Reviews by PvtCaboose91

"History prefers legends to men. It prefers nobility to brutality, soaring speeches to quiet deeds. History remembers the battle, but forgets the blood. However history remembers me before I was a President, it shall only remember a fraction of the truth..."

Nobody should prepare to view 2012's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter under the delusion that a profound history lesson is in store for them. After all, merely reading the title is enough to spark ridicule and disbelief that people actually funded this thing. As it turns out, however, this is not the goofy, B-grade action fiesta that one would expect; writer Seth Grahame-Smith (adapting his own novel) and director Timur Bekmambetov have in fact created a predominantly straight-faced feature, aspiring to create an epic tale of revisionism as opposed to a more disposable straight-to-video offering. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter definitely has its strengths, but it's brought down by slipshod storytelling and the pedestrian nature of most of the action scenes, rendering the film an experimental curio which falls short of its potential.

As a child, Abraham Lincoln (played in adulthood by Walker) lost his mother when malicious vampire Jack Barts (Csokas) drained the life out of her. Years on, Lincoln has grown into a young man with revenge on his mind. Assisted in his vendetta by veteran vampire hunter Henry Sturges (Cooper), Lincoln begins learning the ropes of killing the undead, and vows to terminate the population of bloodsuckers who exist undetected among the living. Settling in Springfield, Lincoln works as a shopkeeper's assistant by day and vampire killer by night, driven by the thought of one day getting the opportunity to take out Jack Barts. Lincoln's life in Springfield leads him to meet and fall in love with Mary Todd (Winstead) before moving to Washington, D.C., where he enters politics and works his way up to becoming the 16th President of the United States. But his vampire hunting days are not quite behind Lincoln yet, as vampire boss Adam (Sewell) begins backing the South with bloodsuckers to help the Civil War effort and overthrow the President.

Grahame-Smith's script sticks closer to the historical record than expected, cleverly reworking key events in Lincoln's life as well as broader historical moments to suit the vampire-hunting conceit. For probably half of its 100-minute runtime, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter actually works, as it shows a surprisingly keen interest in character development intermingled with (mostly) satisfying action set-pieces. As time goes by, however, the quality of everything rapidly declines, most notably the storytelling. Mary Todd calling off her engagement to Stephen A. Douglas (Tudyk) happens without the audience, and Lincoln and Mary advance from young lovers to greying middle-aged married couple in the space of a single scene. Not much vampire business happens once Lincoln becomes President, making his presidency seem like somewhat of an afterthought. As a result, a lot of potential goes unrealised.

At the very least, it's fantastic to see vampires with actual bite here. Due to the godawful Twilight saga, vampires have become reduced to lovelorn, emo metrosexuals, but Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter features frightening vampires who kill without compunction. In the early stages of the film, the vampires are genuinely creepy, giving the picture an effective spark of horror. But alas, it's not long before Timur Bekmambetov gives over to dumb, cartoonish, CGI-heavy action. At times the action scenes are exhilarating, but after a while the repetitive slo-mo routine grows wearisome. On top of this, a few set-pieces are utterly incoherent (I can't make heads or tails of the sequence when Abraham and his friends leave a vampire-filled mansion in a horse carriage). Perhaps the biggest issue with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is that it's a confused mixture of B-grade absurdity and serious drama. It needed to settle on a consistent tone.

At the very least, Benjamin Walker is an ideal protagonist and a solid choice for Abraham Lincoln. Walker managed to nail Lincoln's gaunt, awkward demeanour as well as his charming earnestness. It's a huge benefit to have such an engaging actor to latch onto amid the troublesome storytelling. Dominic Cooper is equally good as Abe's mentor Henry. Meanwhile, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (a strangely beautiful choice for the role of Mary Todd Lincoln considering how unattractive the real woman was) is serviceable if unremarkable, and Rufus Sewell clearly relished the chance to play the vampiric antagonist Adam.

In post-production, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was subjected to a 3-D conversion. It may make sense for this to be in 3-D due to its reliance on flashy CGI, but the image is dark and drab from behind the glasses, not to mention the 3-D effects aren't especially effective. All things considered, it's disappointing how underwhelming Vampire Hunter is. It had all the right ingredients - a great action director at the helm, Tim Burton as producer, and an R-rating - but the final product fails to take advantage of the limitless potential. It's worth seeing, but temper your expectations.

5.9/10

"My name is Alice, and this is my world."

Astonishingly, Resident Evil: Retribution shows a great deal of promise in its opening 15 minutes. After an action scene breathtakingly unfolds backwards in slow motion, writer-director Paul W.S. Anderson sets time aside to recap everything that's happened in the Resident Evil franchise so far, which miraculously allows the idiotic prior instalments to actually make sense. Better, a sequence set in suburbia has the tone of horror and tension that the Resident Evil films should've been about since the beginning. Alas, this is all just a tease. What follows is an exceedingly dumb 3-D fireworks display, with Anderson leaning on exactly the type of tired tropes which have kept this franchise in the doldrums since its inception. It certainly delivers a lot of stylised action which may satisfy the unfussy, but most everything else is dreadful.

Captured by the Umbrella Corporation, Alice (Milla Jovovich) finds herself imprisoned in an elaborate testing facility beneath the ice in Russia, with her now-brainwashed friend Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory) torturing her for information. When a system reload gives Alice the chance to escape from her cell, she's approached by mortal enemy Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts) and former Umbrella agent Ada Wong (Bingbing Li), who outline a way for Alice to get out of the underwater complex. With a strike team having descended upon the site to rescue them, Alice and Ada begin navigating the various simulated environments, battling hordes of zombies and machines along the way.

In one of the areas of the facility, Alice meets the hearing-impaired Becky (Aryana Engineer), a synthetic clone who believes Alice is her mother due to one of Umbrella's simulations. The introduction of a child admittedly introduces something new, but the rest of Retribution is pure regression. It's more or less a structural remake of the original 2002 film, with Alice fighting her way through an elaborate underground complex ruled by The Red Queen. The proverbial video game comparison is overused by critics, yet Retribution literally does feel like a video game. The broad strokes of its conceptual framework are fine, but the filling is pure video game formula. Every opportunity (no matter how minor) for an action scene is whole-heartedly embraced and over-played, resulting in mindless slo-mo carnage. It's a fast-paced movie, to be sure, but the formula grows weary as time goes by, and the mayhem grows tediously repetitive.

