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Rapid Descent in quality...

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 27 April 2010 01:21 (A review of The Descent: Part 2)

"This is a missing person's case. What the hell you think you're gonna find down there?"


Others may disagree, but this reviewer found 2005's The Descent to be utterly superb; masterfully made, intensely scary, claustrophobic, and affecting. Of course, in Hollywood it's popular practise to produce sequels to acclaimed films, and thus the inevitable The Descent: Part 2 has arrived four years after its predecessor scared the living daylights out of movie-goers. For lack of better word, The Descent: Part 2 is a sequel in the truest sense: it's more Americanised, less subtle, and much gorier. Instead of concentrating on characters and atmosphere, the makers of this follow-up have simply resorted to cranking up the gore and foregrounding the cave-dwelling crawlers. In fact, a sequel's existence is illogical since, in the original UK ending of the first film, there were no survivors. The American version of The Descent, though, was re-edited to facilitate a different conclusion, and the sequel follows on from this ending.



As The Descent: Part 2 commences, Sarah (Macdonald) is found bruised and bloodied after her terrifying ordeal but, conveniently, is now an amnesiac with no memory of the tragic caving trip. While searching for the rest of the girls in the area from which Sarah emerged, a tracker dog leads investigators to an abandoned mining church, which conveniently has an old yet still functioning elevator shaft leading down into the abyss. The local sheriff (O'Herlihy) insists on bringing Sarah down into the cave system to uncover the truth of what happened to the women. Of course, the logic of dragging Sarah along is ridiculous, and this the first of many things which are difficult to swallow in the film. It's not long before boulders come crashing down, the proverbial blind carnivores swarm in, the team are hunted and they eventually deduce that keeping quiet is their only true survival tool.


I'll start with the positives of The Descent: Part 2. For a moderately low-budgeted horror movie, it looks good, with convincing set design and handsome cinematography. Director John Harris (whose usual day job is as editor extraordinaire) acquitted himself competently with the set-pieces, and injected enough energy into the fights to suggest he deserves the chance to direct more movies. There are moments of real tension, too, which is almost unheard of in a horror sequel. 85% of the time, the scares are obvious (some are lazily recycled from the original film), but there are a few jump moments which work.



Moving onto the bad... Unfortunately, the writer-director of The Descent, Neil Marshall, did not to sign up for the same duties on this sequel, and his replacements aren't nearly as skilled. The Descent: Part 2 is infused with a basic plot which feels directly lifted from 1986's Aliens, with Sarah being unwillingly taken back to face a nightmarish foe by people who believe they know better. Additionally, similar to Aliens, new things are revealed about how the crawlers live, and a bigger version of a crawler appears towards the end. Unfortunately, whereas Aliens was an exceptional film which surpassed its predecessor, The Descent: Part 2 lacks gravitas and skill. The script is generally lazy, with a predictable sacrifice, a preposterous character return, and even a cheesy, melodramatic death scene. Meanwhile, the gun-toting sheriff is a colossal asshole who exists to drive the story forward with his spectacular stupidity. The performances are generally strong, but the dialogue is guaranteed to provoke unintentional laughter. When the sheriff asks what the creatures are, he gets the reply "Death." Appalling...


With the film jumping into the action as quickly as possible, character development is sacrificed. Let's not forget the original film made the audience wait a full hour before the crawlers began their predatory assault. Sure, it would be ill-advised to replicate the structure of the original film, but a lot more could've taken place before the characters ventured into the cave system. Without character development, this new group of individuals are nothing but generic, expendable crawler-fodder. A shame, since the previous film was so effective due to the spark between the main characters. One could feel their friendship and collective terror, making their deaths both tragic and terrifying. It's hard to feel anything for the characters in The Descent: Part 2, and, while the kills are technically proficient, there's no depth or emotion to them. Chances are you won't care about anyone, except for Sarah based on her appearance in the first film. Playing Sarah, Shauna Macdonald has no room to breathe (excuse the pun), and is given no chance to show the incredible range she demonstrated in the original movie.



Essentially, The Descent: Part 2 is an unneeded epilogue to the first film. One may even consider it a feature-length deleted scene. It's a major step down from its predecessor in almost every area, from the amount of effective scares to such things as dialogue and characters. Additionally, the twist ending of the movie is absolutely atrocious. It's a pointless, dumb, tacked-on conclusion which adds nothing but a frustrated groan and the opportunity for another sequel. In fact, it loses half a point for the ending alone.
After pointing out the myriad faults with this film, it would almost seem there's nothing to love about it. Truth is, it's serviceable enough as an action sequel, but it just eschews the strengths of the original in favour of gore and action. The Descent: Part 2 is an unnecessary follow-up, but at least it's a watchable one. If you're not prepared to accept that it simply isn't in the same league as its predecessor, then you should skip it. If you just want to see the crawlers doing some mangling, however, you'll find something to like here.

5.1/10



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A Descent into white-knuckle horror

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 26 April 2010 03:58 (A review of The Descent)

"Hey, there's something down here..."


British writer-director Neil Marshall made a splash in 2002 with the cult favourite Dog Soldiers. With his follow-up feature, The Descent, Marshall has raised his game several notches and proved he is among the best horror filmmakers in the business. Benefitting from truly remarkable cinematography, several iconic images, and a level of believability that rarely ebbs, The Descent is a creepy, white-knuckle horror offering in which even the cheap "boo!" moments are so expertly executed that they cause a jolt. Paying homage to an array of horror favourites, from Deliverance and Carrie to The Shining and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Marshall has arguably delivered the scariest genre flick since the '80s. For horror fans, this is a movie you cannot afford to miss.



The premise of The Descent is straightforward enough: one year after losing both her husband and daughter in an unfortunate car accident, the emotionally traumatised Sarah (Macdonald) joins a group of her closest girlfriends on a recreational cave trekking expedition. Alas, their adventure quickly transforms into a nightmare when a cave-in cuts them off from the only known exit. Making matters worse, it turns out that the group's de facto leader, Juno (Mendoza), has intentionally led the girls into an unmapped cave system. This turns out to be the least of their worries, however. They soon realise they are not alone, and there's a reason why the cave system has remained unmapped - it's home to a species of creature perfectly adapted for hunting in the dark. And what they hunt is other humans...


Seasoned horror fans should easily recognise the old dark house motif of The Descent, since the majority of the proceedings take place in a labyrinthine set of pitch black caves. Tension is effectively amplified in these low visibility areas, both before and after the creatures make their first appearance. Rest assured that from the moment of the group's first run-in with the crawlers, the thrills never let up as The Descent descends into a gripping bloodbath. For best effect, Marshall opted to utilise make-up and actors rather than CGI to bring the nasties to life, and their predatory assault on the women is the kind of stuff that horror is all about. Also, during this section, paranoia between the main characters is augmented as the film explores the absence of loyalty as well as the theme of mental instability. Crackerjack suspense sequences stem from this, along with an element that's more laudable than effective horror pandemonium: genuine unpredictability.



