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First Viewing Plot: When a pair of bumbling crooks hijack the Harrington and Sons toy store, a pair of kids stumble into the heist and are forced to team up with a female security officer to save Christmas.

Holy fuck, this one is a turkey. The Australian streaming service Stan. has started producing one Australian Christmas movie per year since 2020, starting with the pretty good A Sunburnt Christmas. Christmas Ransom is their latest festive offering, and it's also their worst to date, making me question their current strategy. A broad, studiously unfunny and poorly scripted mess of a film, it plays out like a student movie which was made by 'quirky' friends who consider each other hilarious. When even the fart jokes don't land, you know something is seriously wrong. The problem is that the movie doesn't take the story seriously, and the humour feels incredibly forced. It doesn't help that every scene is written like a low-grade SNL sketch and it feels specifically tailored to children. There's nothing wrong with a children's movie, but the execution is disastrous, with people constantly mugging the camera, including the director herself playing a hostage negotiator, whose attempts at humour are the cringiest in the entire movie. (I originally assumed it was a friend of the director who had a role made for them... it made sense when I learned it was actually the director.) Attempts at poignancy and heart are extremely half-hearted, and the movie squanders the opportunity for amusing fights against the crooks holding everybody ransom. Indeed, the resulting set-piece is utterly boring and poorly staged. It never feels like the characters are in any danger because the crooks are so incompetent, and not in a funny way, which also comes down to the blocking and misé-en-scene. There are recycled jokes and gags which don't land, including smoldering looks between two characters who like each other, which again makes this film feel like the work of friends who think they're hilarious. When even the outtakes fail to raise the slightest laugh in me, something is seriously wrong. Skip this dogshit.

First Viewing Plot: A young boy named Nicholas is about to become the next Santa Claus, but must first avoid a crisis that's threatening the magic of Christmas before he can succeed in his new role.

This sequel to Santa's Apprentice picks up directly after the first movie, and I have to admit that I got a big kick out of seeing these characters again after growing to like them so much. The resulting narrative, however, is slightly hit-and-miss, and I didn't find it as involving or as interesting as the first movie - the split focus, in particular, is a bit of an issue. Nevertheless, there are ample charms to this festive animated flick, which still looks absolutely gorgeous and clocks in at under 70 minutes, not including credits. I wouldn't say that this is an essential Christmas movie, but I could see myself doing a double feature of Santa's Apprentice and The Magic Snowflake around Christmastime in the future.

First Viewing Plot: In a European farming village, an orphaned boy named Nicholas enjoys making toys for children to give as presents for Christmas. When a local carpenter lets Nicholas indulge in his hobby and build his skills, Nicholas hatches ambitious plans for Christmas.

I can already hear the internal groans at the prospect of another movie tackling the Santa Claus lore and providing an origin story for the jolly old fat man. Much to my surprise, with a welcome European flavour, 2007's Christmas Story is a superb take on the Santa Claus legend - warm, enjoyable, funny and touching, with a lived-in world and wonderful characters. At no point did I ever suspect a Santa origins movie would make me feel emotion, but I actually shed some tears during this one, which gives you an idea of how effective the execution truly is. Even more miraculous is that the movie is quite short at 80 minutes but doesn't feel rushed or underdone, nor does it drag or waste any screen-time. Admittedly, Santa's transformation into a magical being happens without the audience, but it's this mystique which makes the legend so intriguing, and the movie is more about the characters surrounding Nicholas and their experiences with him. Indeed, rather than a mere fantasy movie, this is a movie about real people, and that's where it soars. I wholly recommend this movie and I intend to revisit it - and not just at Christmastime. This one comes highly recommended, but don't watch the dubbed version...track down the original Finnish version. It's worth it.

First Viewing Plot: An old bitter miser is given a chance for redemption when he is haunted by three ghosts on Christmas Eve.

