Reviews by PvtCaboose91

Evidently, the success of the Twilight saga is having adverse effects on contemporary filmmaking sensibilities; perpetuating the stereotype that female audiences who enjoy romantic fantasy fiction do not deserve good genre material. After all, if the girls merrily consume Stephanie Meyer's insufferable bullshit, why bother putting in the extra effort to make something better? Red Riding Hood represents a blatant attempt to cash in on the amazingly profitable Twilight series, with the powers that be doing everything possible to recreate the phenomenon. Catherine Hardwicke (who directed the original Twilight picture) was even hired to oversee Red Riding Hood, which contains several Twilight-esque elements: sweeping vistas, moody cinematography, digitally-created werewolves, a Twilight cast member (Billy Burke), and a story of a girl torn between two young studs who cannot act. Yet, with howlingly bad writing (har har), Red Riding Hood fails as a horror, a whimsical folk tale, and as a romance. It does, however, work on occasion as an unintentional, campy comedy.

Set in the isolated village of Daggerhorn which lies in the midst of a dense wilderness, Valerie (Seyfried) pines for local woodcutter Peter (Fernandez) but is conflicted by her arranged marriage to the wealthy Henry (Irons). Daggerhorn has been previously subjected to werewolf attacks, but animal sacrifice has maintained peace for twenty years. With Valerie on the verge of running away with Peter, tragedy strikes when the wolf kills Valerie's sister and breaks the peace. Fearing for the village's safety, the local priest turns to master hunter Father Solomon (Oldman) and his team of warriors to kill the menace. Soon after his arrival, Solomon lets the worried townsfolk know that the culprit may be one of them in disguise...

Red Riding Hood is a reimagining of the well-known folktale in the very loosest sense of the word. Strip away the title, the red cloak and a ridiculous dream sequence paying homage to the famous text ("Oh grandmother, what big teeth you have!"), and all that remains is a generic story about a generic village under a generic siege by a generic werewolf. Rather than anything approaching a Brothers Grimm fairytale, the film is more like Sleepy Hollow meets Agatha Christie with The Wolfman undertones and Twilight overtones.

Red Riding Hood is a dangerously slow movie, yet one cannot call the film deliberately-paced since that would suggest the sluggish momentum was intentional in order to generate tension and draw viewers into the story. Instead, this is just a cumbersome piece of filmmaking with zero thrills and a love triangle with all the heat of wintertime Antarctica. And for crying out loud, the love triangle serves no purpose outside of making it seem similar to Twilight. (All the more to bore us with, filmmakers?) There are no shocks to experience here, nor is there any no horror to scare us with, worthwhile romance to swoon over, or forward momentum to keep us engaged. Chances are you'll fall asleep not long into the movie. And then when the horribly animated CGI wolf jumps out to growl at the camera, you'll wake up just to laugh at how ridiculous it all is. The film's concluding five minutes, meanwhile, are fucked up beyond anything that could be remotely construed as rational thought, and are unintentionally hilarious.

Every bone in Red Riding Hood's cinematic construction is adorned with the same characteristics seen in Catherine Hardwicke's Twilight film - it has a sleek sheen and a moody atmosphere that flirts with a dangerous edge, but the efforts are ultimately wasted on the soap opera-level storytelling. To be fair, this is at times a visually stunning film, and Hardwicke occasionally establishes a genuinely enthralling, accomplished atmosphere. Yet, too often the film descends into pure campiness. In particular, the wolf scenes make the film's PG-13 rating amazingly obvious, bringing about an absence of genuine terror. Whenever the wolf is on-screen, it looks like precisely what it is: a digital creation. Filmmakers need to learn that practical effects and make-up generate a far more impressive and effective filmic representation of a werewolf. Even 2010's subpar remake of The Wolfman succeeded on a visceral level because it had the freedom to be R-rated, and the werewolf was a practical creation.

Amanda Seyfried can impress when given the right material, but Red Riding Hood does her career no favours, with the script calling upon her to alternate between looking pensive and gazing into space. The rest of the performances, meanwhile, emanate absurdly forced sincerity and intensity. As Valerie's two love interests, Max Irons and Shiloh Fernandez are nothing more than catalogue models pretending to be actors - they are admittedly handsome, but have zero presence and display no evidence of acting talent at all. Veteran actor Gary Oldman was also called upon to provide the material with some gravitas, but instead submitted an absurdly over-the-top, hammy performance destined to provoke unintentional laughs. It was an easy character for the star to pull off, and he sunk his teeth into it, causing a huge ruckus while the rest of the disinterested cast stand around waiting for terror to strike or for something challenging to react to. Unfortunately, Oldman's character begins as someone interesting before the screenplay senselessly turns his Father Solomon role into a cookie-cutter villain we're meant to hate. Zuh? Also present here is Julie Christie whose portrayal of Valerie's granny lacks warmth, while Billy Burke is laughably hammy as Valerie's father and Virginia Madsen is strong but underused as Valerie's mother.

If the team behind Red Riding Hood merged a more convincing romance with genuine thrills and terror, it might have been worth revisiting the oft-told fairytale. As it is, the resultant film is a mess of scare-free horror, laughable romance, and animated mannequins trying to act. Not to mention, with a PG-13 rating rather than an R, a town dance number and a few bloodless off-screen maulings are about as graphic as the film gets. At least the campiness permits you to laugh at it from time to time, though.

4.4/10

After dabbling in remakes (2004's Dawn of the Dead) and adaptations (300, Watchmen, Legend of the Guardians), director Zack Snyder finally stepped up to the challenge of conceiving an original project to test his capabilities. The result is 2011's Sucker Punch; a polarising cinematic experience which foundered at the box office and endured a vicious critical reception. For his first original undertaking, writer-director Snyder dreamed up a candy-coloured fantasy dreamscape with traces of fantasy, steampunk, sci-fi, ninja, pin-up, manga and horror iconography within the narrative structure of a Zelda video game. Not to mention, the leads are a bunch of scantily-clad women carrying badass machine guns, and thus the film additionally represents a teenage boy's fantasy. At first glance, then, it is perhaps tempting to dismiss Sucker Punch as a cynical attempt to appeal to as many fanboy demographics as possible. Yet, Snyder had loftier intentions; crafting a visually stunning piece of action filmmaking with profound intricacies under its surface. Sucker Punch is a depressing, bleak critique of the sexualisation of women in modern cinema (and in real life), and Snyder employed a number of those clichés in a satirical fashion to tell the story.

