Reviews by PvtCaboose91

"A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. Were you aware of that? You're dead right now."

It's difficult to classify Bride Wars. It fails as a black comedy. It's not even remotely funny either, so it can't be considered a plain comedy either. As a satire of the bloated wedding industry, it also fails. As a drama about friendship and triumphing over all, it still fails. It'd probably be best to classify it as "an affront to God". Yeah, that works. Now, speaking in general, chick flicks can work if they are sharply written and amusing, but in the case of Bride Wars...RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! If a friend tries to force you into watching it with them, fake a coronary if you have to in order to get yourself out of there. Otherwise you'll be stuck watching the worst movie you've endured for a long time; yearning for a spare moment when you can commit suicide using the television remote or a nearby blunt object. Bride Wars is predictable, offensive and mundane, and entirely devoid of humour.

The film follows lifelong best friends Liv (Hudson) and Emma (Hathaway). Since they were little girls, the two have shared the same dream: a storybook wedding in June at New York's Plaza Hotel. Now in their mid-20s and engaged to nondescript men, the day has come to book the event at the desired venue. Through circumstances too sketchily explained to go into, both Liv and Emma are accidentally booked at the Plaza for the same day at the same time, and the next available slot is three years down the line. Neither of the women will relinquish their fantasy ceremony, so war is declared... And they have absolutely no problem tearing apart a friendship that has lasted so long.

Renowned critic Roger Ebert once coined the phrase "Idiot Plot" to describe the type of story that could be resolved if only the characters stopped being morons. Bride Wars spins off this notion to offer the "Jerk Plot", with a storyline that could be easily resolved if only the characters stopped being assholes. The women aren't willing to do a double wedding (the most logical option considering they are lifelong best friends), or do anything rational that might clear up the conundrum in 10 seconds. The set-up is just a flimsy excuse for a succession of lame revenge sequences, as the two women desperately try to sabotage each other's upcoming nuptials. This is where Bride Wars falls apart the most: the screenplay (courtesy of June Diane Raphael and Casey Wilson) is packed with the dumbest and least inventive schemes. The other problem is that the screenwriters never develop the nerve to create the dark, nasty comedy the movie should have been. The tricks are nasty, but not cruel enough to work as inspired black humour - most are on the level of a subpar Punk'd episode.

Bride Wars is ultimately a numbing, excruciating, artistically bankrupt motion picture. Above all, it's a movie which mistakenly believes viewers will want to like these characters... But we end up hating them instead. And why not? They're mean-spirited, irrational and obnoxiously unlikeable. Even before they begin bitching and scheming, they still come across as superficial twits no-one would like to spend time with, let alone marry! By the time the third act is reached and the treasured/feared wedding day arrives, the screenplay sidesteps all the countless possible endings in order to present a copout conclusion that fails to satisfy on every conceivable level, and replaces the attempts at gags with attempts at sympathy for these detestable characters. For the most part, the grooms are forgotten throughout the movie, but are occasionally allotted screen-time in which they try to offer commonsensical advice before being inevitably shot down. Furthermore, this reviewer found the male positions far more rational and credible than those espoused by their brides-to-be.

Anne Hathaway does fare better than Kate Hudson (who looks distractingly odd throughout the entire movie), but neither are able to make their characters remotely endearing. One can't help but wonder how much longer Hudson will remain a viable leading lady given the string of indefensible comedies she has starred in over the last several years.
At the helm of Bride Wars is Gary Winick (Charlotte's Web, 13 Going on 30), who aggravates the flaws with a generic style punctuated by terrible decisions. The director operates on chick-flick autopilot here (much like the actors), assuming shots of Hudson with blue hair will trigger laughs, and that dialogue about Vera Wang wedding gowns will be sufficient to win over female viewers. Meanwhile the one-liners are strictly in PG territory, which means they're neutered to the point that they're uninteresting. There are also attempts at physical comedy that never comes close to triggering an outbreak of laughter. Furthermore, the movie tries to balance the all-out bitch-fest with a moralistic parable about the value of friendship. But in the end, it fails to satisfy. Everything about this film, from the gags to the messages to the cutesy last scene, feels numbingly obvious.