Admittedly, the picture benefits from fine technical specs. Cinematography is often impressively colourful and polished, while the 3-D presentation is surprisingly strong. Anderson has stated that he will never make a movie in 2-D again, so it's fortunate that the filmmaker is adept at three-dimensional effects. It doesn't necessarily add much to the experience, but it does amplify the fun factor of the action sequences. Furthermore, Tomandandy's score is exceedingly cool. Indeed, as B-grade fun, Retribution scrapes a mild pass due to its fast pace. Nevertheless, it seems that Anderson absolutely hates screenwriting, channelling very little effort into creating a frame on which to hang the dull-as-dishwasher characters and action sequences in familiar locations.

Resident Evil: Retribution is a powerfully dumb movie, littered with baffling character motivation and stupid moments. At about the halfway mark, for instance, we are introduced to a huge bulking beast which destroys and kills everything in its path. Later, said beast viciously attacks numerous characters before snatching Becky and carefully carrying her back to its hive. It was included for the sake of an Aliens moment, but makes no sense in context. By the same token, the zombies alternate between mindless marauders and moderately civilised soldiers who can fire weapons and drive jeeps. Furthermore, as the climax approaches, Jill holds Ada hostage with the intention of capturing Alice and co. But although Jill has the heroes at gunpoint and can easily capture them, she decides to release Ada, drop her gun and engage everyone in hand-to-hand combat. Seriously?! Plus, Jill has a mechanism on her chest which lets the Red Queen control her. After a 5-minute battle, Alice finally thinks to remove it. Why didn't Alice do this earlier? Retribution is an insult to anyone with an active brain, and it's impossible to overlook this malarkey no matter how intense the mayhem is.

A handful of mercenaries are introduced not long into the picture, but they are not bestowed with any semblance of depth. It would be foolhardy to expect fleshed-out characters, sure, but we don't even learn their names - they're just interchangeable guys carrying guns. The acting, meanwhile, is nothing to write home about. Jovovich is on the same level as she's always been (for better or for worse), while the likes of Michelle Rodriguez and Sienna Guillory don't seem to care very much. Out of the cast, the worst is Shawn Roberts, whose performance as Wesker is incredibly stiff and false.

To be fair, Resident Evil: Retribution is a whole lot better than the woefully boring Afterlife, which had too much talking and too little ass-kicking. Anderson probably heeded these complaints, so Retribution is pretty much wall-to-wall action. This is fine in theory, but we need some believable character motivation and coherent storytelling. Without it, the film is a forgettable special effects show-reel. When it ends, it leaves us with the promise that an all-out, balls-to-the-wall war picture is coming which may bring closure to the series at last. But it's hard to get your hopes up about the next film, considering that Afterlife squandered the delirious potential established in Extinction's climax, and Retribution shat on Afterlife's promising conclusion. Anderson keeps promising that goodness is to come, but never delivers.

5.2/10

"I'm drawing a line in the fucking sand. Do NOT read the Latin!"

The Cabin in the Woods is an exceptionally hard motion picture to review. Audaciously unique, it's highly recommended that you seek to watch this movie at the earliest opportunity...but I can't tell you the exact reasons why. When you watch Cabin, you should be completely oblivious and without any idea about what to expect. This review will be very light on spoilers, but I recommend you watch the movie before reading the rest of what I have to say. Trust me, you need to get The Cabin in the Woods in front of your eyes as quickly as humanly possible. The directorial debut for Drew Goddard (Cloverfield scribe) who penned the screenplay with Joss Whedon, this is a smart film which reinvigorates stale slasher archetypes whilst always remaining engaging and amusing.

At the beginning of the film, five college pals - sensitive intellectual Holden (Williams), virginal good girl Dana (Connolly), stoner Marty (Kranz), jock Curt (Hemsworth) and Curt's promiscuous girlfriend Jules (Hutchison) - set out for a weekend getaway to an isolated cabin in the middle of nowhere. Suffice it to say, they find various unnerving eccentricities upon arriving at the cabin, and their alcohol-drenched, drug-laden activities are soon interrupted when deadly forces become unleashed.

The Cabin in the Woods uses a mind-blowingly original idea as the set-up for a commentary to highlight that horror movies aren't often original or imaginative. It starts out in the most hackneyed way imaginable, ticking off all the eye-rolling slasher clichés in the book as a bunch of attractive college students with stereotypical personalities converge for a weekend getaway at some secluded cabin. On the way to their destination, they encounter such clichés as a hostile local and dilapidated roads, and, as the group start having fun at the cabin, they find themselves under siege by some malevolent force. Admittedly, Cabin is a little slow to start during this period, but intrigue levels often remain high and the film soon picks up steam. When the full scope of what's actually happening - and what could potentially be happening - is revealed, The Cabin in the Woods completely cuts loose and goes bonkers, leading to one of the most creative, delirious and jaw-dropping final acts in motion picture history.

It's fascinating to see Cabin unfold before your eyes, as Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard's spot-on script introduces fresh ideas into the slasher genre whilst simultaneously adhering to the standard formula. (You have to see the film to understand how this is achieved.) This is not a smug satire of horrors like Scream; instead of an air of superiority, Whedon and Goddard aimed for a euphoric sense of invention. Through this, the script demonstrates that hackneyed clichés can still be effective if they are applied in an original fashion. On top of the creative storytelling, the script is smothered in witty dialogue and features surprisingly complex characters. As with any Whedon screenplay, chief among the film's pleasures is its healthy sense of humour.