For a genre flick, one of the most impressive aspects of The Descent is the restraint and patience exhibited by writer-director Marshall as the story is set up. Sure, some stomach-churning gore is thrown in before the opening credits are over, yet this violence functions as a warning to viewers: don't get too comfortable. While the centrepiece of The Descent is the struggle between the creatures and the girls, the blind carnivores don't begin attacking until about an hour of the running time has elapsed. However, this isn't to say that a viewer is required to endure an hour of boredom before the carnage kicks in - during the lead-up, Marshall develops six strong, albeit not terribly deep female characters in interesting, well-written ways. Once they venture underground, Marshall keeps the suspense high with cave-ins and bone-crunching falls. Add to this a claustrophobic atmosphere, and the audience is on the edge of their seat by the time the creatures make their terrifying first appearance. Also, by the time the six women are being hunted, we've gotten to know them and we care about them. Once they begin falling victim to the crawlers, none of them go down easily. Nobody acts out of character, and there are no eye-rolling moments of ill-advised actions. It helps that all the actors are sincere and committed in their respective roles.


Since Neil Marshall had a relatively low budget to work with, the writer-director was forced to make the most of what he had, and he's especially efficient once the characters have descended into the incessant darkness of the caves and he can shroud the frame in blackness. These techniques heighten the tension as there's a lot of real estate for the creatures to inhabit. Even more effective are the different sources of illumination inside the caves: red flares, a video camera on night vision, glow-sticks, and torches. In the caves, these are the only sources of illumination, hence shots are imbued with a great deal of darkness. Meanwhile, the intensely claustrophobic cinematography generates an aura of suffocating tightness which places viewers right between the rocks, allowing one to viscerally feel Sarah's shortness of breath and terror as if it was one's own. Anyone with claustrophobia issues will chew their fingernails to the bone as they watch the women navigate their way through the impossibly snug cave passages; plunging further and further into pitch blackness. It truly feels as if you're inside a real cave, not a set in a studio. On top of this is David Julyan's exceptional, memorable score, which brilliantly alternates between tense and affecting.



What makes The Descent such a memorable horror film is a terrific attention to the components of fear and a focus on character as opposed to cheap scares. It's not perfect, of course (a subplot about Sarah's husband having an affair with Juno mars the pacing at times, and there are a few dumb clichés which should've been excised), but it's cut above Hollywood's usual genre output. Of course, gore-hounds won't be disappointed with the film, since it's filled with blood and viscera, but the name of Marshall's game is keeping the audience on the edge of their seats rather than grossing people out, and he achieves this end superbly. It's refreshing to know there are still filmmakers who remember that all the best horror movies are supposed to be thrilling and unsettling, rather than gory for the sake of gore.

8.6/10



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Gripping, badass action-thriller

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 25 April 2010 12:18 (A review of The Killing Machine)

"That's the funny thing about fate... if you don't follow, it will drag you where it wants to go."


Icarus is the sixth motion picture that action star Dolph Lundgren has directed since his departure from theatrical Hollywood productions in favour of direct-to-DVD features (although it's officially his fifth, as he wasn't credited for his directorial efforts on Diamond Dogs). Unlike other formerly distinguished action stars (like Steven Seagal), Lundgren's recent direct-to-DVD action movies are generally good; fun, '80s-style shoot-'em-ups full of action and violence (Command Performance and The Mechanik being the best examples). 2010's Icarus represents a rather different type of flick for Lundgren. While it's indeed a tight, fast-paced, gripping movie that delivers a great deal of nourishing action, it's more of a thriller (like a Jason Bourne movie) than an all-out, balls-to-the-wall actioner. Those who enjoy watching the Dolphster kicking some butt will probably enjoy the film the most, but those with a taste for thrillers should also find Icarus to be a satisfying ride and a worthy attempt by all involved.



The proverbial Dolph Lundgren protagonist in Icarus is a brooding hitman named Edward Genn. He lives a double life - he's a hired killer for the Russian mob who carries the codename of Icarus, but to his loved ones he's a divorced father working for an investment company. When a sudden mishap in Hong Kong blows Eddie's identity, he wishes to quit the life of a hitman, but soon realises he has become a target.


Excessively violent shootouts, a few explosions, and an impressive body count are the order of the day in Icarus. With more command over his movies, though, Lundgren had the freedom to inject some semblances of substance into the characters. Believe it or not, Eddie is not a one-dimensional killing machine - he has personality and motivations, and feels like an actual human. This instantly sets Lundgren's movie apart from the works of Steven Seagal, whose DTD flicks are lifeless products which are carelessly manufactured to fund Seagal's (over)eating habits. Granted, the characters certainly aren't as well-drawn as they could've been, and the action appears to be first priority, but Dolph's original cut of Icarus was apparently different to the released version. Reportedly, Dolph's version focused more on character development and atmosphere, whereas the studio's recut version allowed for shorter pauses between the action sequences. As it is, Icarus is effective, but it feels underdone. A director's cut would certainly be welcome.



With Lundgren's original vision sacrificed for the sake of a tighter film for easier consumption, Icarus arrives loaded with B-action movie goodness and assuredly delivers in the action department. The Dolphster's character cuts quite a swathe through the underworld, and the movie features a terrific half-hour stretch of nothing but straight action as Eddie finds himself set up and scrambles to save his family, all the while being pursued by a never-ending supply of armed goons. Put simply, the action is badass and pulse-pounding. Dolph once again proves himself to be a capable director, as he pulls off his most polished and stylised work to date, which is aided by James Jandrisch's atmospheric score. The choice of a heavy-metal rock song for the opening credits is questionable, but the stylised comic bookish title sequence it accompanies is very cool indeed. The most surprising thing about Icarus is how amazingly self-assured it looks. The budget was low, principal photography was apparently limited to about three weeks (due to filming being postponed and a delivery date having being locked in), and there was a short post-production window for Dolph to edit the film. He had to deal with the overbearing producers, too, who recut his work in the end. Yet, it possesses no earmarks of these problems.


The performances are fairly good across the board, most notably Dolph Lundgren who is in his 50s but is still in phenomenal physical shape. As a matter of fact, Dolph was capable of pulling off a lot of his own stunts, unlike Steven Seagal whose excessive weight necessitates body doubles for all of his fight scenes. While Lundgren's acting skills have never been remarkable, the star is able to sell his character very well, and at no point is his acting bad to the point of distraction (which is more than what can be said for a lot of this generation's action heroes). Dolph's performance in Icarus is among his most nuanced work to date.



Okay, so the big question looms: how can Icarus be considered a decent movie when it's heavily clichéd, predictable, and lacking from a screenplay and character perspective? The answer: because it's a gripping, stylish, badass action-thriller that's more self-assured and enjoyable than a lot of other films of this ilk. Of course, others are welcome to disagree, but, in this reviewer's humble opinion, Icarus is a worthy attempt by Lundgren at something new and it's easy to respect the route the actor-director elected. It's also a terrific ride. Hopefully, after displaying a great deal of proficiency in the direct-to-DVD realm, Lundgren will make a return to theatrical Hollywood moviemaking. Perhaps Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables will provide the necessary platform for the star to expand onto a bigger canvas. If he can pull off a movie like Icarus on a respectable budget in a short period of time, it'd be great to see what he could pull off with more resources and time at his disposal.