At the centre of Sucker Punch is the youthful Baby Doll (Browning), who's sent to a mental asylum by her wicked stepfather (Plunkett) following the tragic deaths of both her mother and sister. Alas, the evil of her new surroundings further disturbs her shattered psyche, and she becomes scheduled for a lobotomy in five days. Hoping to plot an escape, Baby Doll befriends fellow crazies Sweet Pea (Cornish), Rocket (Malone), Amber (Chung) and Blondie (Hudgens). Soon, she learns that she will need five items to assist in her escape from the institution and thus the sinister clutches of caretaker Blue (Isaac). The girls' adventures are manifested in two imaginary (or are they?) dream-worlds: a 1920s-style brothel where the girls regress to get away the troubles of their everyday lives, and a fantastical dream-within-a-dream world where the girls are a squad of badass lady soldiers.

Zack Snyder is a great action filmmaker, and he makes every frame look like a painting in an era where most action directors intensely dislike such words as "tripod" and "composition". There are a lot of visually stunning moments of ass-kicking awesomeness to behold here - if you come to Sucker Punch seeking action and eye candy, the film delivers in spades. The production design and visual effects are terrific, and significantly contribute to the film's high enjoyment value. Also, the costumes for the females are everything that a heterosexual male could ask for. Meanwhile, to the credit of director Snyder, blood and gore was eschewed creatively during the fantasy sequences; making the film violent and badass without pulling punches. On top of this, the soundtrack is impeccable - the original music is pulse-pounding and energising, while the cover songs of various tunes suit the style and atmosphere beautifully. In particular, the dialogue-free opening sequence is a tour de force of visual storytelling which is accompanied by a beautiful rendition of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This (performed by Emily Browning, who plays Baby Doll).

Sucker Punch blends fantasy in a reality in such a mind-twisting fashion that it's hard to distinguish what's real and what's imaginary. With subtle intricacies scattered throughout the movie, there are a lot of things open for interpretation, including the masterful ending. However, the big problem with Sucker Punch is that the action sequences do not always fit properly. The film carries a substantial subtext, but there's no paralleling in the action scenes. To illustrate this point, consider when Baby Doll dances while one of the girls sneaks off to photocopy a map - the fantasy scenario for this depicts the girls fighting German zombies in trenches. Cool to look at, sure, but how does covertly photocopying a map have anything to do with trench warfare and World War I? Where's the paralleling? Another misstep is that Snyder always shows the action scenes in place of Baby Doll's sexy dancing that everyone seems to adore. Added to this, Sucker Punch was edited down to attain a PG-13 rating from the MPAA, and this affects the entire production - at certain moments the film is blatantly censored, and the movie feels underdone to the point of feeling fundamentally incomplete.

As for the acting, the female leads carried out what they were required to do: look hot, be athletic in the battle scenes, and deliver their dialogue in an adequate enough fashion. If any of the actors shines, it's Scott Glenn who plays the girls' veteran, hard-ass para-military leader. Glenn's role may be heavily clichéd, but he delivered the clichés with relish.

It is the ultimate definition of irony that Sucker Punch is enduring criticism for being something that it is in fact critiquing and satirising. Scott Mendelson said it best: "At heart, it's a critical deconstruction of the casual sexualization of young women in pop culture, the inexplicable acceptance of institutional sexism and lechery, and whether or not images of empowered females on film can be disassociated with the sexual undercurrent of those same images". Heck, during one particular interview, Snyder discussed why he chose such costumes for the girls: "Someone asked me, why did you dress the girls like that? And I said, I didn't dress them that way, you did. That's what pop culture demands, not me. And that's fun for me - I love that when confronted with the exact formula that they request, they get all freaked out by it, because they're like, "wait a minute - he's right. I do like this, and maybe that's my fault."" With the thoughtful subtext in mind - as crazy as it may sound - I believe Sucker Punch may end up being studied in film classes right alongside Terry Gilliam's Brazil. There are indeed multiple layers of this film to be explored in spite of its shortcomings.

Sucker Punch's detractors will probably believe I'm reading too much into what is essentially a teenage male's wet dream, but I believe that they are not reading enough - instead of bothering to look past the special effects, people are accusing the film of being all style no substance. It's fine if you "get" the film but believe Snyder simply failed in his intentions, but those unable or unwilling to look below the surface are the ones who deserve derisive scorn. After all, it is ironic that critics are complaining about the lack of intelligent, challenging mainstream movies only to have one such movie go completely over their head. Sucker Punch could have been a better film overall - the dialogue could be improved, the characters are rather shallow, and the themes could have been better explored - but it remains an enjoyable action-fantasy with intelligence and relevance.

Brief Word About The Extended Cut: The extended cut restores almost 20 minutes of excised footage, and the restoration of these minutes is to the film's benefit. In extended form, Sucker Punch simply feels more complete. It's easily superior to the theatrical cut.

7.1/10

Especially once the noughties kicked in, Hollywood started taking fire for its notorious "PG-13-ification" of various genres. Teen sex comedies suffered one of the mightiest blows in this respect - nothing is quite as lame as a sex comedy pulling punches when it could have, and should have, been raunchy and hilarious. Thank God, then, for films like Sex Drive, which come along to remind of us of how hilarious a film can be when it has the freedom to go the distance. Loosely based on the young adult novel All the Way by Andy Behrens, Sex Drive was scripted by Sean Anders and John Morris, and it was designed to resemble American Pie and Judd Apatow's oeuvre in being a politically-incorrect, hilariously raunchy comedy with a beating heart at its centre. The film rarely misses its mark, and it triumphantly puts the "sex" back into "teen sex comedy".

Working part time at a donut establishment, 18-year-old Ian (Zuckerman) is a virginal loser with no clue about how to talk to girls, let alone flirt with them. His slovenly best friend Lance (Duke), though, gets loads of action, and is so concerned about Ian's ongoing virginity that he vows to help him remedy the undesirable condition. The solution presents itself via the internet - Ian meets a stunning blonde hottie (Bowden) online, who promises to go all the way with him if he pays her a visit in Knoxville, Tennessee...nine hours away. It is an offer Lance will not let Ian pass up. With Ian's lifelong best friend Felicia (Crew) also joining them on the trip under the impression they're going to visit Ian's cancer-stricken grandmother, the boys steal a vintage car belonging to Ian's older brother and take to the open road.