Luckily, Goddard's filmmaking is every bit as sure-footed as the writing, resulting in a technically competent motion picture with attractive production values. Furthermore, the cast is sublime from top to bottom. Chris Hemsworth, who looks awkwardly younger here than he did in The Avengers, actually filmed his role of Curt back in 2009, long before he was known as Thor. Newfound fans of Chris should bear in mind that he is part of an ensemble here, and is by no means the central character. Fortunately, his performance is great; Hemsworth makes for a good jock. But the standout, easily, is Fran Kranz as the token stoner character. The little-known Kranz - who said he couldn't stop smiling for days after reading the script for Cabin - is terrific with one-liners, and he inhabited his role of Marty to great effect. (At one point in the movie, Marty's character radically changes, and Kranz effortlessly sells it.) Meanwhile, Kristen Connolly espouses tremendous charisma as Dana, and Jesse Williams did a solid job as Holden. Also in the cast is the perpetually-reliable Richard Jenkins, who absolutely hit this performance out of the park. I can't tell you exactly who he plays, but rest assured that Jenkins took the role and ran with it.

Production for The Cabin in the Woods wrapped in 2009, and the film was completed by the year's end. But delays ensued, as the film was targeted for an ill-advised 3-D conversion that never came to pass (thankfully), and the studio, MGM, did not have the money to fund a marketing campaign or proper distribution. Thus, it sat on the shelf for years, leading to speculation that it was a total dud. Thank God Lionsgate were able to buy the rights from MGM and distribute the picture, as The Cabin in the Woods is anything but a dud. Goddard and Whedon's movie is a fucking triumph - an endlessly enjoyable and dazzlingly daring motion picture experience unlike anything you've ever seen before. If you like horror movies or movies in general, or, fuck, if you just like having fun, take a chance and watch The Cabin in the Woods. You will thank me.

9.4/10

"Track 'em, find 'em, kill 'em."

Though this reviewer was a fan of Sylvester Stallone's 2010 film The Expendables, it was a rough-around-the-edges experiment that failed to take full advantage of its potential. Looking back, it's best perceived as a warm-up. The Expendables 2 is the real deal: the sequel we wanted and the Expendables film we deserved. At last, Stallone hath delivered on the original promise of a cheesy, over-the-top tongue-in-cheek action picture that revives the macho spirit of the '80s for an hour-and-a-half of awesome mayhem. It's a hare-brained blockbuster to be sure, but its infectious sense of fun never wanes, and you'll be grinning from ear to ear for the entire film. The Expendables 2 is junk food cinema done correctly.

Following their latest mission, Barney Ross (Stallone) and his ragtag team of mercenaries are soon approached by the irritable Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), who presents them with a new assignment: travel to a hellhole in Albania to retrieve a case containing information about the location of a plutonium stash. It's a seemingly easy job, yet things go wrong when the team are ambushed by Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and his enormous army known as the Sangs. With the case stolen and the Expendables' youngest recruit Billy (Hemsworth) murdered, Barney can only think of revenge. As Vilain begins harvesting plutonium to sell on the black market, Barney's team - consisting of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Maggie Chan (Nan Nu) - set off across Eastern Europe tracking the Sangs. Extra muscle also arrives in the form of friendly mercenaries Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Booker (Church Norris), as well as Church himself, all of whom are determined to defeat Vilain.

The Expendables 2 hits the ground running, opening with an astounding extended action sequence spanning several locations as the team racks up a huge body count and blows shit up real good. It's a total gas, one-upping the awesome mayhem of the first movie to announce the return of these bad boys in an adrenaline-charged fashion. The Expendables 2 is mercifully lean as well, progressing at a ripping pace as it works through exposition, tough guy bonding time and bursts of top-notch action which strain believability in all the right ways. Surprisingly, character development is far better here than in the first film. The Expendables 2 is a true ensemble piece, with the team working together and partaking in several amusing group discussions in the space between all the violence. The camaraderie between these tough guys leaves very little to be desired, and each character has a distinguished presence. They also seem to be more cultured and have more depth, with character quirks being introduced through the consistent bantering.

The tone is absolutely spot-on here. The first endeavour was perhaps a little too serious at times when it should have cut loose more often. The Expendables 2, however, is more in the vein of True Lies and Commando - it's delightfully cheesy and tongue-in-cheek, smothered in meta playfulness, one-liners, funny repartee and agreeable absurdity (every second of Chuck Norris screen-time is pure gold). It's hugely entertaining from start to finish, with the Holy Trio (Arnie, Sly and Bruce) even making direct career references, and with Norris playing up his internet meme persona. It also walks the fine line between non-serious and outright parody - there are still things at stake and the action sequences are fierce; it's just that the violence is supplemented with a fun-loving, good-old-boy temperament.

With the now 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone having found The Expendables such a mentally and physically punishing endeavour as writer/director/actor, extra muscle was recruited to take some of the stress off Stallone's shoulders for this sequel. Thus, Con Air director Simon West helmed the picture, and his filmmaking is assured and sturdy. Gone is the shaky-cam of the first film, replaced with a smooth routine of wide shots and coherent editing. When Expendables 2 is locked in action mode, West offers up plenty of carnage and wanton destruction, observing the muscular heroes as they use big guns, knives and even fucking rocket launchers to destroy everyone and everything in their path. The body count is well above two hundred - this is a true '80s action film in spirit which lines up a cavalcade of nameless extras to be slaughtered by our favourite heroes. The result is spectacular. In particular, the airport-set climax has got to be in the running for the best action scene of 2012. Brian Tyler's score is also solid, even if it mostly seems recycled from the original film. A good array of classic rock songs are scattered throughout the flick as well, not to mention Frank Stallone's terrific new single "Don't Want to Fight With Me" is featured.

Performances all-round are enjoyable and energetic. Stallone is visibly growing older, but he still has a great screen presence as Barney Ross. Alongside him, Jason Statham is effortlessly badass. But the standouts, easily, are Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Lundgren has a lot more to do here as off-the-rails giant Gunner, and his performance is hugely entertaining. And as Vilain, a flamboyant Van Damme chews the scenery with gusto, delivering his best performance in years. Jet Li's presence is unfortunately minimised in the film, but he shines brightly for his limited screen-time and is well-utilised. Terry Crews and Randy Couture also return, and, with more room to make an impression, both are fun to watch. Meanwhile, Chuck Norris is the gamest here that he's been in years, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is still a delightful, crowd-pleasing presence who handles one-liners with utmost confidence. Likewise, Bruce Willis seems to have broken out of his acting coma of recent years, and clearly had a tremendous amount of fun as Mr. Church. Even Liam Hemsworth is good here - he brings boyish charm to his small role, and actually looks convincing alongside this team of tough guys. The only weak link in the cast is Nan Yu as Maggie. A more interesting casting decision could have yielded a stronger character - what about a seasoned Asian veteran like Michelle Yeoh? Or better yet, a badass female like Sigourney Weaver or Linda Hamilton? Yu's presence just doesn't make sense.