The problem is not that the characters are shallow and mean. The problem is not that they allow their own selfishness to control their behaviour. In a well-crafted black comedy, these elements are pluses. But Bride Wars is not a black comedy, nor is it well-crafted or clever or remotely enjoyable. Instead, it's so mean-spirited and so lacking in humour that the film cannot be recommend to anybody I don't feel like torturing.

0.5/10

Bad Alien: "I come in peace."
Jack Caine: "But you go in pieces, asshole."

Not to be confused with the Jessica Alba-starring television show of the same name, Dark Angel is a solid fast-paced actioner with an emphasis on science fiction. Given that this is an extremely derivative buddy cop sci-fi film featuring elements of everything from The Hidden to Lethal Weapon, and boasts wooden muscleman Dolph Lundgren as the primary acting talent, this movie is not as bad as it had every right to be. The script is gloriously campy and the film has an eagerness to be an unashamedly ridiculous affair, which promotes Dark Angel by several notches. Not to mention it's also refreshing to stumble upon a sci-fi movie so lacking in pretension and so deeply committed to doing one thing: being downright entertaining.

Lundgren plays dedicated maverick police detective Jack Caine. An intimidating alien drug dealer (Hues) travels to Earth with the intention of forcibly extracting the endorphins from human brains because it's a highly prized and valuable drug on his home planet. Needless to say, it's up to Jack to stop this fucker. During his investigation (so to speak) he receives both assistance and hindrances from strictly by-the-book FBI Agent Harwood Smith (Benben).

If a rapid pace complementing stylish visuals, glorious explosions, fun car chases, groovy kills, several shootouts and a few mano-a-mano fights are to your liking, you're in for a fun time with Dark Angel. If that isn't enough for you, there's also some nifty gadgetry thrown in for good measure (the alien carries a badass, incredibly powerful handgun, and there's another alien weapon which shoots CDs!). If you're a cynical movie-watcher seeking brilliant drama, go watch Gone with the Wind - you have absolutely no business experiencing this fun ride. If it's a violent shoot-'em-up cheese sandwich you're craving, however, then look no further - this is the right Deli. Former stuntman and stunt co-ordinator Craig R. Baxley (who made his directorial debut with 1988's Action Jackson) has crafted a lively, full-steam-ahead action film packed with enough stimulating set-pieces and explosions to appease action enthusiasts. Screenwriters Jonathan Tydor and Leonard Maas Jr. also pack the gimmicky premise with enough tongue-in-cheek humour to indicate that the filmmakers never intended for this film to be taken seriously. Another thing - Dark Angel is blessed with witty one-liners that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud.

And what of Dolph Lundgren, asks yee? The well-built Swedish tank (who first made an impression in Hollywood when he starred in Sylvester Stallone's Rocky IV) has repeatedly proven that he is a dreadful thespian, but (similar to other action heroes) he's still a watchable and endearing protagonist. Co-starring alongside Lundgren is Brian Benben as the whiney FBI agent. It's a great partnership; one which, in the vein of all classic team-ups, starts off hostile and despondent, but soon develops into a strong camaraderie (the type we'd expect from Danny Glover and Mel Gibson). These characters are coupled with Betsy Brantley as the token female, and Matthias Hues as the central villain. Interestingly, Hues had to perform all of his own stunts because no stunt doubles could match his monstrous size.

Dark Angel (which was annoyingly retitled I Come in Peace in the United States, presumably to avoid confusion with the TV series) proudly stands alongside Commando and The Punisher '89 as a genuinely awesome piece of enjoyable action film cheese. It's the hilarious zenith for movies in which big humanlike aliens visit Earth, and pissed off rogues must put an end to the alien's massacring ways. Not a lot can be said in the film's defence as a serious movie since it's incredibly simplistic, utterly predictable and clichéd, but it can easily be defended as a completely unpretentious, all-in-good-fun guilty pleasure.