Sex Drive does not cover a lot of new ground from a narrative perspective; representing a merger of American Pie, Road Trip and Rob Reiner's The Sure Thing. However, the jokes work; the film is consistently entertaining and laugh-out-loud hilarious, making the trip wholly worthwhile regardless of its shallow plotting. There are a few quick, cheap gags, but they are almost always effective, and the talented cast clearly improvised entire segments of dialogue to add to the array of witty jokes and one-liners. Sure, humour is subjective so it seems meaningless to keep stating that the film is hilarious, but rest assured if you enjoy raunchy humour then you will doubtlessly enjoy Sex Drive. Plus, to the credit of the filmmakers, the film is taut and fast-paced, making for an enjoyable romp that at no point grows boring or tedious.

Tonally, Sex Drive is all over the map - purely outlandish in one scene, clever the next, and then sweet - but there is a method to the madness of writers Sean Anders and John Morris, who were simply trying to avoid making a cheap, throwaway slice of teen sex movie fodder. The film begins as a disposable (but nonetheless hilarious) American comedy, but eventually throws a curveball - the three main characters develop personalities, while Ian and Felicia's friendship is realistically gentle, warm and at times uncomfortable. There are a few moments which display genuine heart, especially the scenes acknowledging Ian and Felicia's mutual feelings for one another that they cannot act upon. To be fair, there is a sufficient amount of female nudity and raunchy humour to remind us of what Sex Drive truly is, but the character dynamics are more thoughtful than a more run-of-the-mill comedy. In addition, director Anders is clearly a clever filmmaker - he especially shows great innovation in scenes displaying Ian's online conversations with his internet dalliance, with the chat windows appearing in the air beside Ian like captions in a comic book. It is a creative way to visualise what would otherwise be humdrum scenes of a guy on his laptop.

Leading the hysterical troupe of actors is Josh Zuckerman (Surviving Christmas) in the role of Ian. Zuckerman is sort of a goofy mishmash of Alan Cumming and Zach Braff, and in Sex Drive he summoned the same brand of boyish zest and uncomfortable innocence that worked so well for Jason Biggs in American Pie a decade earlier. Zuckerman was given plenty of amusing material to work with, and he carried out his duties to a high standard. Playing the feisty Felicia is Amanda Crew (Final Destination 3), who's a strong performer with charisma and a winning personality to make anyone fall for her. The highlight of the bunch, though, is Clark Duke in a star-making performance as Lance. In any other film, Duke - with glasses and his pudgy physique - would be a geeky, socially-awkward misfit who's hopeless around girls, but in Sex Drive he's a smooth, debonair playboy and a ladies man who has girls fawning over him. Fortunately, the supporting characters are just as hilarious as the leads. Unleashing his over-the-top comedic side, James Marsden (X-Men) is an absolute riot as Ian's brother; endowing his role with the intensity of a rabid dog. Seth Green also shows up temporarily as an Amish car mechanic, and he's a hilarious scene-stealer.

For the DVD of Sex Drive, Sean Anders and John Morris threw together an unrated extended cut of the film which runs for an extra 20 minutes. However, this is not a traditional extended version. Kicking off with an introduction by Anders and Morris themselves, it is a cut strictly for the fans. Not only does it include additional scenes and footage, but it also features ad-libbing, outtakes, and gratuitous additional nudity (generally in the form of random naked people being green-screened into a scene for no purpose at all). The theatrical cut is the movie the creators wanted to make; the unrated cut is merely self-indulgence for the filmmakers and the fans. Definitely watch the original version first.

The premise of Sex Drive is nothing new, but this is a very funny movie regardless of where its ideas were derived from, and the writing allows the plot to feel fresh and renewed. While nothing deep, this is a genuinely fun teen sex comedy that, for last of better word, had me laughing my ass off. Viewers seeking an enjoyable few hours of R-rated comedy should find Sex Drive to their taste. The film unfortunately sputtered and died at the box office during the theatrical run, but it really is worth picking up and watching. It may even develop into a cult classic.

7.8/10

The last time that former visual effects technician Scott Charles Stewart directed Paul Bettany in a motion picture, the result was 2010's quite literally God-awful Legion. Loosely based on the South Korean comic series of the same name, 2011's Priest is an improvement over Legion...but not by much. As befitting of a former effects technician, director Stewart only seems to think in visual terms without any thought towards narrative, tension or characterisation. While Stewart is visibly beginning to improve as an action filmmaker, Priest is dull and derivative; suffering from substandard screenwriting and bland acting. Fortuitously, the film flopped when it invaded cinema screens, so perhaps there is justice in the world.

For centuries, war has waged between humans and vampires. In response, the Catholic Church trains a cadre of priests to fight with superhuman, ninja-like skill, and they whittle down the vampire population until peace is restored and the bloodsuckers become relegated to reservations. With victory secured, the church disbands the priesthood, leaving them to fend for themselves with limited job skills. Living in obscurity, the eponymous Priest (Bettany) learns that his niece Lucy (Collins) has been kidnapped by a pack of vampires led by an outlaw known as Black Hat (Urban). Priest comes out of retirement to find Lucy with the help of the local Sheriff Hicks (Gigandet). Unfortunately for Priest, his decision puts him in violation of the Church's laws; meaning that he is turning his back on God. Suffice it to say, things progress is a thoroughly clichéd fashion, with very rare deviations from standard action movie tropes.

I put this question to the filmmakers: did movie-goers really need a gothic vampire reimagining of John Ford's classic western The Searchers? Borrowing barely a sliver from the graphic novel on which the film is based, writer Cory Goodman and director Stewart have created a vampiric update of The Searchers with a bunch of additional influences. Priest can best be described as a tasteless cocktail that was mixed by a rookie bartender - it combines The Searchers with Catholicism, Blade Runner, Van Helsing, Sergio Leone, Underworld and Mad Max. Not to mention, the vampires look a lot like those licker creatures from Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Sure, the combo sounds delicious, and fanboys lacking standards may find it cool, but Priest is a failure - a soulless, over-the-top, unbelievably hammy and lethally cheesy mess with a ridiculously overzealous score and generic dialogue. It's dangerously streamlined as well - the picture predominantly rewrites vampire lore, adding hives, monstrous queens and hulking guardians, but these ideas are so underexplored and underutilised that you cannot mark this film as anything but a wasted opportunity.