7.2/10



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A Titanic Movie to Remember

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 24 April 2010 08:46 (A review of A Night to Remember)

An adaptation of Walter Lord's acclaimed, exhaustively researched novel of the same name, 1958's A Night to Remember is, to date, the most focused and accurate cinematic portrayal of the sinking of the RMS Titanic. The film opens with the May 1911 launch of the "unsinkable" ocean liner, an event that occurred less than a year before she embarked on her maiden voyage across the Atlantic Ocean from Southhampton, England, to New York City in April 1912. Unfortunately, on the night of April 14th, 1912, the grand ocean liner struck an iceberg and began to flood uncontrollably. Despite the advanced technological engineering of the period, the ship's state-of-the-art watertight compartment system could not withstand the extensive damage or halt the flooding, resulting in the ship's sinking less than three hours after the collision. The ship's owners, the White Star Line, did not equip the Titanic with sufficient lifeboats to accommodate the 2,200 souls aboard the vessel, and the sinking claimed the lives of over 1,500 people who perished in the freezing waters of the North Atlantic.


A Night to Remember
predominantly follows Second Officer Charles Lightoller (Kenneth More), the most senior officer who survived the sinking and one of the key officers responsible for coordinating the evacuation. Lightoller joined the famed new liner for her maiden voyage, serving under Captain Edward Smith (Laurence Naismith) and First Officer William Murdoch (Richard Leech). Other key figures aboard the Titanic include her designer, Thomas Andrews (Michael Goodliffe), and the White Star Line's chairman and managing director, J. Bruce Ismay (Frank Lawton). After the luxurious vessel foundered, Lightoller took command of an overturned collapsible lifeboat in the water, keeping the boat buoyed through appropriate weight distribution as he and several men stood on the bottom of the craft until their rescue.


Although the screenplay by novelist and screenwriter Eric Ambler predominantly sticks to the facts of the disaster, and the film plays out like a docudrama, A Night to Remember was unmistakably designed as a starring vehicle for Kenneth More, painting Lightoller as an out-and-out hero. Consequently, the film creates the false impression that Lightoller launched most of the lifeboats, and the movie portrays Lightoller performing various actions that other officers carried out. One example is Lightoller discharging his revolver to maintain order on the boat deck - in reality, Fifth Officer Harold Lowe fired several warning shots from the lifeboat under his command in response to steerage passengers preparing to leap in from the promenade deck. Perhaps more pertinently, A Night to Remember avoids touching upon the complex conundrum of Lightoller interpreting the captain's order of "women and children first" as "women and children only," leading him to launch his lifeboats at less than half their capacity because he refused entry to all men on the boat deck. The only man Lightoller allowed to enter a lifeboat was a yachtsman named Arthur Peuchen (Robert Ayres), who offered assistance amid a shortage of qualified sailors to man the boats. Conversely, Murdoch allowed men to fill the boats when no further women were present, and as a result, two-thirds of the survivors owe their lives to Murdoch.


Lord's 1955 novel remains noteworthy because the author conducted extensive research to compile a compelling account of the Titanic's sinking. Lord spent years tracking down Titanic survivors, ultimately interviewing 63 individuals and using their testimonials to supplement his research materials from existing books, newspaper articles, and memoirs. Both the novel and the film eschew contentious topics about the sinking, most notably the ship splitting in half during the final plunge, an event that dozens of survivors reported but important witnesses like Lightoller contested. The split was not confirmed until the wreck's discovery in 1985. Similarly, some survivors reported witnessing an officer shoot two passengers before turning the pistol on himself, but this occurrence does not appear in the book or movie, as A Night to Remember only recounts facts that were definitively confirmed at the time. Titanic's fourth officer, Joseph Boxhall, even served as the film's technical advisor while other survivors also visited the set. Famously, Titanic survivor Lawrence Beesley gatecrashed the set and attempted to appear in the background as the ship was going down, but director Roy Ward Baker prevented this due to strict actor's union rules.

A Night to Remember accurately and compellingly portrays the behaviour of those onboard during the Titanic's sinking. In the early stages of the sinking, the film depicts the casualness and flippancy of many passengers, who preferred to stay on the warm ship instead of entering the lifeboats in the middle of the night. Additionally, the movie portrays the slow accumulation of panic as the reality of the sinking sets in, leading to noble deeds (men convincing their loved ones to enter the boats while knowing they will never see them again) and acts of desperation (passengers pushing and shoving to enter the lifeboats). Much of what occurs during the sinking is based on eyewitness accounts and true stories, from Macy's co-owners Ida and Isidor Straus refusing to be separated (and Isidor refusing the notion of receiving preferential treatment) to Thomas Andrews standing in the first-class smoking room before the final plunge, and Lightoller reluctantly allowing a 13-year-old boy to enter a lifeboat after mistakenly believing him to be an adult man. The film also depicts other, less glamorous acts, such as a crewman trying to steal a life jacket from the Marconi operators before the final plunge, who swiftly responded by knocking him unconscious. One of the most harrowing images is that of a gentle elderly man cradling a crying young boy as the ship begins its final plunge, with the man trying to assure the boy that everything will be alright, but both of them will soon perish in the freezing water.


Unlike some other cinematic depictions of the disaster, A Night to Remember balances the many stories of the Titanic's sinking with the drama of the two other ships in the North Atlantic that became intertwined with the disaster. The first ship, the RMS Carpathia, received Titanic's distress calls, and the captain, Arthur Rostron (Anthony Bushell), immediately ordered his crew to steam at full speed to the site of the sinking, but arrived too late and could only save the survivors. Meanwhile, the SS Californian had stopped its engines for the night and was in the eyesight of the Titanic as she sank. The Californian's officers saw the Titanic's distress rockets and noticed her listing as she slowly disappeared into the water, yet the crew misinterpreted these events and did not wake their wireless operator to find out what was happening. The Titanic's crew desperately tried to get the Californian's attention but to no avail. The presence of these subplots deepens the sense of desperation and makes the retelling feel more complete.


There were cinematic retellings of the Titanic disaster before 1958 (including a 1943 Nazi propaganda film and 1953's Titanic), but A Night to Remember was the first Titanic film to feature accurate recreations of key parts of the ocean liner. The production crew consulted photographs and original designs to faithfully recreate spaces like the bridge, the forward Grand Staircase, the first-class smoking room, the dining areas, and more. The crew also constructed large portions of the Titanic's exterior areas, including parts of the boat deck and the stern, while the iceberg design closely resembles a famous photograph of an iceberg that many assume was responsible for sinking the ship. The special effects are mostly impressive for the era and the budget, with convincing compositing to place the actors in front of the model ship, but the overall illusion is imperfect. Compared to the sheer grandeur of James Cameron's 1997 blockbuster Titanic, the model shots are obvious, especially since no moving people are visible on the decks. (The film even reuses a few model shots from the 1943 German picture.) The special effects also look less impressive than 1953's Titanic, though that production had more generous Hollywood backing.