6.8/10

"You lied to me General!"

The real star of Red Scorpion (an '80s action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka) is the glistening, muscle-bound torso of actor Dolph Lundgren. Whenever the action ceases for a period of time, this element becomes the film's primary visual focus. And since the Dolphster is perpetually stone-faced and only occasionally speaks to issue clichéd commands in a hesitant monotone, his heaving chest manages to convey more emotion than his inarticulate lips. While this is more or less a given considering that the 1980s was a period of Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Red Scorpion is a comparatively subpar effort for one simple reason: lack of quality action.

In the film, Lundgren portrays a Spetsnaz (that is, an excellent Soviet agent trained in undercover work) named Nikolai Rachenko who's assigned to infiltrate and squelch a force of African rebels. While he manages to crash their stronghold, he fails to kill their leader - and his failure enrages his superiors. Having been discarded by his allies, Nikolai unexpectedly sides with the rebels; wishing to put an end to the killing and repressing of the African people. In essence, the movie concerns Nikolai's struggle with his orders. At first he is an unwavering soldier who does precisely what he's told, but he soon develops a growing resistance to his orders before finally becoming outright disgusted about the Soviet and Cuban oppression in Africa. It's worth noting that the title is derived from the scorpion that's carved into Lundgren's bountiful chest (he earns the nickname Red Scorpion, in case you didn't figure that out for yourself).

Red Scorpion is essentially a poorly-veiled knock-off of the Rambo movies (specifically the sequels), with the fictional Mombaka standing in for Afghanistan or Vietnam. Nikolai is basically John Rambo with a Russian accent, with Lundgren seemingly impersonating the trained killing machine. As directed by Joseph Zito (who orchestrated a bunch of Chuck Norris-inflicted carnage with Missing in Action), Red Scorpion proceeds with the logic of an adventure comic; playing out like a Saturday morning cartoon masquerading as a live-action feature film. Helicopters and tanks blow up everything in sight and many expendable soldiers do a lot of shooting, often to the musical accompaniment of Little Richard hits. Unfortunately, we've seen it all done before (from the desert landscape to the truck chase to the swooping helicopters), and we've seen it all done better as well. We've seen the muscles, too (the only difference is the faces).

'80s action films are generally recognised for dishing up massive amounts of action and gratuitous violence. Unfortunately, Red Scorpion suffers from a fatal flaw - it tries to say something relevant about the world events of the time at the expense of brainless action. If done properly, drama and seriousness in the context of an action movie can work, but a great deal of this movie is dull and uninteresting (outside of the action, that is). A lot of the runtime is devoted to the Dolphster (at his most buffest) strolling around the desert as he begins to develop a conscience. Where's all the action? The love interest? Red Scorpion contains too much preaching and moralising to satisfy in the same way the Rambo movies did. But at least the action, however limited it is, entertains to no end. Zito crafts a number of chaotic, exciting (yet still daft) shootouts. The final battle in particular is a humdinger.

Considering the budget and target audience, Red Scorpion pretty much achieves its modest goals. Draggy patches notwithstanding, this is an entertaining action movie featuring Dolph Lundgren at the peak of his physical form along with a healthy dosage of one-liners. In the end, however, the film offers nothing new, and the twist of making the hero a Russian is hardly enough to extend the film's appeal beyond the audience of hardcore action fans or loyal Dolph Lundgren followers. If you do not fall into any of the abovementioned categories, give it a miss.

5.0/10

Mere months after Predator hit cinemas in mid-1987, action superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger was back in action for The Running Man. Loosely based on the novel by Stephen King (under the pseudonym of Richard Bachman), this is a fast-paced, futuristic action film which satirises television, greed, social injustice, and America's preoccupation with violence and game shows. Furthermore, it's chock-full of '80s goodness: bad hair, worse clothing, and abundant neon. On this note, The Running Man is one of the most definitive Arnie movies of its decade - it contains requisite violence, bad puns, cheesy one-liners, hammy acting and, of course, the star's signature catchphrase, "I'll be back." Although dated in some respects, there is an irresistible, goofy quality to The Running Man which keeps it enjoyable and fun in 2020.