Despite its strengths, The Expendables 2 is still not quite perfect. Apparently, the film was initially intended to be PG-13, and at times it does feel like it's pulling punches, though there are still some agreeably violent action beats (and the blood is a good mixture of practical squibs and CGI blood). Furthermore, while the cinematography is solid in terms of framing, the camera quality is at times astonishingly shoddy, as if a lot of shots were digitally zoomed in leading to a loss of resolution. West and cinematographer Shelly Johnson also bath the picture in washed-out colours of ashen grey, and one must wonder if the film might have been superior with a more colourful look. Furthermore, although Van Damme remains an excellent villain who consistently chews up the scenery (director Simon West has said he was hard to predict and always did something different each take), he doesn't do enough killing, while cult action star Scott Adkins is severely underused as his right-hand man. The movie feels too cobbled together at times as well, with actors' schedules meaning that Jet Li gets conveniently separated from the group in the beginning before they encounter Schwarzenegger, and Statham sits out the big shootout on the New York City set. Plus, Statham's fight with Akins is still a missed opportunity - filming time for this sequence was reduced to accommodate a bone-headed Novak Djokovic cameo which does not even make the final cut. Plus, there's the matter of the CGI throughout the movie, such as a motorbike/helicopter action beat that really should have been cut.

Against all odds, The Expendables 2 does justice to its phenomenal cast, giving everyone a chance to shine. The actors all get memorable kills and moments to their name, and they're nicely balanced in terms of screen-time. Sure, you may complain that the likes of Chuck and Arnie don't get as much screen-time as they should have been given, but a lean, disciplined movie is better than a long, self-indulgent mess - not to mention Chuck and Arnie are so awesome directly because they're used sparingly. Christ Almighty, The Expendables 2 is one fucking awesome film; a hugely enjoyable action fiesta that delivers, and then some. I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face. And just to top things off, the film ends in true '80s style with a stylish end credits reel featuring a curtain call set to the groovy tune of Rare Earth's "I Just Want To Celebrate."

8.5/10

"The past is a construct of the mind. It blinds us. It fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there. You'll find your answer."

I have total recall of the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger/Paul Verhoeven action movie Total Recall. It stands the test of time and, to this day, remains a deliriously fun blockbuster extravaganza with intelligence and subtext supplementing its awesome ultraviolence. 2012's Total Remake, on the other hand, is an unmitigated piece of shit; a generic, big-budget action blockbuster with confused plot motivations and little in the way of thrills or originality. Make no mistake: although it is supposed to be a fresh adaptation of Philip K. Dick's short story We Can Remember It for You Wholesale, this Len Wiseman-directed picture is just a remake of the Arnie movie. Total Rehash is also the most uncreative remake in years - and that's saying something. There is not a single original thought or moment in this joyless two-hour catastrophe. Perhaps the most amusing thing about Totally Unnecessary is that it was produced by the company Original Film, the logo for which prominently appears at the picture's beginning. Oh, the irony.

In the 22nd Century, Earth is devastated by chemical warfare, leaving only two inhabitable regions: Britain and Australia (known as "The Colony"), which are connected via a huge elevator that travels through the planet's core. Blue-collar worker Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) lives a dead-end existence, married to the beautiful Lori (Kate Beckinsale) but plagued by dreams of a mystery woman who tries to save his life. Quaid's curiosity is piqued by a company called Rekall that sells implanted memory vacations, and he visits them, hoping for some excitement in his life. As it turns out, Quaid has had memories implanted before, and his entire life is a lie. Learning that his wife is actually an enforcer working for shady leader Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), Quaid goes on the run to evade capture. It isn't long before Quaid meets Melina (Jessica Biel), a freedom fighter with ties to the enigmatic Matthias (Bill Nighy), who wants to stop Cohaagen's evil scheme.

Once Quaid goes on the run, Total Shit is solely concerned with flashy but numbingly repetitive action beats, and the specifics of the plot soon become hazy. Wiseman's team was so intent on making cosmetic changes that the original premise no longer makes sense. See, Cohaagen sets up an elaborate plan involving Quaid to find Matthias and suspects that Matthias may be hiding in the uninhabitable zones outside the city. But he has a limitless army of robotic soldiers to do his bidding, and everyone knows what Matthias looks like, so why doesn't Cohaagen send out a massive search party? In the original Total Recall, the equivalent of Matthias (the character Quato) was a huge question mark because nobody knew who or what he was, or what he looked like. As a result, Cohaagen needed Quaid to infiltrate the resistance.

For its first 30 minutes, Total Retard is a scene-for-scene remake of the original film - it's the most flagrant rehashing since Gus Van Sant's Psycho debacle. The remainder of the film is a rhythmic and spiritual remake of Verhoeven's masterpiece, retaining the same beats but substituting different locations and switching a few things around. It's the screenwriting equivalent of stealing a Wikipedia article for your homework before using a thesaurus and rearranging words to disguise the plagiarism. I mean, at one stage, instead of a bead of sweat conveying something important to Quaid, it's a tear. Fucking hell, the plagiarism is so blatant that the screenwriters of 1990's Total Recall receive a "screen story" credit.

Even the production design is derivative - it looks like the filmmakers just reused sets from every sci-fi movie from the past few decades, like Blade Runner and Minority Report. Furthermore, scenes and set pieces within Total Ripoff seem to have been lifted from other, better films: the hovercar chase mirrors The Fifth Element, and Quaid has a conversation with a recording of himself in a scene stolen directly from I, Robot. While Totally Awful carried a hefty budget and thus looks handsome, there is no personality or panache to Wiseman's direction; it's all exceedingly banal and pedestrian. The filmmaking is flashy but soulless, with Wiseman mistaking CGI overload for genuine excitement. It's hard not to be impressed with the visuals, but you'll be hard-pressed to get swept up in anything that happens.