In terms of strengths, Priest's opening credits showcase a Manga-style animation detailing the epic war fought between humans and vampires. What a shame that nothing else in the movie is quite as inventive as this. The main problem is that the material is played with too much of a straight face. It is possible to accept ludicrousness, but it's unacceptable for an aggressively moronic movie to pretend that it's logically sound. Added to this, director Stewart has no understanding of how to effectively build tension, and due to his special effects experience he seemed to only be interested in staging big action scenes without paying adequate attention to the connective tissue. Cory Goodman's script is of no help due to how barebones it seems to be. How ironic that Legion had too much superfluous meat on its bones, whereas Priest was left with insufficient meat. (Whether Priest's barebones nature can be attributed to aggressive editing room tactics or Goodman's script is a mystery.) The antagonistic vampires, meanwhile, were brought to life with so-so digital effects, removing any sense of threat that they might otherwise impart. Admittedly, the filmmakers pushed the PG-13 rating to its very boundaries and beyond, and it's staggering that they obtained such a docile rating with so much violence. Nevertheless, there are too many moments of awkward cutaways, keeping the material blatantly censored when it's crying out for the full R-rated treatment.

Paul Bettany should apply for a restraining order against director Scott Charles Stewart before he gets typecast as a B-movie actor with the emoting skills of someone like Steven Seagal. Bettany played the role of Priest as a series of blank stares and with a monotone line delivery that fails to give the material the intensity and gravitas it demands. His lean physicality may be well-suited for the part, but this ranks among Bettany's very worst and disinteresting performances to date. (Not to mention, Priest is a human, yet without explanation he is shown to have the skills to literally defy gravity.) As Sheriff Hicks, Cam Gigandet clearly strived to play the role as a Han Solo type, and to his credit he's not bad, but the young actor comes up short in the personality department. Maggie Q is also present, but it's clear that she was only used for her skills as a martial artist than a thespian. And finally, Karl Urban barely registers as Black Hat.

Priest was delayed numerous times before ultimately landing in May 2011, and the main reason for the delay was to give the film an unneeded 3-D conversion. There was no compelling reason at all to give the film the extra dimension other than greed, as the film is still bad no matter how you view it. Perhaps at one stage Cory Goodman's script was something more substantial, with character development and dramatic growth to develop this post-apocalyptic world beyond the action highlight reel that director Stewart ended up knocking together and delivering. Clocking in at about 80 minutes, the storytelling texture of Priest was stripped away in favour of slo-mo action beats that are not intense or exciting enough. On a visceral level, the film has enough action and impressive visuals to hold the interest of most 12-year-old boys or other adolescents, but this type of thing is simply not enough. Priest just exists - it's not outright horrible and it is watchable to an extent, but it's nothing remotely memorable.

5.1/10

Based on Clive Barker's short story The Forbidden, Candyman is a horror movie which combines elements of cinematic ghost stories, archetypal slasher/stalker circumstances and urban legends - and it is a rather solid combination at that. While the original short story was only around 35 pages in length, writer-director Bernard Rose added creative ideas and interesting additional subplots to create this 95-minute exercise in terror. However, what's most impressive about Candyman is that it scares you with ideas and gore, instead of simply just gore. There are no screaming, virginal teens in this tale - just educated, smart adults, and the audience are generally treated as educated and smart throughout the movie. Indeed, Candyman gleefully celebrates its status as a proper horror film while also possessing intelligence and creativity; two elements found all too rarely in this genre.

Helen Lyle (Madsen) is a grad student working on a thesis about urban legends with fellow student Bernadette (Lemmons). While interviewing locals about their knowledge and experience with urban legends, she learns about the insidious legend of the Candyman (Todd); a murdered black man in a fashionably long coat who haunts the housing estate of Cabrini Green and who can be summoned by reciting his name five times in a mirror. Helen also learns that the residents of a slum neighbourhood are attributing a succession of gruesome murders to the Candyman. Unafraid of folktales, Helen attempts to summon the Candyman, and all hell begins to break loose. See, the Candyman is none too happy that Helen poses a threat to Cabrini Green's belief in him and thus his very existence. Helen ultimately becomes trapped in a waking nightmare, with the police and everyone else believing her to be a deranged, unhinged serial killer.

Clive Barker's original story explored urban myths within a depressed working class area of Liverpool, England, but Candyman's writer-director Bernard Rose shifted the narrative to Chicago. The result, surprisingly, is one occasion when a location change is actually beneficial - the shift allowed Rose to use America's historical baggage and racial turbulence to construct the mythology behind the titular Candyman, whose back-story is a bold tale of a brutal race crime involving illicit love and lynch mob retribution. Using Clive Barker's story as a blueprint, Rose created a new cinematic horror monster with the Candyman; an enigmatic antihero born out of romance and racism. With a hook for a hand and armed with real-life urban legend elements (the way Candyman is summoned is reminiscent of the story of Bloody Mary), a new horror icon was created.

With all this thought behind the story, the question looms: does it actually work as a horror film? The answer is a resounding yes, as the set-pieces are imaginative and there are a number of truly gruesome images which were brought to life with visual effects that remain disturbing by today's standards. The cinematography is impressive too, as the depressing slum environments provide an ominous backdrop for the supernatural premise; generating a tense ambience. The stark views of a cold Chicago make it seem as gothic as a haunted castle, and Phillip Glass' organ/piano/vocal score compounds the gothic sensibility. Furthermore, the ostensible directorial excesses such as the voiceover narration and a few random shots of bees and skylines are all placed in context here, and therefore feel necessary. The dialogue, too, is well-written, most notably the Candyman's lines which are chilling and poetic.

More mainstream-oriented film-goers may find Candyman's pacing to be too slow, but this helps the film more often than not; Rose took his time in letting the story unfold, and saved the violence for key moments to make the scares more effective. However, the film is flawed. The climax, for instance, seems too quick and too easy - a disappointing ending to a difficult journey. A powerful conclusion would have made this film an absolute knockout. In other areas, the police are of course extremely obtuse, and there are a few inescapable clichés that come off as contrived. Ultimately, I did not come away loving the movie despite its numerous strengths.

Horror movies are not often known for outstanding acting, but Candyman is better than average in the acting category. Virginia Madsen (Michael Madsen's sister, ladies and gentlemen) placed forth a convincing performance as the bewildered heroine Helen. Madsen imbued her role with confidence and intelligence, which makes the events of the second half feel all the more tragic and degrading. Not to mention, the mix of strength and weakness in Madsen's performance contributes to the sense of mental decay as Helen's world is turned upside down. Also excellent here is Tony Todd, who utterly inhabited the role of Candyman with commendable abandon. His powerful, authoritative voice ensures you will quickly fall under his sway. Meanwhile, Xander Berkeley is appropriately slimy as Helen's professor husband, and the amiable Kasi Lemmons submitted a fine performance as Helen's best pal Bernadette. Everyone's favourite Raimi brother Ted even shows up in what amounts to a mere cameo appearance, and he is an amusing highlight.