I've seen so many incarnations of this same story on-screen before that I've honestly lost count, and this 2004 made-for-TV adaptation can't escape that pervasive feeling of familiarity which is inevitable when it comes to Charles Dickens' festive tale. Nevertheless, with the reliably brilliant Kelsey Grammer taking on the role of Ebenezer Scrooge, and with this adaptation being created as a musical full of original songs, it is executed just well enough to justify its existence and ensure it's worth watching. Naturally, this Christmas Carol lacks cinematic gravitas and looks like a cheap TV movie which is a shame, but the songs are memorable and well-performed, and the actors all commit to the material. I can't say I was bored and I don't regret watching it.

First Viewing Plot: A Puerto Rican family living in the area of Humboldt Park in west Chicago face what may be their last Christmas together.

I hadn't even heard of this movie until it appeared while I was perusing movies randomly, and it seemed like a good option based on the IMDb rating and the cast even though I'd never heard of it before. However, put simply, this is one of the most perfunctory family Christmas dramas I've ever seen. Although it runs a relatively short 98 minutes, it feels almost double that length, and I kept mentally checking out while the movie was still playing but never felt like I missed anything significant. It's lacking in proper substance, and I had trouble identifying members of the family during given scenes because their personalities meld together. There are some fine actors here, including Alfred Molina, but the material fails to serve them and each new plot complication feels as perfunctory as the last. It wants to be a hard-hitting drama dealing with serious issues, but it's just not done in an interesting or involving way. It was a nice change to see Christmas from the perspective of a Puerto Rican family, however. Alas, hours after watching this one, it's already fading from my memory and I never intend to rewatch it.

First Viewing Plot: A corporate analyst and single mom named Jen tackles Christmas with a business-like approach until her uncle arrives with a handsome stranger in tow.

You pretty much know what you're getting into with Hallmark Christmas movies, as they all follow the same formula and hit the same familiar story beats. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is another in the festive Hallmark assembly line, and it's simultaneously not as terrible as Hallmark's reputation might imply, and not as good as the 7.2 IMDb rating implies. It's somewhere in the middle; at the end of the day, it's still a predictable romantic comedy set during the holiday season which is not designed for cinephiles or serious film-watchers. Rather, it's the cinematic equivalent of a plum pudding. Anyway, this one still has its charms, as Henry Winkler is good in almost everything, and I can't say I didn't enjoy it. I still had a few laughs here and there, and it's a brisk watch at only 90 minutes. Unfortunately, it still lacks cinematic pizzazz, as it walks and talks like a cheap television movie and the musical score sounds like recycled elevator music. I don't intend to revisit this one, but at least it's more pleasing than the usual Hallmark fare and I didn't feel that it rotted my brain. That's something.

First Viewing Plot: Chewbacca and Han Solo try to get to the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, but are impeded by an Imperial blockade. Chewie's family passes the time with various forms of entertainment.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is one of the most notoriously awful pop culture curiosities in history; a television special so dreadful that it was only aired once before being actively suppressed by everybody involved. This is basically a Christmas variety show, but with an underlying narrative and an attempt to make everything appear somewhat coherent. For years, the only segment of the special that I'd ever watched was the animated segment featuring the introduction of Boba Fett, which I downloaded using LimeWire back in the day, and which was officially released on Disney+ a year or two ago. That 10-minute segment remains solid despite the shonky, cheap '70s television animation. And what about the rest of the special? Well, it's pretty terrible. Everything from the sets to the costumes look chintzy as hell, and there isn't an ounce of gravitas to detect throughout the special's 97-minute running time. There are a few special effects shots during the space baffles, but most of them were recycled from 1977's Star Wars. The other special effects sequences are baffling, including random musical moments which make no sense, and an especially bizarre scene in which a Wookie watches his fantasy woman sing a song as he appears aroused. One Wookie even watches a freaking cooking show. Were they truly that desperate for filler? It's undeniably entertaining to see Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher reprise their roles, though they don't get much screen-time at all. Darth Vader even shows up in footage that was actually originally shot for Star Wars but was removed from the final cut. It's easy to see why everybody associated with the special refuses to acknowledge its existence, and why Disney doesn't want to admit that they actually own it. But it's still fascinating to watch regardless of how terrible and often boring it is, and I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it - if only to be able to tell people that I've actually seen it now.