It is also evident that Wiseman deviated from the Arnie movie in specific ways to ensure that the content was PG-13-friendly. For instance, an early scene in the original Total Recall implies that Quaid and Lori have morning sex, but a similar scene in Total Failure ends with Lori being called into work before Quaid can get his rocks off. (Clearly, Wiseman was unwilling to let his ridiculously hot wife do much making out.) Additionally, the soldiers are predominantly robotic, eliminating the need for blood. The script also minimises the brothel in this remake. In Verhoeven's original film, the brothel was where freedom fighters congregated and made a living, and Melina was a prostitute. The brothel in Total Flop is seen for all of one minute, and it isn't a station for freedom fighters. Instead, the freedom fighters resemble something from Half-Life 2 (they stole from video games, too?) and don't seem to have much of a cover or contingency plan. Admittedly, the iconic three-boob chick appears here, and it's the best part of the film, but we saw the three-boob chick in the original film, where she had more screen time. This is the thing: even if you want to praise something about Total Reheat, you'd be better off praising what it stole from.

Worse, the script reduces a formerly colourful ensemble to a bunch of generic faces without much in the way of human emotion or feeling. Everyone carries their serious faces here, and none seem to have even heard the word "humour" in their lives. Colin Farrell does what he can, but he's not an action hero - the actor works best as a hammy supporting character (see Fright Night and In Bruges). Likewise, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel are entirely unremarkable. The always-brilliant Bryan Cranston is also left to founder on-screen, while Bill Nighy's role in the flick is over as soon as it begins. What a way to waste a bunch of talented thespians.

Fuck me, Total Retard is a rancid piece of shit; a joyless, empty assembly-line motion picture without any cinematic personality. It's the type of big-budget flick for which you sit there, numbed and bored, while shitloads of money splash across the screen, handled by a filmmaker who has no idea how to generate excitement or exhilaration. During the action scenes, I kept departing my physical form, entering a state of limbo where I thought about places I'd rather be... And then I'd return to my body only to think, "It's still going?" A reimagining of Total Recall was completely unnecessary, and the fact that this remake offers nothing worthwhile leaves it without a compelling reason to exist. Fuck this movie!

1.9/10

"If you wanna perform for the brothers in Vietnam, you gotta give 'em soul!"

In the tradition of films like Red Dog, 2012's The Sapphires is a sweet, entertaining Aussie feature destined to win the hearts and minds of the Australian movie-going public. On a basic level, the film is best described as an amalgam of Cool Runnings and Dreamgirls with an ocker twist, all set against the backdrop of the Vietnam War. Directed by Aboriginal actor Wayne Blair, the movie is an adaptation of the stage show of the same name by Tony Briggs (which actually starred Blair). Briggs based his show on the experiences of his mother, who was part of an all-Aboriginal singing group which toured Vietnam to entertain the soldiers during the late 1960s. What's so great about The Sapphires is that it's not afraid to touch upon the racial issues of the turbulent period within a dramatic story, yet the film possesses a marvellous sense of fun; it's sassy, breezy and frequently side-splitting. Not to mention, the soundtrack is outstanding.

In 1968, Aboriginal sisters Gail (Mailman) and Cynthia (Tapsell) flaunt their impressive singing chops at a talent quest at a local pub. While the girls are shunned by the bigoted townsfolk, scruffy Irish musician Dave (O'Dowd) sees potential in them. With the girls' talented younger sister Julie (Mauboy) also wanting to perform, and with the girls managing to recruit long-estranged cousin Kay (Sebbens), Dave agrees to manage the group. Calling themselves The Sapphires, the group seek the opportunity to entertain the American soldiers in Vietnam. Following a successful audition, The Sapphires soon find themselves jetting overseas, where they're an enormous hit.

At a brisk 95 minutes, The Sapphires tells a great story in an efficient manner, and director Wayne Blair keeps the pace extremely taut. Admittedly, the narrative does seem to move too quickly from time to time (Dave's decision to help the girls doesn't feel entirely organic), but the script's brevity is otherwise appreciated. Furthermore, The Sapphires is deeper than most fluffy mainstream films - it introduces serious questions about racism and the pointlessness of the Vietnam War, not to mention it touches upon the stolen generations and issues of racial identity. The only problem with The Sapphires is one of tone. The picture concerns itself with comedy and drama, but sometimes it's genuinely difficult to figure out what Blair is shooting for (a supposedly serious confrontation between The Sapphires and Vietcong soldiers seems somewhat on the comedic side, for some reason). On other occasions, the tonal changes are too abrupt and jarring when Blair should have eased into the overtly dramatic stuff.

For a small Australian film, The Sapphires possesses unexpectedly excellent production values. Its authenticity is off the charts - the recreation of '60s-era Australia is spot-on, and scenes which take place in Vietnamese war zones give big-budget blockbusters a run for their money. It isn't long before you stop focusing on the astonishing period detail and just believe that it takes place in its specified time period. Additionally, Warwick Thornton's skilful cinematography affords the film a beautiful, colourful look befitting of the picture's uplifting vibe. Topping this off is the wonderful soundtrack - The Sapphires is filled to the brim with top-flight songs, keeping the picture bright and entertaining throughout.

In terms of acting, Chris O'Dowd is an absolute standout here with a performance that's charming, hilarious and effectively dramatic. Just like in last year's Bridesmaids, O'Dowd is a scene-stealer whose natural sweetness and charisma shows that he has the potential to be a true Hollywood star. Furthermore, all of the girls are terrific; Deborah Mailman, Jessica Mauboy, Shari Sebbens and Miranda Tapsell share such a natural camaraderie that you can easily believe them as a family. What's great about the actors is their capacity to handle both the dramatic and comedic elements inherent in the narrative.