In the year 2019, the global economy has collapsed, and America is a military-controlled police state which dictatorially controls television, movies, art, books and communication. The most popular thing on TV is a lurid game show called The Running Man, which features convicted criminals fighting for their freedom by facing a rogues gallery of heavily-armoured 'stalkers.' These gladiatorial confrontations occur in decrepit L.A. city streets while an enthusiastic studio audience watches the live broadcast. Schwarzenegger plays Ben Richards, a government pilot who's wrongfully framed for the mass murder of innocent civilians protesting for food. The sleazy host of The Running Man, Damon Killian (Richard Dawson), blackmails Richards into volunteering for the show, and the chase is on. But as Richards begins to fight back, and survives far longer than any previous contestant, he rapidly develops into something of a national hero. "Hey, Killian. I'll be back," Richards states before being launched into the arena. "Only in a rerun," is the host's response. Yeah, right...

In adapting the novel, screenwriter Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) respects the source material while simultaneously forging his own path, with the finished film only vaguely resembling King's literary work. Primarily designed as a star vehicle for Arnie, The Running Man showcases the Austrian Oak fighting his way through a variety of gaudy combatants, who carry chainsaws and flamethrowers, and have names like Buzzsaw, Fireball, Dynamo and Subzero. Similar to Commando, de Souza also supports Schwarzenegger with a gutsy female side-kick/love interest (played by María Conchita Alonso) and ample macho one-liners. The script satirises contemporary TV trends, particularly in relation to the way that the government and corporations placate the oppressed masses through mindless, escapist mass media. Other satirical elements also raise laughs, such as Richards getting a court-appointed theatrical agent after his arrest. This social commentary is not fully-formed, nor is it revolutionary, but it does give the mayhem a bit more gravitas than your usual Arnie fare. Just do not expect something as thought-provoking as Network or The Truman Show.

Despite the thoughtful themes, The Running Man is a predictably silly movie. It is baffling, for instance, that the cameras recording the titular game show capture the action from implausible cinematic angles - the show cuts between close-ups and wide shots, yet no cameramen are ever visible. Furthermore, there is no explanation for the existence of footage showing Richards in the helicopter when he is framed. But these points are minor and not overly niggling, since this is a big dumb Arnie movie, and suspension of disbelief is a requirement. It is interesting, however, that The Running Man managed to mock this brand of reality/game shows before they started in earnest. After all, the titular program is merely Survivor with weapons, and the short-lived TV show Manhunt in 2001 involved contestants being pursued by bounty hunters with paintball guns. The Running Man's premise also inspired action films like The Condemned and Gamer.

The dystopic vision of Los Angeles here takes inspiration from the likes of Blade Runner and Escape From New York, and the special effects are convincing enough considering the movie's age. Nevertheless, aspects of the production are terribly dated, such as the laughable technology - bulky CRT TVs, audio cassette tapes, low-grade computer graphics, and computers which amount to DOS terminals. And, of course, '80s fashion trends are all over the screen, with kitschy leotards and ridiculous hairstyles. The synth/electronica score by Harold Faltermeyer does show its age, and some awful '80s pop garbage pollutes the soundtrack as well, but there is an inherent charm to all of these elements which makes The Running Man so entertaining. Director Paul Michael Glaser (best known for playing Starsky in TV's Starsky and Hutch) capably stages the action sequences with requisite energy, though this is not a uniquely stylish sci-fi feature. Nevertheless, the pacing is quick, the action is comprehensible, and the film is violent as hell, which is all that matters in the realm of Schwarzenegger vehicles.