A Night to Remember does not depict the flooding or destruction of luxurious internal spaces like the forward Grand Staircase or the first-class areas, but the sets did tilt, and the movie retains the eerie creaking sounds recorded on-set during production. Since no footage exists of Titanic's 1911 launch, the film uses archival material from the 1938 launch of the Cunard Liner Queen Elizabeth to show the Titanic entering the water for the first time in Belfast. Unfortunately, it is evident that the ship during this sequence is not the Titanic, and the ship's christening with a champagne bottle never occurred. However, the footage effectively conveys the atmosphere and grandeur of such a launch from the period.

Selecting actors to fill the vast ensemble cast posed a unique challenge. After all, the performers needed to demonstrate the ability to play their chosen roles convincingly while bearing at least a passable resemblance to the true-life historical figures. The most notable performer in the cast is the engaging Kenneth More, who receives the most screen time as Second Officer Lightoller. Also of note is Michael Goodliffe, who portrays Thomas Andrews as bright and gentle-natured, though the actor espouses a British accent when the real-life Andrews was Irish. Meanwhile, Laurence Naismith is a believable and commanding Captain Smith. Smith's daughter was even emotionally overcome when she met the performer due to his startling resemblance to her father. The affable David McCallum is another standout as assistant wireless operator Harold Bride, and Tucker McGuire gives spunk and personality to well-known Titanic survivor Margaret "Molly" Brown. Many other actors make a positive impression (even if the acting is slightly stodgy, which is standard for the period), but with over 200 speaking roles, it would be tricky to list them all.


It is tempting to compare A Night to Remember to James Cameron's Titanic, but this is not an apt comparison. Titanic is a grand melodrama depicting two fictional characters in a Romeo & Juliet-style romance set against the backdrop of one of the worst maritime disasters in peacetime history. A Night to Remember, on the other hand, uses historical characters to tell an accurate story, relying on eyewitness accounts and testimonials from Titanic survivors to create almost every sequence and line of dialogue. The two pictures are superb companion pieces that, when put together, represent the best cinematic dramatisation of the disaster to date. Of course, A Night to Remember is excellent enough to stand on its own, and many will argue it is superior to Cameron's epic, but it works on a different level than its big-budgeted cousin, offering docudrama-esque factual detail instead of spectacle. The story of the Titanic and her sinking is big enough to be covered from multiple vantage points, and Titanic and A Night to Remember offer the two most compelling perspectives.


9.1/10



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Rip-snorting action fable with heart and humour

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 20 April 2010 04:10 (A review of How to Train Your Dragon (2010))

"You see, most places have mice or mosquitoes. We have...dragons."


With Pixar's unparalleled run of computer-animated critical and commercial hits during the latter half of the 1990s, other studios began scrambling to mimic - or at least get a share of - this success. When Shrek was released in 2001, it appeared that DreamWorks was a strong competitor for Pixar's crown in this realm, but alas, in following years, DreamWorks started being treated like a second-class citizen, and not without reason - while Pixar continued to produce animated movies which transcended the limitations of the form, DreamWorks began churning out a stream of profitable but painfully formulaic and generally lazy animated efforts like Bee Movie, Shark Tale and the Madagascar flicks. But their latest, How to Train Your Dragon, is a dramatic gear shift for the studio. This is the sort of excellent family flick that DreamWorks led us to expect would be the norm when Shrek made its debut. Technically proficient and witty, this is a rip-snorting 3-D action fable which seamlessly blends humour and heart. There are no fart jokes, pop culture references or annoying R&B songs in How to Train Your Dragon, which surely represents an artistic growth for DreamWorks. There's no mistaking this for Up or WALL-E, but it's a good-natured charmer.



Based on the first book in a popular series by Cressida Cowell, How to Train Your Dragon takes place in a fictional medieval-era village. The resident Vikings of this village are in a constant state of battle with the marauding dragons that steal their livestock. Since the entire existence of the Vikings revolves about battling dragons, the biggest, burliest men are the most prized members of the community, which puts the hero of the film - an awkward teen named Hiccup (Baruchel) - in a bit of a bind. He desperately wishes to join the grand ranks of the dragon killers, but he's small, skinny, and blessed with more brains than biceps. Regardless, during a battle he uses an invention of his to take down a Night Fury dragon, but finds himself unable to finish the job. Instead, he becomes secret friends with the dragon, whom he dubs "Toothless". As this friendship blossoms, the observant Hiccup learns that the Vikings have hopelessly misjudged the dragon species.


Written and directed by the duo of Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders (Disney veterans whose prior collaboration was the hand-drawn Lilo & Stitch in 2003, which explains why Toothless looks a lot like Stitch), How to Train Your Dragon skilfully merges the animated medium's propensity for action, sentiment and humour. Thankfully, the humour is deployed with an elegant touch - the writer-directors never allow the story to devolve into a simple-minded parody, while at the same time they recognised the inherent comedy of the predicaments presented in the film.
The core of the picture spotlights the relationship between Toothless and Hiccup, and how they develop a lasting bond which teaches them the value of tolerance and curiosity. This relationship provides the film with its sweetness and heart. By the conclusion of the second act, the movie even treads into E.T. territory. In fact, some have praised this film as being the E.T. of this generation. While How to Train Your Dragon does not deserve such dizzyingly high praise, it's at least easy to understand the comparison.



The message of How to Train Your Dragon is simple: war and violence are usually the result of misunderstandings. Such a message is all-too-appropriate for 2010's world climate. Thankfully, the message is not hammered into the narrative, but instead flows effortlessly out of it. That said, the whole narrative is a familiar one. With Hiccup beginning as an unlikely, hopeless hero with big aspirations, the conclusion of the formulaic "zero to hero" storyline is foregone from the start. The third act story beats in particular are awfully predictable. Additionally, while How to Train Your Dragon is the cleverest and most mature DreamWorks animated movie since Shrek, it still feels like a commercial product created with more concern for the tightest running time possible. As a result, character motivations shift at the convenience of moving the plot forward, and there are contrivances which make the writing seem lazy (Toothless "sensing" that Hiccup is in trouble at one point is a prime offender).


With each passing year, the CGI in animated movies continues to approach photorealism, and the most beneficial step upwards in this respect is the improved ability to animate emotional expression. Due to the technological advances, characters can be more nuanced in expressing love and fear (among other emotions), even if said character is a dragon. How to Train Your Dragon is frankly a phenomenal visual experience, and it's blessed with several crackerjack set-pieces. The opening battle is wonderfully energetic, while the flight sequences are absolutely exhilarating. Meanwhile, the final battle sequence is a knockout - a cinematic tour de force which would be impressive in any movie, live action or animated. Since the movie takes its time to develop the characters, tension is felt whenever they're placed in peril. As a result, the climax can proudly stand alongside any CGI-heavy blockbuster, even Avatar! While discussing the visuals, it'd be best to also mention the 3-D. Unobtrusive 3-D is the most immersive 3-D, and this is the case here. It provides the screen with depth, and heightens the immersive nature of the experience.