First Viewing Plot: Elizabeth, the star of a successful cooking show, is set to do a live show on Christmas with her family and a local celebrity, where she'll cook a Christmas dinner. However, she can't cook and she doesn't have a family.

I honestly thought it was a typo when I came across this film while perusing cheap rentals, and saw it was directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. But, as it turns out, this is the only feature film that the Austrian Oak has directed to date. And, for whatever reason, the action superstar decided to direct... a romantic comedy set at Christmas which was made for TV and is a remake of a beloved classic. O...kay? I didn't hate this incarnation of Christmas in Connecticut by any means, as it's a fun enough update of the original movie and it just manages to stay afloat thanks to a few amusing scenes and a breezy pace. It is also enormously clichéd and predictable, though, and it's not funny or memorable enough to become a Christmas classic. I didn't regret spending $2.99 to watch it, so I guess that's something positive?

First Viewing Plot: When a group of mercenaries attack the estate of a wealthy family, a stranded Santa Claus is compelled to step in to save the day (and Christmas).

Fuck. Yes! A mix of Die Hard and Home Alone with a bit of Fatman added for good measure, Violent Night is one badass Santa Claus action movie which actually exceeded my expectations. It's fast-paced and hard-hitting, living up to its title by lathering on the violence during the frequent action set-pieces, and it's pitched at precisely the right tone to ensure that it effectively works. After all, this is a movie about the real, magical Santa Claus fighting a group of terrorists - and the flick knowingly embraces the inherently ridiculousness of the premise. Directed by Norwegian filmmaker Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters), there's plenty of devilish humour amid the bloodletting, and the movie both makes reference to, and homages, Die Hard and its first sequel - which is appropriate given the (presumably deliberate) story similarities. Additionally, with a beefy runtime approaching two hours, it lets the story and the characters breathe, and most of the cannon fodder henchmen are actually given distinct personalities (not to mention, their nicknames are Christmas-based, which gave me a big laugh). It does begin to drag a touch during the second act, but it quickly picks up for the climax. The cast also deserves recognition, as David Harbour is brilliant in the role of Santa Claus, and it's a treat to see Beverly D'Angelo in the supporting cast. Like Die Hard, Violent Night works as a Christmas movie and an action movie. This is another exceptional "alternative" Christmas movie that I can't wait to watch again. In fact, a double feature with Fatman, with a slab of beer, sounds like an amazing way to spend Christmas.

First Viewing Plot: Now an adult, Ralphie returns to his old house on Cleveland Street to give his kids a magical Christmas. He also reconnects with childhood friends and reconciles the passing of his Old Man.

Well, I'll be damned - I enjoyed this far more than the beloved original movie. A legacy sequel which brings back many of the original cast members, A Christmas Story Christmas is a solid Christmas movie in its own right, packing plenty of heart into this story about the loss of a parent and the realities of adulthood, which is precisely why I found it more relatable and compelling than the first film. Since Ralph is now an adult, we see Christmas from his perspective this time, peeling back the curtain on what Christmas can be like for adults. I mean, sure, we see adults trying to put together Christmas all the time (see National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, duh), but it's done well here. Alas, not every vignette lands (the massive Christmas tree is ripped straight from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation), and location authenticity is on the short side - it's obvious that this sequel was filmed in Eastern Europe, not America, which is a problem for a Christmas movie that aims to create a distinctive time and place (last year's 8-Bit Christmas did it far better). Nevertheless, I still enjoyed this movie overall, and the scenes on Christmas Day have unexpected emotional impact. I'm not necessarily sure that this will become an annual staple for me, but I would watch it again.