The Running Man is a grab-bag of sensationally corny Arnie one-liners, as the Oak always has something sly to say before or after killing somebody. He is not a great actor, and there is some unintentional hilarity to the dramatic moments (see the opening in the helicopter), but the bodybuilding behemoth delivers one-liners with gusto, and has charisma to spare. Also of note is Richard Dawson, the long-time host of Family Feud, who emanates malice and charm as the movie's primary villain. Indeed, his real-life game show experience renders him perfect for the role of The Running Man's smarmy host. Surprisingly, despite his terrific work here, this was Dawson's last appearance in a big-screen feature film. Meanwhile, colourful performers fill out the supporting cast, with Arnie's Predator co-star Jesse Ventura even appearing as one of the fan-favourite stalkers. The actors are all effective, though none of the performances are exactly awards-worthy.

All things considered, The Running Man is a mid-tier Schwarzenegger vehicle, which is unable to reach the heights of The Terminator or Predator. Although satire does supplement the action scenes, the film does not have any pretensions about being more than what it is: an overblown, cheesy, fun-as-hell comic-book-style action movie with a side order of black comedy. There is some appalling dialogue, it's formulaic/predictable as hell, and the ending seems rushed, but it's always an entertaining watch. As long as you appreciate '80s cheese, and can accept that is not sophisticated sci-fi, The Running Man is great, goofy fun, and worth 100 minutes of your time. All the greatest science fiction movies stand the test of time, and The Running Man manages to do so - it works even better in 2020 than it did back in 1987.

"I give up. This whole thing's very Russian."

By the time Red Heat was released, Arnold Schwarzenegger was already a well-established Hollywood star, and the mismatched buddy cop flick had become a popular action subgenre. And at the helm of Red Heat is none other than Walter Hill, who practically invented the buddy cop genre with his 1982 hit 48 Hrs. (which he directed and co-scripted). In spite of the ostensibly genius pairing of Arnie and James Belushi, this is just a standard genre film with violent action, a dash of cheesy one-liners, a generic police movie storyline, and nothing truly groundbreaking. Apart from a few changes, the plot is extremely similar to 48 Hrs. - right down to the hackneyed "outsider must prove himself" plot element.

The Schwarzenegger role in Red Heat is Russian policeman Captain Ivan Danko. After witnessing the death of his partner at the hands of drug boss Viktor Rostavili (O'Ross), Danko is sent to Chicago where Rostavili is waiting to be extradited. Upon his arrival in America he's assigned two LAPD escorts, and develops a rocky friendship with detective Art Ridzik (Belushi). But the routine extradition turns into a bloody mess as Rostavili escapes and Ridzik's partner ends up in the morgue. With the dangerous Rostavili on the streets, Ridzik and Danko must overcome their mutual distrust and cultural differences in order to bring him to justice.

In case you haven't already guessed, there aren't many surprises in store and the plot is both thin and familiar. Throughout the course of the proceedings, Ridzik and Danko become fast friends. The bond develops partly because Rostavili killed both men's partners, and also because they're men - they share the same ideology. Once the hunt for Rostavili begins, the film offers nothing but a solid chain of action. While it's endowed with an abundance of exciting set-pieces, Red Heat is unable to rank as one of the best of its genre simply because it's quite undistinguished, and the merger of action and comedy fails to gel. It certainly delivers action, but the comedy is virtually non-existent.

Red Heat is one of a string of '80s movies produced by Mario Kassar and Andrew Vajna for Carolco Pictures, and those familiar with their other efforts (the Rambo and Terminator movies) can expect the same "feel" - that is, the action is violent and gritty, it's adamantly old-school, and it's very watchable. Director Walter Hill has crafted some terrific action sequences for which he deserves high praise. The final showdown in particular (which contains Arnie playing chicken against Rostavili with buses) is wonderfully over-the-top. Red Heat is also the first movie to be filmed in Moscow's Red Square - the filmmakers failed to obtain a permit, so they dropped in for a one-day shoot with a camera, the required cast members and two crew members.