The vocal cast features a delightful blend of actors who would probably have been cast in the same roles if this were a live-action feature. Jay Baruchel is always playing a nerd/loser (She's Out of My League, which was released about a week before How to Train Your Dragon, is a good example of this), and he's good at it. Happily, Baruchel's vocal performance as Hiccup is excellent, and he affords the character a charm which makes him easy to like. Alongside Baruchel, Gerard Butler is excellently authoritative as the village chief, while Craig Ferguson is easily likeable as a Viking who's missing a few limbs but none of his pride. The dragon-slayers-in-training are voiced by such actors as America Ferrera, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Kristen Wiig, some of whom are Judd Apatow regulars. Even T.J. Miller lends his voice to a character, and he co-starred alongside Baruchel in She's Out of My League!


It must be noted that How to Train Your Dragon works on a different level to most other animated movies due to how exhilarating and adventure-filled the entire enterprise is. The movie falls short of achieving trademark Pixar greatness, yet it achieves a sustained note of integrity, charm and exhilaration that's rare in the family film genre. Without the proverbial DreamWorks slapstick (for the most part), the film is a triumph that encourages genuine awe and plenty of smiles while delivering high-flying splendour. Also, it sends a positive message to its target audience about the perils of fear and prejudice, which is more than what can be said for the usual DreamWorks output full of fart jokes and musical numbers. Most importantly, How to Train Your Dragon is one of those family films which adults can enjoy both with and without children.

8.4/10



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An easy charmer of a rom-com

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 17 April 2010 01:03 (A review of She's Out of My League)

"I don't get it. Why would she ask me out?"


Let's be honest, how often are standard-order romantic comedies anything but appalling? A useful method for evaluating the effectiveness of rom-coms is to ask yourself a few questions: are the protagonists likeable, does the central coupling share convincing chemistry, are you rooting for the leads to get together, and are there quality laughs to be had? If the answer is "yes" across the board, the flick is a success. But alas, the countless rom-coms flooding the cinematic climate these days are too often unable to fulfil even these basic requirements, which is why She's Out of My League is so refreshing - it's not perfect, but one can answer "yes" to all the aforementioned questions, and it achieves precisely what it set out to do. Sure, this may sound like faint praise, but so few rom-coms are able to accomplish even this moderate level of competency that, believe me, this should be considered an endorsement.



The male lead of She's Out of My League, Kirk (Baruchel), is merely an average, geeky guy who works security at a Pittsburgh airport with his best buddies, Stainer (Miller), Jack (Vogel) and Devon (Torrence). During an average day at work, an attractive woman named Molly (Eve) enters Kirk's life. After encountering her while on duty, Kirk inadvertently charms the gorgeous, successful young event planner, and a follow-up meet when Kirk returns Molly's lost iPhone kicks off an unexpected relationship. Problem is, both Stainer and Molly's best friend (Ritter) dismiss the relationship on account of the math, since Kirk is a "5" on the scale of attractiveness while Molly is a "hard 10".


Unfortunately, the entire narrative for She's Out of My League is generic tripe, and seems manufactured for the sake of the demographic of schlubs who'd love to find themselves in Kirk's tantalising situation. In essence, the plot is merely a flimsy excuse to showcase ill-mannered yet amusing best friends, and opportunities for comedy. Once the script by Sean Anders and John Morris (Sex Drive) establishes the routine journey for Kirk, there aren't a lot of surprises to be had, so the film's success was entirely dependent upon the characters and the laughs. Thankfully, the film is frequently hilarious, the characters are fun to be in the company of, and there's plenty of heart. In fact, once the end credits begin to roll, you could be forgiven for wanting to spend more time with these characters. While the film isn't as funny as it could've been, the best set-pieces are absolutely hysterical and there are enough laugh lines to ensure the film is worth seeing. That said, comedy is pretty subjective, so it's bold to proclaim the quality of humour in a motion picture. Therefore, it's better to simply say that if you enjoyed American Pie or Knocked Up or any other films of that ilk, the humour here should satisfy you.



One thing She's Out of My League pulls off surprisingly well is depicting Kirk and Molly's relationship in a credible, convincing fashion. In the past, romanticised Woody Allen movies have provided the typical wish fulfilment scenario of the loser getting a tremendously gorgeous girl for no apparent reason, but the filmmakers behind She's Out of My League attempt to understand the reasoning. The movie works because Molly - amazingly beautiful as she may be - does not come across as a snobby Megan Fox-style female lead. Instead, she's the type of girl who quietly admires a guy for selflessly chasing down a woman who forgot her jacket. It's easy to see why Molly might become interested in the sweet and funny Kirk, especially after it's revealed that she has been hurt in prior relationships with guys at her hotness level. The film also posits problems that arise between the two (as a result of their disparate self-images) which seem perfectly natural and believable. The only major area where the film fails is in the final act which involves a break-up-to-make-up scenario that kills the pacing and culminates at an airport, for crying out loud. In fairness, though, filmmakers can only fend off formula for so long before the producers begin to notice. It's best to appreciate what this film does right, rather than dwelling on its weaker patches.


Over recent years, Jay Baruchel has been relegated to supporting roles in such movies as Fanboys, Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder. She's Out of My League is an evident attempt to launch Baruchel's career as a leading man. He's typically saddled with the character of a nerd/loser, but he's good at it, and he blossoms in this particular role. The charismatic Baruchel does a fine job of expressing Kirk's twitchy awkwardness, and shares tremendous chemistry with Alice Eve, who is sprightly, attractive, and distinctly not bitchy (a breakthrough for the typical attractive female rom-com lead). These wonderful protagonists are luckily surrounded by an effective supporting cast who provide a number of amusing, scene-stealing diversions. T.J. Miller is the standout as Stainer, while Mike Vogel also provides a few hearty giggles (many may recognise these two from 2007's Cloverfield). Meanwhile, Nate Torrence is frequently hysterical as the token "fat friend". And, unlike the agonisingly unfunny Jonah Hill, Torrence is a fat friend who isn't annoying - he's actually funny. Rounding out the cast is Krysten Ritter as Molly's best friend, and she's perfect in the role.



An easy charmer from the school of Judd Apatow, She's Out of My League is generously funny and sporadically heartfelt. Without reinventing the wheel, it manages to provide amiable entertainment for its 100-minute duration. For sure, the film is not as funny as it had the potential to be, but it works as a breezy, fun, unforced story of two mismatched lovers, and the clichéd narrative is at least enjoyable. In the realm of rom-coms, these are the qualities that count the most, so give this film a shot if you're sick and tired of Hollywood's usual output.

7.3/10



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Forgive me, but... this movie KICKS ASS!

Posted : 14 years, 10 months ago on 16 April 2010 09:08 (A review of Kick-Ass)

"With no power comes no responsibility..."