Just like the classic soul songs that the girls perform, The Sapphires is an infectiously fun motion picture overflowing with feel-good charm. If you're seeking a feel-good movie, this fits the bill with aplomb. As the end credits begin to roll, you'll have tears running down your cheeks, your heart will be warm, and you'll have a big smile on your face. No mean feat. If a film can achieve this dizzying prospect, it's definitely worth seeing.

8.2/10

"Jason Bourne was just the tip of the iceberg."

A Bourne adventure without Matt Damon or the title character, 2012's The Bourne Legacy has always been a questionable project since its inception. 2007's The Bourne Ultimatum provided a wholly satisfying conclusion to Jason Bourne's character arc, leaving little reason to continue the series, especially since Damon and director Paul Greengrass showed no interest in returning. But The Bourne Legacy entered production nevertheless, with the always-reliable Tony Gilroy serving as co-writer and director. Fortunately, while it's not up the original trilogy's standard of brilliance, the film is no bust either. It's an unnecessarily talky and at times meandering thriller, yet it's also a periodically exciting and engaging continuation of the formidable series.

With Bourne having exposed Operation Blackbriar and the Treadstone Project, the CIA falls under FBI scrutiny. Called in for help, military advisor Eric Byer (Norton) convinces his superiors to shut down their assorted clandestine programs and terminate all of their supersoldiers. One such operative is Aaron Cross (Renner), who's toiling away in the Alaskan wilderness but is running low on the special medication which gives him enhanced physical and mental abilities. Byer and his associates are led to believe that Cross has been terminated, allowing him to live off the grid as he travels back to Maryland in search of meds. He finds an ally in Dr. Marta Shearling (Weisz), a biochemist who narrowly survives a mysterious murder-suicide in her lab. Dropping in before Marta can be finished off, Cross teams up with the anxious woman.

Tony Gilroy had a hand in scripting The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, making him an obvious choice to direct this continuation. Having all but nothing to do with the novel by Robert Ludlum, Legacy (written by Gilroy and his brother Dan) is not so much a reboot but a spin-off; a parallel track to Bourne's story. It takes place somewhere during the events of Ultimatum, and is built on a simple premise: Bourne caused a ripple effect throughout the intelligence community, and he was not the only Treadstone agent. Unfortunately, sizeable portions of the picture are precariously verbose, fruitlessly devoting an inordinate amount of time observing flustered CIA officials in dimly-lit rooms. While it may seem important to get a glimpse of the machinations within CIA headquarters and thus comprehend why they choose to shut down Treadstone, there's too much filler here and the material is ultimately less interesting than Aaron's more engaging story. One must wonder how effective the film might've been if the material was brisker. As it is, Legacy is often lethargic, and you'll be left glancing at your watch whenever Gilroy returns to CIA HQ.

Rather than retaining Greengrass' proverbial shaky-cam approach, Gilroy put his on aesthetic stamp on the franchise, opting for a more classical, sturdier filming style somewhat in the vein of Doug Liman's Bourne Identity. Gilroy's cinematographer was none other than Robert Elswit (The Town, Michael Clayton, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol), so the movie looks predictably handsome. And when it comes to the action scenes, Gilroy never treads a foot wrong; each action beat is sharp and muscular. Especially impressive is a set-piece in an old house during which Cross dispatches bad guys with exhilarating finesse, and there's a chase through Manila which is as exciting as anything from the prior Bourne movies. Plus, there's a tense and chilling lab shooting that's destined to leave you speechless (especially in the wake of the infamous Aurora shootings). Gilroy gets massive plaudits for his skilful grasp of mise-en-scène.

Renner is a top-flight substitute for Matt Damon, as he's a charismatic star who can handle physical action scenes and command attention. Renner has bounced around the cinematic sidelines for years (most recently in Ghost Protocol and The Avengers), so it's satisfying to see the actor getting a lead role. Meanwhile, Weisz (who, impossibly, is even hotter here than she was in The Mummy thirteen years ago) is believable and watchable as Marta. Most of the movie called for her to just be confused and harried, but Weisz handled these requirements with aplomb, remaining eminently charming in the process. The rest of the actors, however, are completely forgettable. The likes of Norton and the returning Albert Finney had very little to work with, and as a result come across as empty, interchangeable cardboard cut-outs.

Perhaps The Bourne Legacy might have worked better with a revised structure. The tedious CIA material could have been entirely excised from the picture, allowing us to stay focused on Aaron at all times and therefore experience everything from his perspective. The "hook" of the Bourne trilogy was Jason's search for answers, and the films left us as clueless as the protagonist. As a result, viewers can feel personally involved in Bourne's adventures. But there are no mysteries in Legacy, and thus no hook. Instead, it's just a very routine action-thriller without many twists or turns. This is easily the weakest entry in the Bourne franchise, as it lacks the jittery momentum of its predecessors. Nevertheless, it's not a bad way to spend a few hours.

6.1/10

"Do you really think for one second those wimps at the Pentagon... would allow the regeneration of dead soldiers, American soldiers?"

A masculine action staple from 1992, Universal Soldier represents the perfect recipe for a big, dumb action spectacle. After all, it features genre titans Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in their prime, it is R-rated, it's vehemently old-fashioned, and it was overseen by action filmmaker extraordinaire Roland Emmerich (Stargate). Although it might be challenging to defend Universal Soldier from a serious critical standpoint, it's a near-masterpiece on its own terms: a kick-ass red-meat action film with ample explosions and bloodletting, all played with tongue firmly planted in cheek. The film delivers in this sense, and it does so effectively, with competent production values, memorable one-liners, and entertaining set pieces.

In 1969, while fighting in the Vietnam War, Pvt. Luc Devereux (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and the insane Sgt. Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren) kill each other during a confrontation over the murder of innocent civilians. In the early 1990s, the preserved corpses of the two men are reanimated and placed in the top-secret "Universal Soldier" program, which aims to create a counterterrorism unit comprised of elite, super-powered, emotionless warriors. However, Devereux begins recalling his traumatic Vietnam experiences, which snaps him out of his medical trance. When curious news reporter Veronica (Ally Walker) trespasses on a military base and stumbles upon evidence of the UniSol program, the soldiers violently intervene, and Devereux escapes with the young journalist. Meanwhile, Scott likewise regains consciousness and returns to his war zone insanity as he hunts Devereux through the American Southwest.

