in the narrative, most notably for the grim scenes involving the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. Consequently, the film gets dark at times, reinforcing that this is a genuine retelling of the story instead of a silly parody.

In addition to its healthy sense of humour, The Muppet Christmas Carol is a musical containing several delightful song and dance numbers. With Paul Williams writing the songs (after working on 1979's The Muppet Movie and earning an Academy Award nomination for The Rainbow Connection), several tunes here are true keepers, and the soundtrack is frequently played during the festive season in this reviewer's household. One More Sleep 'til Christmas is an early musical standout, as it embodies the community spirit of jubilance and excitement on Christmas Eve. It Feels Like Christmas is another notably excellent track that effortlessly encapsulates the festive season's essence and makes you smile. Additionally, the finale is all the more heartwarming and touching with the accompanying song entitled When Love Is Found. Also worth noting is Miles Goodman's accompanying score, which is joyously Yuletide-soaked when it needs to be and suitably intense in other scenes. For the film's theatrical release, Disney demanded the removal of the song When Love Is Gone (sung by Meredith Braun as Scrooge's former love, Belle), though an extended edition featuring the excised track later appeared on VHS and LaserDisc. Fans are split on their preferred version of the movie, with Brian Henson believing that When Love Is Gone is essential and some fans refusing to buy DVD or Blu-ray releases without the song. Although the narrative feels more complete with the song's inclusion, it does noticeably slow the pacing due to its sombre tone, starkly contrasting with the movie's cheery, upbeat, festive-soaked original songs.

Michael Caine plays the iconic role of Ebenezer Scrooge with utmost sincerity, treating the material like a Shakespearean drama instead of a Muppet production. Indeed, despite starring alongside the Muppets, he treats his co-stars as actual actors, in turn bringing a sense of emotion and earnestness that is rarely seen in Muppet films or Christmas comedies in general. Caine nails Scrooge's chilling callousness in the film's early scenes and convincingly undergoes a steady transformation by interacting with the three spirits on Christmas night, exuding believable warmth after making the all-important turn. It is refreshing to witness a dramatic actor of Caine's immense calibre in what could have been a throwaway comedic role, and the thespian's portrayal of Scrooge is up there with George C. Scott and Alastair Sim's interpretations of the legendary miser. Meanwhile, the voice cast is just as good as Caine (in their own way, that is). The Muppet Christmas Carol is the first Muppet movie not to feature Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, as Steve Whitmire took over the role of Kermit after the legendary puppeteer's unfortunate death. Luckily, the transition is commendably seamless, with Whitmire presenting a new take on Kermit that would continue until his removal from The Muppets Studios in 2016. Miraculously, even though Juhl's screenplay includes much of the text's dry original dialogue, the movie is perpetually engaging thanks to the lively performances. Technical contributions across the board are likewise superb, with authentic-looking sets and vibrant cinematography. With director of photography John Fenner (1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) capturing the picture on 35mm celluloid, it looks like a proper film and carries strong visual gravitas.

Since The Muppet Christmas Carol keeps the source intact, the film retains the original story's themes and messages about not taking things for granted, the importance of leaving a positive legacy, and how the passage of time brings loss and regret. The ruminations on loss were undoubtedly timely for the Muppets crew during the production of the film due to Jim Henson's passing, and the movie is a perfect tribute to the legendary puppeteer and filmmaker since The Muppet Christmas Carol serves to entertain children while teaching them real-world morals and values. Suddenly, one of the film's key messages about living life to its fullest and bringing joy to others carries unbearable emotional weight because it mirrors the lessons Jim taught his son, Brian. For lovers of Christmas movies or Muppet movies, or admirers of Dickens's writing, you cannot go wrong with The Muppet Christmas Carol. It is delightful viewing for the whole family due to its heart, humour, charm and wonderful songs. It's a welcome Christmas treat that deserves continued prominence as one of the most beloved festive movies and holiday film traditions of our time.