Adapted from the comic book of the same name written by Mark Millar, and under the direction of British filmmaker Matthew Vaughn, Kick-Ass quite simply kicks ass. While this particular analogy may seem lazy and obvious, it's appropriate. Relentlessly audacious, hilarious, gloriously violent, gleefully un-PC and electrifyingly entertaining, Kick-Ass is a refreshing, decidedly adult take on the stale comic-book superhero genre that works on practically every level, and is destined for cult classic status. Owing to its modest budget, this is a superhero movie with violence, profanity-laced dialogue and bawdy humour, flying in the face of a genre for which content is normally kept within the boundaries of a commercial-friendly PG-13 rating. In the face of the continually-expanding Marvel and DC cinematic universes, Kick-Ass only grows more relevant with each passing year.



As with most stories of this ilk, the movie concerns an average teenager: Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson). However, Kick-Ass doesn't take place within either the Marvel or the DC comics universe. Instead, it takes place in our universe, where Spider-Man and Batman are seen in comic books and motion pictures, and there are no people with superpowers. Fed up with being bullied at school and mugged on the street, Dave decides to become a real-life superhero, despite possessing no special abilities or strengths. To achieve his goal, Dave buys scuba suit and uses it as the costume for his crime-fighting alter ego, Kick-Ass. Soon, a bystander records Kick-Ass attempting to fight off some thugs and posts the clip on YouTube, which rapidly becomes an internet sensation. His raised profile brings him to the attention of two legitimate crime-fighting heroes: the father-daughter team of Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz), who are currently waging war against crime boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong).

On the one hand, Kick-Ass is a satire of superhero movies like Spider-Man and Iron Man, with the filmmakers gleefully taking the piss out of the established clichés of the genre and subverting the traditional story beats with a painful dose of reality. For instance, Dave's hilariously botched first outing as a superhero ends with him in the hospital bleeding and naked, leading to rumours among his classmates that he's gay, which ironically leads to him becoming closer to the girl of his dreams. However, while the film is essentially a comedy, it still works as a straight action-adventure since the bad guys are sinister and the violence is hard-hitting. Kick-Ass benefits from a sublime script penned by Vaughn and frequent collaborator Jane Goldman. The dialogue crackles with intelligence and wit - whenever Dave hangs out with his two best friends, the one-liners come thick and fast. Dave's interactions with Big Daddy and Hit Girl, meanwhile, are hilarious. The first half is admittedly not as well-paced as the rollicking second half, but it plays better with repeat viewings.


Kick-Ass may be Vaughn's third directorial endeavour, but he steers this material like a veteran, handling wild tonal shifts with impressive control and marshalling a string of incredible action set-pieces as if he was the bastard son of John Woo and Tony Scott. The final act certainly stands as the film's most action-heavy portion, and offers a terrific pay-off for audiences waiting to see the heroes be unleashed. The standout is a strobe-light shootout which nails the video-game aesthetic more perfectly than any other movie to date. It's possibly 2010's best action scene, as it's both emotionally powerful and viscerally exciting. In addition, Kick-Ass is aided immensely by the comics-inspired production design and the slick cinematography that suggests a much higher budget. Yet another great aspect of the film is the use of music. It's clear from the brilliant use of music in Vaughn's prior movies that the director knows how to select tracks for his films. He's a very careful filmmaker, as evidenced by the fact that Kick-Ass has four credited composers in addition to featuring a slew of music from other artists. Ennio Morricone's theme from For a Few Dollars More is even given a workout, while the 28 Days Later theme plays during another gooseflesh-inducing action set-piece. Hit Girl also slaughters a bunch of guys to the theme of the Banana Splits, and Kick-Ass massacres goons with gatling guns to the tune of Hallelujah. It's great stuff.

British television actor Aaron Johnson is ideal as Dave Lizewski - he possesses a likeable quality which serves the character well. However it's the young Moretz who steals the show here. Moretz is already an established actress, but this will no doubt serve as her breakout role. Her performance as Hit Girl is absolutely dead-on - she's cute, hilarious, and awesome. Like all the best screen action heroes, she is able to make the act of firing and reloading guns look effortlessly cool and graceful, and in turn the film's climactic shootout is one of the most exciting and exhilarating instances of over-the-top cinematic gunplay since Shoot 'Em Up. The biggest surprise here is Nic Cage, who's a thorough delight. This is Cage's best screen outing for years as the nerdy, obsessive father to Hit Girl, lovingly aping Adam West in a mock-Batman outfit. Christopher Mintz-Plasse also acquits himself well with the role of Chris/Red Mist, demonstrating spot-on comic timing and an amusing deadpan delivery. Another notable performer is Strong, playing his second consecutive bad guy after Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. As usual, Strong is a solid villain.


Hollywood studios refused to fund Kick-Ass, compelling Vaughn to go outside the system and make the film himself through his production company Marv Films. Fortunately for Vaughn (and us), he had enough wealthy pals on his side (Brad Pitt is credited as a producer) to gain sufficient funding and bring Kick-Ass to cinema screens. With an indie approach, Vaughn had the freedom to craft an irreverent, boldly R-rated comic-book flick not burdened by the requirement to pander to toy manufacturers or fast food chains. A little 11-year-old girl in a superhero costume may seem cute, but a little 11-year-old girl in a superhero costume who brutally kills people and drops c-bombs? Not so much. All too predictably, controversy has been stirred up over the character of Hit Girl, whose violent and profanity-laced antics have interpreted by some as advocating violence to young viewers. This is, of course, utter nonsense. The film carries an R rating in America and a restricted rating in other major countries, why would young tweens be seeing this movie in the first place? Plus, those who loathe the film because of the content with Hit Girl are missing the point completely. Kick-Ass is just a fun, humorous, cartoonish ride not meant to be taken seriously, so stop being so uptight!

These days, comic book adaptations are no longer fun, with The Dark Knight and its imitators favouring a dour, gritty approach. Kick-Ass returns the fun element to the genre, demonstrating that thematic complexity is possible without making the experience a drag. With director Vaughn delivering one rollicking, raucous set-piece after another, Kick-Ass expertly blends side-splitting tongue-in-cheek humour with bone-shattering action, resulting in an endlessly entertaining and breathtaking slice of entertainment. It's to superhero movies what Shaun of the Dead is to zombie movies.

10/10



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Not as well-paced, effective or terrifying...

Posted : 14 years, 11 months ago on 14 April 2010 08:32 (A review of [Rec] 2)

"You know how it works; record every single thing..."


Almost inarguably, 2007s [Rec] was the most accomplished, downright terrifying horror outing of the noughties; a nerve-shredding, riveting journey into the heart of demonic darkness elevated by convincing performances and top-notch scares. Hollywood even churned out a remake a year later in the form of 2008's Quarantine. Owing to the strong reception of [Rec] and the nature of its climax, a sequel was virtually guaranteed. Problem is, how does one create a quality sequel to the greatest horror film of its decade? [Rec] 2 could have been a fundamental remake of the original film with the same basic scenario transplanted into another location. Instead, writer-directors Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza perceived [Rec] 2 as a chance to significantly expand upon the mythology of their original creation in unique and shocking ways, and allow the narrative to progress ahead to the next logical step. Granted, the film is not as well-paced, effective or terrifying as its predecessor, but it's far better than most Hollywood horror tosh of late.