In spite of a few script flaws and slow patches, Candyman drips with atmosphere. Though conventional scare tactics are used from time to time, the majority of the film's feeling of dread is derived from Cabrini Green's grungy, graffiti-filled walls, as well as the mix of synthesised music and operatic vocals accompanying the material.

6.9/10

Trust Clint Eastwood to step up to the challenge of directing a space-based adventure movie in the shadow of moronic films like Armageddon and Battlefield Earth. Although imperfect, 2000's Space Cowboys is a consistently engaging and humorous drama-comedy with likeable characters, and it eschews the insulting idiocy of similar Hollywood pictures. Additionally, with the cast including such seasoned, charismatic screen legends as Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland and James Garner, Space Cowboys is immediately in a classy league of its own. One must admit, however, that this is a curious entry to Eastwood's esteemed filmography. During his long and prolific career as an actor, producer and director, Eastwood dabbled in several genres ranging from westerns to mysteries and war movies. But with Space Cowboys, Eastwood is overseeing a production involving extensive special effects and scenes set in zero gravity.

In 1958, the four men of Team Daedalus - Frank Corvin (Clint Eastwood), Hawk Hawkins (Tommy Lee Jones), Tank Sullivan (James Garner) and Jerry O'Neill (Donald Sutherland) - were the best that the American Air Force had to offer, and they were shaping up to be the first Americans in space. However, with the United States government creating NASA, the high-ranking Bob Gerson (James Cromwell) replaces the hopeful Team Daedalus with a chimpanzee. Years later, in the late 1990s, a Russian communication satellite begins losing altitude and threatens to plummet to Earth. NASA agrees to help the Soviets, but NASA engineers cannot understand the satellite's dated guidance system from the 1960s. Unfortunately for Gerson, his only hope is to recruit the system's creator, Frank Corvin, who is now a senior citizen. Frank, who still despises Gerson, only agrees to help on one condition: that he and the other guys from the former Team Daedalus can travel into space to repair the satellite.

A light-hearted, feel-good boy's movie, Space Cowboys is a convincing home run. Written by Ken Kaufman and Howard Klausner, it is entertaining and enjoyable, with an interesting story that translates to something engrossing and well-paced in Eastwood's trustworthy hands. Although the movie is primarily a drama, there is ample humour, and Eastwood handles the material with a deft hand. By endowing every character - even the supporting roles - with strong personalities, witty humour flows from their interactions without descending into self-parody. Even more surprisingly, Eastwood and the screenwriters take the story beyond the comedic to include moments of drama and tragedy, which is incredibly effective.

With a hefty 130-minute runtime, Eastwood wisely devotes the first two-thirds of Space Cowboys to setting up the characters and the story. Before the characters blast off into space and, consequently, into the possibility of danger, we have the opportunity to genuinely get to know the guys and grow to like them, warts and all. The character development is unhurried and compelling, thanks to the witty writing and the impeccable cast of screen legends. Eastwood clearly understands that action movies are more exciting and engaging if audiences care about the characters. With that said, though, a few clichéd storytelling fragments do not entirely gel, such as a barroom brawl that arises due to the clichéd hostility between Frank and Hawk. However, these shortcomings barely matter since the sense of fun never wanes. Thankfully, too, the final act is consistently gripping once the action shifts into outer space.

Those expecting Space Cowboys to incorporate aliens, space warfare, or large-scale battles should look elsewhere for entertainment, as Eastwood's film is closer in tone to Apollo 13 - it's a drama that is more about the characters than the spectacle. Space Cowboys also demonstrates that such a film can be intense and nail-biting if something goes wrong in space, and that is what happens to fuel the movie's climactic moments. Superficially, the film shares similarities to Armageddon, as it likewise involves several oddball characters going into space to stop a disaster. But the similarities end there, as Space Cowboys confidently surpasses the Michael Bay-directed film due to its quieter tone, more likeable characters, and a firm refusal to become an overblown, brainless blockbuster. NASA even consulted on the production to enhance the film's authenticity, allowing everything to feel real and plausible instead of overtly Hollywoodised. It helps that the visual effects by Industrial Light and Magic are stunning, vividly bringing the space scenes to life through old-school miniatures, enormous sets and digital doubles. Plus, with cinematographer Jack N. Green capturing the action on 35mm film, the picture carries a tangible, old-school appearance instead of a glossy digital look. Over two decades later, the illusion effortlessly stands up.

Most of the fun of Space Cowboys derives from watching the leads in their autumnal years playing geriatric space jockeys and bantering with one another. All four leads are charismatic and comforting to watch, and we can quickly grow to like these guys. Even though Eastwood also produced and directed the film, this is not an ego trip for him, with the other guys receiving plenty of quality script material to work with. Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner and Donald Sutherland all score most of the laughs and get a large majority of the side-splitting one-liners, and Jones is the one who gets the girl in the end. The sense of camaraderie within the group and the chemistry they share is tangible and charming; as a result, it is pleasant to spend time in their company for two hours. Even the supporting cast is outstanding, with actors like James Cromwell, Marcia Gay Harden and William Devane bringing their A-game to the table here. The picture commences with a black-and-white prologue featuring younger versions of Gersen and Team Daedalus, and the actors share an adequate resemblance to their older counterparts, but less effective is the decision to dub the actors with the voices of Eastwood, Jones, Garner, Sutherland and Cromwell. The voices sound distinctly older, and the resulting audiovisual dissonance is strange.

Curmudgeons and cynical movie-goers could probably find things to complain about since the storytelling is not devoid of clichés, the film does take liberties with science, and it's not exactly groundbreaking cinema. Yet, it all adds up to a fun time, and the joy of Space Cowboys is spending quality time with charismatic actors who work well together and easily score laughs. With an engaging story, several humorous moments, a pulse-pounding climax, and a heartwarming outlook on life, Space Cowboys is top-notch family-friendly filmmaking.

7.9/10

Adapted from the pages of a Dark Horses Comics series, 1994's Timecop essentially uses the same type of formula applied to Total Recall: put a popular action star into a science fiction setting, add a few plot twists, and give the action star all the leeway he needs to blast and punch his way out of trouble. A futuristic time travel cop action-thriller produced by Sam Raimi and Robert Rapert (of Evil Dead fame), Timecop ranks among the best films of Jean-Claude Van Damme's filmography, not to mention it is to date his highest grossing theatrical release (earning over $100 million worldwide). With that said though, the film only works as a primal shoot-'em-up slice of action cinema and a guilty pleasure best watched with alcohol. Viewed as a serious futuristic time travel movie, on the other hand, Timecop has some fairly glaring issues.