The premise of Universal Soldier is patently ridiculous, supported by flimsy, high-school-level science. Yet, this should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Emmerich's filmography, as blockbusters like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012 likewise laugh in the face of believable science. Fortunately, Emmerich and the three credited screenwriters embrace the ridiculousness, and Universal Soldier is, therefore, exceedingly tongue-in-cheek and goofy, never taking itself too seriously or pretending to be a serious science fiction production. Unsurprisingly, the film adheres to a standard narrative template, with little in the way of intriguing twists or turns, and there's even a trace of romance that is incredibly forced. This flat romantic subplot, coupled with a few patches of poor pacing, denote the movie's only genuine flaws (beyond its stupidity and cheesiness).

More than anything else, Universal Soldier is an excuse for Van Damme and Lundgren to beat the snot out of one another, and, heavens me, it succeeds in this respect. The two behemoths are trained martial artists, and the resulting fights are exhilarating to watch. Additionally, outside of the fisticuffs, Universal Soldier contains various shootouts and car chases, all featuring real stuntmen and practical effects, making this a refreshing movie to revisit in the 21st Century. Indeed, stuntmen actually repelled down Hoover Dam, while the pyrotechnics crew set off real explosions and destroyed real vehicles. All of this material is delivered with R-rated action sensibilities, allowing for plenty of brutal violence. And, of course, as with any action film from this period, Universal Soldier has some terrific one-liners. Altogether, it's a lot of fun. Say what you will about the slipshod scripting, but Emmerich is a competent craftsman capable of orchestrating exciting action scenes. This was Emmerich's first big movie, following up the low-budget sci-fi thriller Moon 44 with this $20 million production, which also marked his first collaboration with producing partner Dean Devlin. Afterwards, Emmerich and Devlin collaborated on Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla and The Patriot, with mixed results.

Emmerich and Devlin are acutely aware of their leads' strengths and weaknesses, designing the film to use Van Damme and Lundgren in the most effective way. Thus, Van Damme's dialogue is kept to a minimum, and his lines were even reportedly further shortened during filming. Plus, with the Mussels from Brussels playing an emotionless warrior, he fits the role like a glove, and his martial arts expertise compensates for any perceived lack of acting talent. Alongside him, Lundgren steals the show as the psychotic antagonist, relishing the opportunity to ham it up and generally taunt everybody while wearing a necklace of severed ears. Meanwhile, Walker is merely adequate as the token female/love interest, showing some welcome spunk but making no lasting impression.

Some may find it hard to forgive Emmerich for certain movies (1998's Godzilla being the most controversial), but Universal Soldier is one of the filmmaker's best. Sure, it's a goofy, illogical action blockbuster, but it's also entertaining escapism, and its ridiculousness is all part of the charm. This movie is the very definition of big, dumb, macho fun, and it is the perfect choice for viewers who enjoy this brand of entertainment. Unsurprisingly, the movie spawned numerous sequels, including two cheap TV movies, an awful theatrical sequel, and two surprisingly robust straight-to-video follow-ups in 2009 and 2012.

6.9/10

"You want a holy war, little man?"

As with any comedy, The Campaign is destined to draw mixed reactions since humour is so highly subjective. To be sure, this Will Ferrell/Zach Galifianakis pair-up is not a game-changing comedy like it had the potential to be in sharper hands, but I cannot deny that the film worked for me. Often hilarious and rarely boring thanks to the boundless energy afforded by reliable comedic director Jay Roach, The Campaign is a welcome offering of R-rated comedy glee. It’s forgettable mainstream fluff, but it’s always satisfying to behold a comedy which succeeds in making you laugh on a consistent basis.

For years, Democratic moron Cam Brady (Ferrell) has run unopposed as the congressman of North Carolina’s 14th District. Cam is set to retain his seat yet again without any opposing candidate, but rich industrialists The Motch Brothers (Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow) want to find an easily manipulated alternative. Enter town idiot Marty Huggins (Galifianakis), a shy and none-too-bright slob with an obese family. When shady campaign manager Tim Wattley (Dylan McDermott) shows up to whip Marty into shape, the election race really begins to heats up as a more confident candidate emerges. With Cam facing stiff competition and declining popularity, war is declared, with both sides resorting to dirty tactics to taint the other’s name.

Written by Shawn Harwell and Chris Henchy, The Campaign gets credit for satirising the current state of American politics in an amusing way. The satire is obvious and not especially sharp, but it nonetheless works, as the film hilariously critiques dishonesty during political debates and ridiculous attack ads, not to mention Dick Cheney’s infamous “hunting incident,” which is slyly referenced as well. Basically, the whole film boils down to an episodic succession of comedic vignettes, but this type of structuring works for these kinds of comedies, as they merely aim to spotlight their primary talent doing what they do best. And heavens me, the film works when it goes for the jugular. Ferrell and Galifianakis banter, trade insults and constantly attempt to one-up each other, generating a dependable string of big laughs as the story unfolds. Moreover, the film takes full advantage of the stupidity of each respective character, and huge belly laughs flow from this (a moment involving a police car and a cow had this reviewer sobbing with laughter).

It helps that director Roach has such a deft touch with comedy. Whereas his 2010 endeavour Dinner for Schmucks was definitely marred by its overlong runtime, The Campaign runs a brisk 85 minutes and moves at a furious pace. With a few exceptions, Roach wisely avoids dwelling for too long on certain jokes, and hence sluggish patches are rare.

First-rate technical specs aside, The Campaign's biggest asset is easily the cast, whose go-for-broke sensibilities are a perfect fit for the demands of the script. Ferrell’s childlike idiot persona is ideal for the realm of politics, and it’s a mystery why it’s taken so long for such a proposition to come to fruition. This isn’t a performance to win over the Ferrell haters, but fans of the actor are destined to love his work here. Meanwhile, Galifianakis has created another quirky, childish weirdo here for his role of Marty Huggins. Like Ferrell, Galifianakis’ work is not Oscar-worthy, but he’s pitch-perfect for this type of comedy, and that’s what matters. Digging into the supporting cast, there’s a surprisingly large array of talent to behold. Of particular note is Jason Sudeikis who’s hilarious as Cam’s political aid, while Dylan McDermott consistently chews the scenery and steals the spotlight as Tim Wattley. John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd and Brian Cox are also terrific.