9.0/10

Santa's Slay is about Santa Claus (wrestler Bill Goldberg), but this incarnation of the character is not the jolly fat guy we know and adore. As it turns out, Santa is the son of Satan who lost a bet with one of God's angels, forcing him into spreading cheer and goodwill for a thousand years. The story takes place as the thousand-year bet ends, and Saint Nick is free to murder and mutilate as much as he desires. On December 25th, he arrives in the small township of Hell (yes, Hell), riding on a sleigh driven by his "hell-deer" beasts to decimate the local population. The task of stopping the homicidal Kris Kringle falls to Nicolas (Douglas Smith), his would-be girlfriend Mary (the aforementioned Emilie de Ravin), and his eccentric grandfather (Robert Culp), who knows all about Santa's dark origins.

Are you sick of clichéd dysfunctional family Christmas films like Surviving Christmas and Christmas with the Kranks? Writer-director David Steiman clearly is, and he instantly lets us know about this perspective by completely skewering the very concept of such Yuletide movies. In the first scene of Santa's Slay, a bickering family - played by recognisable actors James Caan (Elf), Rebecca Gayheart (Urban Legend), Chris Kattan (Saturday Night Live) and Fran Drescher (The Nanny) - gather around for a Christmas lunch, creating the impression that we might be in for another dysfunctional family Christmas film. But then Goldberg's ruthless, Satanic Santa Claus promptly comes down the chimney and viciously murders them all in overzealous, funny ways, signalling that this is another type of Christmas movie. Heck, Steiman even pokes fun at holiday specials like Rankin/Bass's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by illustrating Santa's history with a claymation sequence.

Despite the flick's obscure, low-budget, direct-to-video origins, Brett Ratner served as a producer on Santa's Slay. After writer-director Steiman worked as Ratner's personal assistant for several movies (including Red Dragon, Rush Hour 2 and The Family Man), this picture allowed Steiman to try his hand at actual filmmaking. Right off the bat, Steiman does a marvellous job, making it unfortunate that Steiman has not made another movie as of 2024. The tone of Santa's Slay is agreeably campy and light-hearted, and the filmmaking itself is rock-solid for such a budget production. The murders are ridiculously funny - Santa stabs someone with a menorah for crying out loud, and in another scene, Santa's sled runs an old lady off the road. This material is glorious. Steiman's script also deploys plenty of amusing one-liners (including a play on Santa exclaiming "Ho ho ho!") to supplement the picture's humorous lunacy. But the film is not perfect - the score by Henning Lohner is too cheap and chintzy, and the budget limitations are sometimes obvious. Indeed, one gets the sense that Steiman could have done more with a higher budget. Nevertheless, Santa's Slay is a fun movie, which is all that matters in the long run.

The notion of wrestlers becoming actors does not often work (see Hulk Hogan in Santa with Muscles...), but casting Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus here was a stroke of genius. Goldberg absolutely relishes the chance to play this role, delivering a suitably tongue-in-cheek performance as the normally cheerful Father Christmas. He is surprisingly adept with one-liners, too, and Goldberg's outfit is perhaps the most impressive retro Santa costume to ever appear in a motion picture. Meanwhile, the late great Robert Culp (instantly recognisable as the voice of Wallace Breen from Half-Life 2) looks to be having the time of his life as Nicolas's grandfather. However, in the role of Nicolas, Douglas Smith is the cast's weakest link, as he is underwhelming and wooden. At the other end of the spectrum, though, Australian actress Emilie de Ravin is terrific as Mary - she is gorgeous and appears in tune with the movie's goofy tone.

At its core, Santa's Slay is a genuinely clever take on Santa Claus and the Christmas myth, on top of just being a good fun movie. Ridiculously cheesy, briskly paced and brimming with off-kilter humour, this is great offbeat Christmastime viewing. Plus, it does not outstay its welcome, as it is mercifully brisk at a hair under 75 minutes. If cheerful Christmas movies are not your thing, this is the type of flick you should watch on Christmas Eve with beers and pizza, back-to-back with Bad Santa.

7.0/10