In 1994, time travel has become possible thanks to new scientific breakthroughs. Travelling into the future cannot be done yet, but travelling into the past has become a reality, and with that reality comes the very real danger of the past being manipulated to alter present-day. In order to maintain the status quo, the Time Enforcement Commission (TEC) is established by the government, sponsored by young hotshot Senator McComb (Silver) who immediately sees the potential for wielding control over the TEC and using time travel for his personal benefit. Enter Max Walker (Van Damme), who works at the agency but whose wife was murdered in 1994 by a group of assailants. Fast-forward to 2004, and Walker learns that Senator McComb is manipulating time in order to amass the necessary funds to buy the Presidency, all the while working to permanently shut down TEC.

If one strips away the time travelling tomfoolery, Timecop is merely a typical Van Damme action flick. With the sci-fi element, though, the film becomes both stupider and a bit more audacious than a more run-of-the-mill effort. See, any film involving time travel is inherently traversing precarious ground, and Timecop is no different - it's marred by a few plot holes and stupidities. For instance, there are no noticeable effects on present-day when Walker travels back to 1928 to kick ass, dodge bullets fired from a futuristic laser canon in front of a lot of people, and leap out a window only to disappear into a wormhole above a busy street. In another scene, a character explains that Confederate gold bullion stolen from the past was carbon-dated to reveal that it was indeed minted back in the mid-1800s. Aside from the fast that gold cannot be tested this way, if it was brought forward through time then it would not test as being 130 years old, right? How does that make sense? And then there is the time travel shuttle launcher which seems to be half though-out. How do the time travellers leave the rocket when they pass through the time portal, but magically reappear in it upon returning to the present? At least the writers did not attempt to explain the science of time travel, which would've sounded ridiculous.

Directed by Peter Hyams and written by Mike Richardson and Mark Verheiden, Timecop is a derivative but entertaining action diversion, and, at a lean 90 minutes in length, it does not outstay its welcome. Ultimately, how much you enjoy the film depends on your fondness for Van Damme (and action movies in general) as well as your ability to turn off your brain for the sake of action and some nifty story twists. Thankfully, director Peter Hyams makes it easy to enjoy the carnage at surface level, as the movie shifts forward at a good pace and there are plenty of competently-executed action sequences unlikely to put anyone to sleep. Hyams saw the movie for what it is - an excuse for plenty of fighting, stunts, special effects and gunfights. Someone like James Cameron could have probably taken both the action/effects and the story seriously enough to hone the concept to excellent, but Timecop is fun for what it is, and over-thinking the film too much would destroy the effortless pleasures it affords. Interestingly, time has not been kind to several of the film's less critical components, such as the hilariously overblown futuristic cars and Van Damme's hairdo.

Jean-Claude Van Damme did not become famous for his acting ability or his thick Belgian accent. Rather, the Muscles from Brussels earned worldwide recognition for his kickboxing abilities, good looks and muscular physique. Fortunately, Van Damme's work here is actually decent; easily watchable, and at no point notably terrible. He lacks the presence of someone like Charles Bronson, but Van Damme exudes more charisma than someone like Steven Seagal. And as the villain of Timecop, Ron Silver is menacing enough and exudes an adequate amount of intensity. The only other notable cast members include Mia Sara (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) who's surprisingly terrific as Walker's wife, and an affable Bruce McGill playing the head of TEC. As a side note, whoever did the hair and make-up gets major plaudits for doing a sublime job of making the 2004 versions of the characters look older than their 1994 counterparts. (Or maybe the actors were made to look younger? It's hard to tell!)

All things considered, Timecop is a fun little reminder of how action films were created back in the early 1990s. The film is carefully calculated to deliver plenty of action, sex, nudity and special effects in every reel, and Timecop is a slickly-produced actioner to boot. If you can engage the film for its duration without the pretence of greatness, this is a fun time-waster. It's definitely cheesy, but this merely adds to its old-school charm.

7.1/10

A cyberpunk action flick, Johnny Mnemonic is based on William Gibson's short story of the same name. To the credit of Johnny Mnemonic's producers, they recruited Gibson to adapt his own story into a full-length screenplay, which in theory should've been the catalyst for a successful page-to-screen translation. Alas, the ensuing feature is a jumble of clichés, terrible dialogue, crackpot ideas and lethally uninspired craftsmanship. This was the first feature film for both Gibson and director Robert Longo (an artist who'd dabbled in music videos), and their inexperience is blatantly obvious. Lacking in heart, soul and intelligence, Johnny Mnemonic is a train wreck of cataclysmic proportions if viewed as a serious science fiction movie. However, if you perceive the film as a campy, comedic '90s cyberpunk action movie, this is a home run. Damn cheesy and irresistibly hilarious, this is the reason why the term "guilty pleasure" was invented.

Set in 2021, Johnny (Keanu Reeves) is a Mnemonic courier possessing a brain implant capable of storing electronic data, making him ideal for black market information transferral. His storage capacity is 80GB, but can be extended to 160GB with the help of a 'doubler' (in an age of 2TB external hard-drives, think about how hilarious this notion is). Johnny wants to quit the business, but is told he must complete one final job (oh, it's one of those plots). Despite the job requiring the transfer of a 320GB file, Johnny agrees. Problem is, such an overload is guaranteed to cause 'seepage', wherein the content leaks into his regular brain and cripples his cortex. Johnny has less than 24 hours to remove the data from his brain before he dies. Further complicating matters is a bunch of yakuza gangsters who are also determined to obtain the data. Also thrown into the mix is the most ridiculous bounty hunter ever: a Street Preacher (Dolph Lundgren) who wears a robe and carries a staff, and who smites both sinners and people with a price on their heads. Fortunately for Johnny, he happens upon Jane (Dina Meyer), who has conveniently-placed friends in high places who can help.

In a decade which bore the release of The Matrix and Twelve Monkeys among others, Johnny Mnemonic is definitely one of the lesser sci-fi films of the '90s. Clearly, the makers of Johnny Mnemonic set out to craft a Blade Runner for the '90s, using esteemed author William Gibson's interpretation of the future and rapidly-advancing technology to give the impression of smarts. The main problem, though, is the dumb as rocks script. Just because the film takes place in a futuristic setting does not mean that all logic and coherence should be discarded. I mean, why store data in the brain when a portable hard-drive would easily suffice? All of the stored data can be accessed by chopping the courier's head off, after all. The dialogue, meanwhile, is amazingly cheesy and unbelievably terrible. Fortunately, Johnny Mnemonic is ridiculously goofy and outright bad enough to be fun, even if it's not a good film at all. The production values are amazingly campy, with "futuristic" sets and effects that often look very cheap - the film looks closer to Mad Max than Blade Runner.