The Campaign is clichéd and silly to be sure, but undeniably works in fits and starts, and the laugh ratio is strong enough to warrant a recommendation. Plus, the best moments weren’t spoiled in the trailers, which is absolutely miraculous. In terms of entertainment, this flick delivers, and then some. It has some huge belly laugh moments which had this reviewer rolling on the cinema floor with laughter.

6.9/10

"Snow White. She is the reason your powers wane."

2012's second Snow White project (after Tarsem's Mirror Mirror), Snow White and the Huntsman represents an attempt to use the age-old Snow White story as the basis for a medieval Hollywood blockbuster. Electing a dark, grim approach, the movie takes its stylistic cues from the likes of The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia - it's a large-scale revisionist adaptation featuring elaborate battles and lavish visual effects. And due to its gritty portrayal of the Middle Ages, the movie also resembles Ridley Scott's mildly successful attempt at revivifying Robin Hood a couple of years ago. It's an idea ripe with potential, but Snow White and the Huntsman is troubled in its execution, with flawed scripting and pacing, not to mention a lack of substance, almost lethally injuring what could have been an audacious masterpiece.

Heir to her parents' royal throne, Snow White (Stewart) is shaken as a child when her mother dies of a tragic illness. Snow's father, King Magnus (Huntley), soon rescues a gorgeous woman named Ravenna (Theron) from the battlefield, and the two eventually wed. As it turns out, however, the scheming Ravenna is in fact a sorceress who uses her beauty to conquer kingdoms. Upon murdering her new husband, Ravenna steals the throne for herself and locks her stepdaughter away. Ravenna continues her reign for years with assistance from her brother Finn (Spruell), preventing herself from growing old by stealing the youth of young women. When Ravenna learns that Snow White is a threat to her immortality, she calls for her stepdaughter to be executed, but Snow manages to escape the castle grounds before Ravenna has the chance to kill her. Called upon to recapture Snow is a boozing widower known as The Huntsman (Hemsworth), who hesitantly agrees to the assignment. But when he learns of Snow White's royal bloodline, The Huntsman has a change of heart, and the two begin looking to stop the treacherous Ravenna and allow Snow to assume her rightful position on the throne.

Visually, Snow White and the Huntsman is an extraordinary effort indeed, with the widescreen frame capturing director Rupert Sanders' finicky attention to detail in terms of sets, costumes, CGI and locales. Sanders cut his teeth with television commercials, which prepared him for the movie's technical aspects quite well. Isolated sequences are considerably impressive (especially the battles) and James Newton Howard's score is engaging. All of these positives are merely surface-level attributes, though; Snow White and Huntsman has very little else going for it beyond the superficial. While the first 40 minutes or so are pretty good, the film begins to drag interminably from that point onwards. There's one especially egregious scene with the dwarves over a campfire, and from there the picture moves at a snail's pace. By the time we get to the token climactic battle sequence, the film already feels too long in the tooth, and you'll be forgiven for wanting the narrative's complex machinations to be sorted out as quickly as possible. Snow White and the Huntsman begins with promise, yet it devolves into a glacial flick unable to generate much momentum; a mortal flaw since momentum is critical for a summer blockbuster.

Perhaps one of the biggest problems is that screenwriters Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock and Hossein Amini endeavoured to retain as much of the source material as possible, extending to that goddamn "mirror, mirror" dialogue, the comical dwarves, and cheesy interludes (Snow "dying" due to the poisoned apple is a key offender, as her revivification makes no sense here). Such material feels out of place in what's established as a grim, dark tale of medieval combat and murder. Yes, it was included out of reverence, but the fight between wanting to do something unique and wanting to retain nods to the original story ultimately yields a messy finished movie that's unsure of what it wants to be. For instance, it's suggested that Snow White cannot be touched by Queen Ravenna when away from the castle, but, because the third act needed a dilemma, Ravenna randomly shows up in disguise carrying the iconic poisoned apple. If Ravenna couldn't touch Snow outside the castle, how could she do this? And if she could touch Snow, why did she wait so long to do so? Worse, the quest to include all the narrative beats from the Disney movie is probably the cause of Snow White and the Huntsman's meandering disposition, as the writers wanted to use the same structure regardless of whether or not it fitted into their revisionist take (the dwarves, for instance, do nothing useful here).

As Snow, Kristen Stewart is bad. Clearly chosen for her appeal to the Twilight crowd, she brings no sense of life or vitality to the role, instead reducing Snow to an emotionless automaton with one facial expression of pained peevishness. Stewart literally just plays Bella here, relying on all of the same "acting" characteristics that saw her through in the Twilight series. Worse, Stewart appears to attempt some form of English accent, yet never settles on anything consistent. One minute her accent is noticeable, the next she just sounds like Bella again. Her horrible performance threatens to cause the entire feature to crumble, especially since she fails to sell Snow's transformation from helpless victim to warrior princess. Chris Hemsworth, on the other hand, fares a lot better, delivering a charismatic, dynamic performance as the titular Huntsman. Espousing an impressively consistent accent, the Australian continues to show why he deserves genuine stardom. Also of note is Charlize Theron, who absolutely sunk her teeth into the role of Queen Ravenna. Theron chews the scenery with gusto, coming across as a convincingly sinister villain. Meanwhile, the dwarves were played by a bunch of talented British thespians - including Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones, Ian McShane and Bob Hoskins - who were digitally shrunken.

From the outset, it's clear that Snow White and the Huntsman has nothing in common with Mirror Mirror - while the earlier movie was cartoonish and light-hearted, this Snow White iteration is a darker affair. What a shame that it doesn't quite work. With a tighter pace and snappier structuring (not to mention a better actress than Kristen Stewart), Snow White and the Huntsman could have been a home run. Instead, it's a mostly unsuccessful experiment which reeks of Twilight and promises that a franchise is imminent. Oh boy.

5.2/10