As we all should know, Arnold Schwarzenegger has never landed a role based on amazing acting abilities. In fact, if there's an actor who's picked on extensively for lack of talent, it's the prestigious Governator. Awful Russian accent aside, he's perfectly suited to the character of Ivan Danko - it's the role of an emotionless Russian officer with broken English; giving Schwarzenegger the chance to submit another of his brilliant physical performances. Then there are the action sequences - Arnie nails them all. Sure, he brings nothing new to the table, but Arnie is Arnie, none more so than throughout the late '80s. What you see is exactly what you get, and what you get is a rock-solid action performance from a rock solid action professional.

Belushi hasn't been mentioned yet, and that's for a good reason. As previously mentioned, while Red Heat is a perfectly serviceable and enjoyable switch-your-brain-off actioner, the comedy is generally flat (a few notable one-liners notwithstanding). The pairing of Schwarzenegger and Belushi (which echoes the Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte partnership in 48 Hrs.) doesn't amount to much - it's without a necessary comic spark. Whenever the film focuses on the relationship between Danko and Ridzik, the pacing drags. To round out the cast there's the enormously appealing Peter Boyle (R.I.P.) as the police commander (whenever he raises his voice, it's impossible not to get images of Everybody Loves Raymond), the lovely Gina Gershon as the damsel in distress, the menacing Ed O'Ross as Rostavili, and a young Laurence Fishburne who makes a brief appearance as Ridzik's superior officer.

Red Heat (which arrived 3 years after Sylvester Stallone gave the almighty Soviet Union a bloody nose in Rocky IV) works as a superficially entertaining action-thriller. It doesn't deliver a great deal of comedy (an ingredient that could have ensured this film a place in the buddy movie hall of fame), but what it does deliver is a bunch of pulse-pounding action set-pieces. This is a must-see for Arnie's most devoted fans.

5.9/10

"Do you want to take it to Fucktown Lahey? Cause that's where this is headed: Downtown Fucktown!"

The enormous popularity and strong cult following of the brilliant Canadian vérité-style TV show Trailer Park Boys ensured a feature-length motion picture would eventually materialise - and it has arrived in the form of the gleefully crass and unapologetically non-PC Trailer Park Boys: The Movie. While this film doesn't necessary jive with some of the continuity established in the long-running television show, it's easily forgivable since the humour is in the same vein and the characters are still their usual selves.

For those who require a little context, Trailer Park Boys chronicles the get rich quick schemes of Ricky (Wells), Julian (Tremblay) and Bubbles (Smith); three inhabitants of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park in Nova Scotia. Ricky is the loser of the group who lives in his car, drinks liquor out of cat dishes and is a small-time pot farmer. Julian is the smart one who is unable to succeed due to Ricky's sheer idiocy. The strange bespectacled Bubbles cares for stray kittens and makes money by stealing shopping carts, fixing them, and selling them back to the mall. The trio are also accompanied by their sidekicks Cory (Bowles) and Trevor (Jackson), who aim to please Ricky no matter how much trouble he gives them. The trailer park is watched over in Gestapo-like fashion by alcoholic former police officer Jim Lahey (Dunsworth) and his perpetually shirtless, hamburger-eating, former male prostitute right hand man Randy (Roach). A few new faces are introduced in the film too, such as Hugh Dillon as the owner of a local gentlemen's club, and Nichole Hiltz playing a dancer who has eyes for Julian.

Towards the beginning of the movie, Ricky and Julian are at the tail end of a gaol sentence. They're let out early because Ricky is skilled at hockey, and the guards believe that getting rid of him will help their chances in the hockey tournament. Back in Sunnyvale Trailer Park, the boys (now reunited with Bubbles and the rest of their companions) begin to plot a way to earn a living. They begin contemplating what comes to be known as "the big dirty"; a heist that will allow the boys to retire from their life of crime forever. When it occurs to Julian that coins are untraceable and aren't as prosecutable as notes, the gang attempt to rob a few parking meters, which ultimately leads to the theft of a giant change container at a local cinema. Meanwhile, the everlastingly drunk Mr. Lahey tries to get the trio evicted.