"It's Jesus time!"

Made in 1995, Johnny Mnemonic remains an interesting document due to its laughable vision of 2021. For a film that pondered the near-future, it is already hilariously wrong in 2011. For instance, in ten years from now, do you think a big bulky desktop computer will be essential for accessing the internet? And do not make me bring up the aforementioned discussion of memory sizes. Just don't do it. Meanwhile, Johnny Mnemonic's vision of the future of the internet is ludicrous; a Tron-inspired virtual reality interface constructed with CGI that looks primitive all these years on, though its out-datedness admittedly makes it look nifty. Oh, and there is a scene featuring a cyborg dolphin floating in a glowing green tank. If this stuff doesn't get you laughing uncontrollably, nothing will. Interestingly, in one scene, the titular main character asks for a "Thompson iPhone". It's a complete coincidence, of course, but you'll probably rewind the film and do a double take.

With Keanu Reeves in the title role, Johnny Mnemonic can be perceived as sci-fi practice for the star before his success in the much superior The Matrix four years later. (Incredibly, Reeves here plays a character who wears a simple black suit and a straight tie who is known to his clients as Mr. Smith...) In all likelihood, all of the actors here were told they were making a comedy. Reeves is downright side-splitting in the title role thanks to his overacting and ridiculously hammy line readings. (And does anyone else see the innate humour in the notion of Reeves' brain being overloaded beyond its full capacity?) Alongside Reeves, in her theatrical film debut, Dina Meyer (Starship Troopers) is awful in every frame, but hilariously so. And then there's rapper-turned-actor Ice-T sporting facial tattoos, dreadlocks and a pair of ski goggles. You cannot make this stuff up. Rounding out the most notable players is Dolph Lundgren playing a bearded, homicidal preacher-come-assassin wearing Jesus robes and sporting a large beard, and who at one stage announces his presence by bursting into a room behind a gurney on which lies a woman who was stabbed through the heart with a crucifix. Dolph's dead-eyed, monotone acting is abysmal to the point of hilarity, and he's an absolute scene-stealer. With the actors filling their lines with false, forced intensity, there are a lot of unintentional laughs to be had.

At no point can anyone consider Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Moronic?) a good or even a decent film, but it has its fair share of cult movie charms, from its cheap-looking sets to the old hat CGI to the surfeit of bad acting (I'm never going to grow sick of Dolph Lundgren waving his staff around). Over-the-top and deliciously hammy, this is an irresistibly fun movie lacking in drama, tension and logic that tries to be intelligent - it's like a mentally challenged person trying to use big words in a bid to sound smart but just comes off as even more moronic instead. It's tough not to like this film on some juvenile level due to how awesomely terrible it is, so watch it with copious amounts of alcohol when you wish to give your brain a rest.

As a serious movie? 4.9/10
As a campy piece of unintentional hilarity? 9/10

A computer-animated picture courtesy of the House of Mouse that was stuck in development hell for many years (Ewan McGregor and Kate Winslet were originally attached to voice the leads) and with a staggering nine credited writers, Gnomeo & Juliet most likely began life as a one-line idea based on a clever pun. Despite these aspects working against it, Gnomeo & Juliet is a bright, boundlessly enjoyable animated romp that amusingly turns William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet on its head. It actually appeals to viewers of most age groups, too - adults will be consistently amused by the references and in-jokes to Shakespeare's famed works (including a snide opening sequence), while the kids will learn a bit about the original play as they become enraptured by the likeable characters and the fast-paced narrative machinations. Sure, Gnomeo & Juliet is on the lightweight side and it in no way can compare to the thematic complexity of Pixar's most accomplished works, but it is fun and easygoing. Sometimes, that's just enough.

Next-door neighbours on Verona Drive in a serene English suburb, Miss Montague (Walters) and Mr. Capulet (Wilson) are sworn enemies whose feud extends to the community of garden gnomes and assorted lawn decorations in their backyards. Coming alive when their human owners are not around, the red and blue-hatted gnomes may be separated by a fence, but they often interact to bicker and compete in lawnmower races in the alley behind their houses. From these two feuding families emerges star-crossed lovers Gnomeo (McAvoy) and Juliet (Blunt), who share a meet cute when their colours are camouflaged and decide to give into their mutual feelings. Working to ensure their relationship is kept a secret with help from friendly plastic flamingo Featherstone (Cummings), Gnomeo and Juliet are confronted with a seemingly impossible uphill battle for neighbourhood peace.

Speaking from a structural standpoint, Gnomeo & Juliet is standard-order stuff. The feature is based on an age-old tale of forbidden love, but the peripherals are entirely derived from the 21st Century computer-animated family film playbook - it feels like Toy Story and Over the Hedge merged with William Shakespeare. The concept of using gnomes is amusing, and this is exploited for gags playing on the inherent limitations of being ceramic. To the credit of the filmmakers, Gnomeo & Juliet is a quick-witted slice of family entertainment, demanding multiple viewings in order to pick up on all the gags. Shakespeare fans will likely appreciate the occasional references to the Bard's work through visual cues (a moving company is called As You Like It) and dialogue (at one stage, a character says "Out, out" and another chimes in with "out spot"), not to mention Patrick Stewart pops in towards the end for a cameo as a bronze Shakespeare statue. The sheer energy of the material is never subdued for any great length of time, and a bevy of classic Elton John tunes (John executive produced) were reworked into orchestral arrangements or used for montages. Alas, not every joke is a home run - a slow-mo fighting sequence parodying The Matrix is a decade late, as is a nod to American Beauty - but at least the picture is never boring.

The world of Gnomeo & Juliet is visually and aesthetically stunning, with animation that borders on photorealism. The gnomes are extraordinarily detailed, and the filmmakers did a superlative job of creating an entire world from what amounts to two insignificant adjoining backyards. Common backyard items were worked into the plot to ingenious extents; making good use of decorative knickknack to either further the story or enrich the humour. However, there is not a great deal to be found below the surface - Gnomeo & Juliet is thematically vacant outside of the "true love conquers all" angle and a few comments on race relations that are a bit too on the nose. (At one stage, Gnomeo and Juliet point out their colours to Featherstone, who replies "And I'm a pink, who cares?") However, this is not too much of an issue. Without reaching the profound thematic depths of Pixar, Gnomeo & Juliet is pure shallow entertainment that works thanks to the concept's inherent cuteness and the quality of the execution.