[Rec] 2 opens during the immediate aftermath of the events of the first movie. A few SWAT team members and a doctor from the Ministry of Health are heading inside the apartment building to investigate what happened within it. And sure enough, the truth behind the infection is soon revealed. The deceptively simple original movie hinted at reasons for the outbreak, but [Rec] 2 expands and elaborates on them. To be sure, the reasons provided aren't going to work for everyone, but in this reviewer's eyes it's an interesting twist on your usual zombie fare. Sure, some will probably yearn for the primal simplicity of the film's predecessor, but this type of sequel is more desirable than a fundamental remake of the first film without anything new (the Final Destination sequels, anyone?).


Similar to its forerunner, the proceedings of [Rec] 2 are captured from the first-person perspective of a man holding a video camera. Much like the plot, the filmmakers decided to add a few new twists to their filming style as well. In particular, the SWAT members are equipped with cameras on the helmets to help document the events inside the building, and the main camera can plug into the perspective of the SWAT members at any given time. With the dark nature of the apartment's interior, events are at times obscured, and this makes for a tense, nail-biting experience. The fact that the attacks take place in small, cramped, dark spaces, and that we're watching from the point of view of the characters, means that a viewer can experience claustrophobia alongside the characters. As this is a "found footage" film, there is no score - sound effects act as a substitute for the music, and thankfully the sound design is top-notch; generating an effective atmosphere. Put simply, the illusion that these events have been captured via a simple home video camera, and that the tapes have not been tampered with, is virtually unbroken. While it can be argued that these achievements are less impressive due to the first [Rec] having pulled them off already, how often is it when the spirit and techniques of an original movie are successfully emulated for the follow-up?



However, the "found footage" gimmick is harmed by an inordinate amount of contrivances. There are no less than two shifts in the main camera, and each is too unbelievably convenient. Especially contrived is the second camera shift - the battery for one camera runs out just as the main characters come into possession of another camera... Another major weakness of [Rec] 2 is that, thanks to the jumps in the main camera, there are no memorable characters, or even a main protagonist to connect or empathise with. Considering that a SWAT team was sent into the building, why couldn't there be one interesting, badass hero to root for? As it is, all the SWAT guys are one-dimensional men of action who shout a lot, shoot things, and macho posture but do little else. I don't even remember their names, and their largely interchangeable nature limits the effectiveness of the terror. If one is unable to connect with people, not a great deal of urgency is felt on their behalf. As it stands, [Rec] 2 is a fun, occasionally thrilling adrenaline rush, but more attention to developing interesting characters could have offered some genuine emotion, and bolstered the quality of the movie. It also goes without saying that the characters do stupid things. The SWAT guys are so hesitant to use their firearms in the direst of situations, for instance.


In spite of the strengths of [Rec] 2 - the uniformly convincing acting, the great prosthetic effects, a number of thrilling moments, and a great expansion on the mythology of the series - it's still disappointing. It never manages to reach the dizzying heights of the original [Rec], and even this sequel's strongest moments are no patch on the first film's greatest moments. It's such a shame the effort just wasn't as solid this time around.

6.2/10



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In Short: Insufferable...

Posted : 14 years, 11 months ago on 13 April 2010 02:51 (A review of Shorts)

"That's it! Say hello to my little friend!"


Beginning with Spy Kids in 2001, Robert Rodriguez has carved out a profitable second career creating children's movies to complement the bloody, violent, adult-themed action flicks he's notorious for making (Desperado, Sin City, From Dusk Till Dawn, etc). And look, it's perfectly understandable that Rodriguez wishes to give his R-rated instincts a rest on occasion to focus on family entertainment for the sake of his offspring (and perhaps his own inner child). Spy Kids suggested this new direction was a good idea, but then Spy Kids 2 destroyed this potential, Spy Kids 3-D defecated on the corpse, and The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl made life harder to live. 2009's Shorts denotes Rodriguez's latest round of juvenile antics, and it further dents a once-promising filmmaking career. In short (excuse the pun), this is a comedy with no laughs, an action flick that's never exciting, and a digital spectacle with dodgy special effects.



Utilising the same type of structure that served Rodriguez well on Sin City, the narrative of Shorts is told through a number of bite-sized vignettes and concerns a few kids in a small Texan suburb who come into possession of a colourful wish-granting space rock. Like every film of this ilk, the main character - Toby "Toe" Thompson (Bennett) - is a young, dorky nerd. His parents largely ignore him, and practically every soul in town picks on him; from the bullies to the school teachers to his own sister (Dennings). Sound familiar yet? A bitchy little girl in the form of Helvetica Black (Vanier) is also introduced, who picks on the protagonist but who is destined to abandon her bitchy ways by the film's end. Basically, the crux of the story involves those in the neighbourhood attempting to steal the wish-granting space rock to use for their own means. First thing our hero Toby does is wish for friends, and he receives some arse-kicking alien pals. Indeed, Shorts is the kind of candy-coated wish-fulfilment fantasy that every dorky kid wishes could happen to him/her.


Assuming his proverbial stance as an all-in-one filmmaking machine, Rodriguez (the director, writer, cinematographer, editor, scorer, etc) more or less whips up a live-action Saturday morning cartoon with Shorts. The film doesn't even pretend to be a quality family film - it's just a grade-schooler's idea book brought to life to please Rodriguez's children. Due to the jumbled up nature of the narrative structure, it's not long before the storyline may even lose an adult. Maybe it's so simple a four-year-old child could understand it, but, as Groucho would say, "Run out and find me a four year old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it". Did Rodriguez figure that jumbling up the narrative sequence would be funny or unique? Because it isn't - it's just plain annoying. As the short stories progress and the climax draws nearer, it becomes apparent the film is only leading to a rote lesson about family togetherness and the drawbacks of technology.



Disappointingly, the rules of the wishing rock seem half-thought-out and inconsistent - sometimes characters use one wish to retract whatever they've inadvertently unleashed, but at other times they run for their lives while holding the rock! At one point in the climax, a menace is attacking the town. The kids take turns with the wishing rock in order to transform themselves into something to defeat the villain. Why?! The menace was created with one wish, so why not just undo it with another wish? There's no logic to anything that happens. Added to this, the film never provokes any awe, and the premise opens up room for far more imagination than what is delivered here. By the end, when everyone's learned a lesson and the universe has re-righted itself, one will just be wishing for Rodriguez to climb out of the sandbox and get started on those Sin City sequels pronto!