Not to mention, those working behind the scenes managed to assemble an excellent bevy of talent for the voice cast. Disney have the money to recruit big names, so listen closely for familiar voices in more than just the principal roles - even the likes of Hulk Hogan, Patrick Stewart and Ozzy Osbourne feature in small supporting roles (Stewart in particular brings gravitas with a capital 'G'). As the pair of titular lovers, James McAvoy and Emily Blunt are suitably cute and charming, while Michael Caine and Maggie Smith afford class and substance to their family patriarchs roles. Meanwhile, an underused Jason Statham makes Tybalt sound like a true bully, and Ashley Jensen is bubbly and quick-witted as a garden frog and Juliet's best friend (the counterpart to the original story's Nurse character). Jim Cummings is the standout as Featherstone the flamingo, though - his dialogue is bursting with comedic gusto.

Boasting plenty of chuckles and a whimsical charm, Gnomeo & Juliet is not an instant classic, but it is good enough to win over kids and their respective parents for an easygoing night of family entertainment. While the gimmick of sending up Shakespeare will likely be lost on the kids - who will nonetheless enjoy the vibrant colour palette, fast pace and overall cuteness - older and more literate viewers will be able to appreciate the satire peppered throughout the script. This is not even close to being the definitive Romeo & Juliet retelling, but it's a fun reworking of a familiar tale.

7.1/10

It's surprising that The Roommate wasn't entitled Single White Female: The College Years, since this flick is pretty much just a Single White Female redux for which the filmmakers trimmed a few years off the cast and, just to be safe, also trimmed down characterisation, logic, etc... Simply put, The Roommate is unbearable and uncreative, and it was merely designed to appeal to unstable teen girls unable to think of anything better to spend their pocket money on. Considering how utterly generic this piece of shit is, The Roommate must have been green-lit by a studio with literally nothing else to make. The treatment was probably stitched together during a lunch meeting, the casting directors most likely just chose a few random hot names out of a hat, and in all likelihood the director was chosen by a process of drawing straws. The Roommate is a thriller that's all about the superficial - the people are attractive, the film is glossy and the score is generic, all of which give the picture the appearance of competency...but it is all rendered naught thanks to a lousy script and absolutely no feeling or passion.

A freshman at the University of Los Angeles, Sara (Kelly) has no sooner moved into her dorm and attended her first frat party when she meets her roommate: gifted artist Rebecca (Meester). The two girls initially hit it off fairly well, bonding over their adoration for art and coffee shops, until it becomes clear that Rebecca has a major overprotective streak and a dangerous obsession with Sara. Undeterred, Sara finds love with frat hunk and drummer Stephen (Gigandet), though the time they spend together further disrupts Rebecca's dream of a close bond with Sara. Pretty soon, Rebecca's possessive behaviour spills over into violence, and no-one is safe if they attempt to get close to Sara...

It should not come as a shock to learn that The Roommate is totally and utterly formulaic; stealing elements from a lot of past movies. Traces of 1987's Fatal Attraction, the aforementioned Single White Female, 1993's The Crush and 2002's Swimfan can be detected as the film goes through the generic motions with all the enthusiasm of a fat guy eating a salad. Frankly, The Roommate feels like a science fiction film written by alien life-forms; an utterly peculiar, half-cocked guesswork of what life is like at an American college, permeated with dismal dialogue and a story executed in a moronic fashion. Instead of something approaching a semblance of reality, The Roommate is a film set in a surreal, absurdist alternative universe where everyone is stunningly beautiful, teenagers look closer to the age of 30 than 18, and sleazy professors are a dime a dozen.

The Roommate was marketed as a thriller, but it is not even remotely scary. Sure, it was intended to be more of a psychological thriller than an outright horror movie, but aren't there still supposed to be scares or moments of nail-biting intensity? And no, those generic "sharp musical cues" or "jump out of the shadows" moments do not count, because even those are hopelessly ineffective here. The Roommate was never going to be a good movie in a traditional sense, but it could have been decent or watchable if more attention was paid to suspense or the dynamics of the plot. Instead, it for the most part plays out like a boring, middle-of-the-road teen television show like One Tree Hill or 90210 while a generic-looking chick wanders around giving a generic glare that's more funny than menacing. And it takes itself far too seriously. Heck, if the film merely included sleazy elements like violence or hardcore nudity and sex, I'd have at least enjoyed it and could've gotten drunk watching it. But alas, The Roommate sits in the strange, indeterminate hinterland between straight-faced horror and enjoyable thriller. It's all just really flat and tedious on top of being incredibly, agonisingly boring.

And did I mention the rampant stupidity? Not even half an hour into the film, Rebecca terrorises and assaults a girl in a darkened bathroom. The victim's response is not to warn anyone or go to the police, but to move out of the dorm without a single word spoken to anyone. Rebecca threatens to kill her if she reports the attack, but come on, this girl wouldn't even be threatening to a fucking garden gnome, let alone the police if the attack was reported. And it takes far too long for the characters to notice the warning signs suggesting something is not quite right with Rebecca. Sure, Alfred Hitchcock told us that suspense is when the audience knows there's a bomb under the table and the characters do not, but if the bomb is incredibly fucking obvious and ticks louder than Big Ben, then that is not suspense - it just means we're dealing with a bunch of nitwits.

For the most part, the actors are awful. Each character is physically fit with perfect make-up, and their clothes are straight off of Rodeo Drive, meaning the casting directors just focused on looks and bankability rather than, you know, acting talent. Leighton Meester is in no way intimidating as Rebecca - she just glares at people. If a girl ever glared at me like that, I'd just flip the bitch off. Problem solved. As Sara, Minka Kelly appears to at least be trying, but she's limited by the material. The only cast member I actually liked was Cam Gigandet, because it seems as if he was mugging the camera with intentionally awful acting for the lulz. Brilliant.

At this point in time, it has become a bona fide fact that any PG-13 rated "handsome teenagers in danger" movies will suck. It's not a stereotype or a shallow observation based on a want for boobs or mindless violence...it's a sad fact. The Roommate is irreparably crippled by its fucking obvious PG-13 rating and the lack of realisation that the further you go, the closer you get to a black comedy. Heck, with the right people behind it, this could have been a gripping, twisted, hilarious horror classic. What a shame it isn't. The Roommate was decimated by critics, and the box office returns were entirely middling. Come 2012, nobody will remember this movie, so there is no reason to bother checking it out.

2.4/10