Aimed at youngsters with short attention spans, Shorts constantly barrels ahead, dispersing cringe-worthy moments of "humour" and allowing irritating, camera-mugging actors to take centre stage (Jimmy Bennett in particular is insufferable). Jolie Vanier is the only performer in the movie whose acting is worth a fig. In fact, the talented young Vanier is the only good thing about this movie (it's a shame she wasn't the central character). Look, there's almost no doubt that young kids will be rapt during Shorts, but any parent who's forced into watching the movie with their kid will constantly wish for it to be over. All the best kids' movies are those which can be enjoyed by adults, and alas Shorts offers nothing for adults to latch onto.

1.7/10



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It's just...fucking awful!

Posted : 14 years, 11 months ago on 10 April 2010 08:04 (A review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon)

"Every second that I'm with you is about restraint... and you're too fragile."


Viewing The Twilight Saga: New Moon is about as fun as listening to an angsty teen drone on about their problems for 130 minutes. Much like angsty teens, New Moon is humourless and dead serious, and there's so much angst piling up throughout the film that one will require a fucking helicopter to stay above it all.


Unfortunately, the Twilight movies - while absolutely awful - constitute the most critic-proof film series of recent years. See, the obsessed fans had already made up their mind about New Moon before a single frame had been lensed. They were going to see it, and they were going to love it (even if there are veritable reports that experiencing it may cause your eyes and ears to bleed). It's faithful to their beloved book (to a fault), filled with teen angst, and it features a lot of boys running around with their shirts off. Problem is, all this fan service comes at the expense of telling a good story that a general audience can enjoy. The non-biased non-fans will be able to see New Moon for what it really is: a cheesy, poorly-focused picture with terrible dialogue and awkward performances. The Twilight fans will overlook the flaws due to the thrill of seeing their favourite characters on screen again, but the world is not entirely comprised of Twilight fans.



A lengthy plot summary would be a waste of time, so here's the briefest version possible: Bella Swan (Stewart) is still inexplicably in love with the 109-year-old vampire Edward Cullen (Pattinson). Following an incident at Bella's private birthday party, the Cullens opt to leave town because Edward believes he's putting Bella in peril. Lost and depressed without her lover, Bella begins engaging in destructive hobbies in the hope that Edward will return and protect her. Eventually, Bella is catapulted into the arms of Jacob Black (Lautner), who is in fact a werewolf. Thus, the Van Helsing love triangle is complete, and Bella's suicide plans don't work out. Damn...


A clan of vampires called the Volturi is eventually introduced, but this entire subplot feels like an afterthought. It's as if the writers realised there was nothing happening, and decided they better throw in something exciting. But alas, it's too little, too late. Plus, the Volturi introduction feels redundant because it was an unnecessarily elaborate way for Edward to commit suicide. To travel to Italy for that purpose is a bit of a reach... Why not anger Jacob and his crowd of werewolves by saying something about their penis size?



It's obvious from the outset that the filmmakers were unwilling to exclude things that would allow for a tighter film in fear of aggravating the Twilight fans who want every moment from the book to be included. No-one involved in producing New Moon was able to recognise that all the best page-to-screen adaptations are those that deviate from the source material in exciting ways. Literature and cinema are two different media forms, and a rote movie adaptation is rarely satisfying to anyone not slavishly devoted to the source material. Thus, the film's straightforward narrative of nothingness plays out over a running time of 130 minutes when there's NO FUCKING REASON for it to run for so goddamn long, apart from fan service. I mean, it's not like the movie is so long because it has to wrap up the whole series - there are two more fucking movies to go!


On top of all this, the material is very cheesy, with utterly appalling dialogue. This could've been more tolerable if only there was a smattering of self-aware humour, but no such miracle exists. New Moon borders dangerously close to self-parody several times, but it would seem the filmmakers were blissfully unaware of the unintentional hilarity. The highlight is a dream sequence of Bella and Edward frolicking in a field. Though this is supposed to be giddy and romantic, it's fucking hilarious.



Several times during the movie, Bella begs Edward to transform her into a vampire. Of course, this whole "becoming a vampire" thing is an in-your-face metaphor for "Bella losing her virginity". While Edward's sister is willing to "do it" for Bella, Bella refuses because she wants Edward to "do it", but Edward keeps abstaining from sucking her blood. If you don't buy the virginity metaphor thing, consider this: Meyer belongs to the religiously conservative Mormon group. The Twilight novels are huge with 14-year-old girls, and the biggest concern for 14-year-old girls is when and with whom they will lose their virginity. Meanwhile, the rest of us know that losing your virginity is one of the most underwhelming five minutes of your life. We're also fully aware that guys as dreamy and cheesy as Edward do not exist. All those hideous, overweight Twilight fans should stop being so fucking optimistic and picky, and take any man they can get!


For New Moon, the producers ousted Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke, and replaced her with Chris Weitz, who was last seen at the helm of stillborn blockbuster The Golden Compass. While Weitz is a lot more competent as an action director, the only watchable set-pieces come far too late into the movie. And this is the problem - even with a decent director at the helm, the Twilight films will always be hampered by Meyer's bullshit prose. There's only so much anyone can do with this tripe. Worse, despite a much larger budget than the original movie, the digital effects are rarely better than passable. In particular, the werewolves look hokey and cartoonish. With such cheap-looking CGI, one has to wonder what the rumoured $90 million was used for (gym memberships for the cast?). Also heartbreaking is the music - the score by Alexandre Desplat is underwhelming, and the pop songs are forgettable. The original film was much more memorable in this department. Oh Jesus Christ, the awfulness of New Moon has caused me to reference Twilight as a positive example?!



Taylor Lautner did a lot of work to buff himself up for the role of Jacob Black, and takes advantage of every possible opportunity to show it...even when it's not even slightly relevant to the story. In fact, Lautner spends three quarters of the film sans shirt as if he's posing for the DVD cover of a gay porno. That said, credit where credit is due, Lautner acquits himself reasonably well with the role, especially in contrast to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson whose performances lack passion and conviction. The very little amount of chemistry that existed between Stewart and Pattinson in the original movie has evaporated. Here, Stewart connects with Lautner to some extent, but her love scenes with Pattinson are boring and, frankly, creepy. Not to mention, Edward enjoys breaking into Bella's room and rummaging through her personal effects when she's not around. What a dreamboat. When you begin wondering just what Bella sees in Edward, there are huge problems. Additionally, it's a problem that Stewart is more annoying than endearing. Whenever she delivers her lines, she doesn't sound committed - rather, she sounds like she's just trying to regurgitate the corny dialogue without bursting into laughter.


Also featuring in the cast is Dakota Fanning, who accomplishes absolutely nothing as a Volturi enforcer. Why Dakota is even here is the film's biggest mystery. Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen was delightful eye candy in Twilight, but in New Moon her role is relegated to something much smaller, leaving very little in the way of worthwhile eye candy.


And now, it's time to quote one of my favourite online reviewers, Jeremy Jahns: "[New Moon is] porn for women. It absolutely is if you think about it. It's corny, it has laughable dialogue, and for reasons unknown to [men], it unquestionably turns on its target audience. Porn for women." Perhaps if I was a virginal 14-year-old female, I would've liked the series. But...I have a penis. And we males who get forced into watching this tosh will be unable to comprehend the appeal.

1.9/10



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