Prison, car homes, theft, perpetual drinking, weed, skanks and shambolic cat accommodation decorate this fly-on-the-wall tale of these trailer park lowlifes. As absurd and off-putting as it is to follow the lives of proud hobos, the clandestine wit combined with a certain base humour will quickly ensnare tentative viewers. From the get-go, the protagonists say and do undeniably stupid things, but manage to come up with brilliant scams to get themselves out of trouble. While jokes and situations from the original show are recycled here, it all fits. After all, each episode of the TV show concerned the boy's latest scheme or latest dilemma - this just follows that tradition. Like all TV-show-to-movie conversions, this just feels like an extended episode. But considering the unhinged fun on offer, who really gives a shite?

The Trailer Park Boys big screen debut is a success no matter how you look at it. The gags are very funny, and contain the right mix of sweetness, natural warmth and crassness. The television series always maintained a sense of humanity and heart (otherwise the show would just seem like a showcase of unpleasant characters who trade verbal jabs for the hell of it), and this is thankfully retained for Trailer Park Boys: The Movie. Better, the characters are never degraded or glorified. Meanwhile the excessive profanity in addition to the drug and alcohol-laced humour works extraordinary well because the characters are all developed nicely, and this type of comedy suits their personalities. The laughs never feel forced; instead, they all seem to be a natural extension of the film's key players. Ricky, for instance, never finished school, drinks excessively and gets stoned frequently, and therefore the way he mucks up words and swears a lot feels appropriate. The only noticeable flaw is that the film drags from the 60-minute mark until about the 80-minute mark. In all likelihood, this is a side effect of being accustomed to viewing the show in 30-minute episodes, or it could be a side effect of laughing so damn hard for the first hour.

Like the TV show, a mockumentary style has been employed, meaning there are to-camera asides and extensive use of handheld camera. The movie was lensed on gritty 16mm film, which lends itself well to the documentary aesthetic. Trailer Park Boys: The Movie is not a visually impressive film at all, but it doesn't need to be or aspire to be - it's more concerned with pace and comedic timing. Stylistically, the only deviation from the television show is the fact that the testimonials have been cut down considerably, and the camera crew are not actual characters. Interestingly, while fans of the TV series will appreciate this movie much movie, it's still an enjoyable watch for the uninitiated (though they'd probably find the movie funnier the second time around).

The entire cast is wonderfully committed and appear to be having one hell of a fun time. As Ricky, Rob Wells has an overripe Elvis handsomeness (with a gut to match) as well as a hysterical single-mindedness in his determination to do two things: get back to gaol to win an important hockey tournament, and return to his former life of domestic bliss when he grew & sold weed. John Paul Tremblay plays Julian with a terrific deadpan comic persona, and is NEVER seen without a glass of rum & coke. Meanwhile Mike Smith's performance as Bubbles is endearing and downright hilarious. His semi-autistic shtick fits the character perfectly. Lucy Decoutere is winning as Ricky's ecdysiastically enthusiastic love interest, as is Lydia Lawson-Baird as Ricky's pre-teen daughter Trinity. It would take all day to list the rest of the brilliant cast members, so it'd be easier to sum them all up - they all embody their characters perfectly, and carry out their duties superbly.

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie has received largely dismissive reviews, but as far as caper films go, this one is perfectly serviceable and highly enjoyable. It's unpretentious and eager to please.

7.7/10

"Can you put a price on your dreams?"

To begin this review on a clichéd but nonetheless justified note, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (the latest motion picture of Terry Gilliam - best known as a piece of the Monty Python puzzle) has been saddled with an unreasonable burden. The fact that this movie features the final acting performance of the late Heath Ledger (who passed away during filming) will likely throw audiences and critics off the scent. Audiences viewing this movie on account of Ledger (or Johnny Depp, who is given a brief cameo appearance) will walk away disappointed - The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is not a Heath Ledger film; it's a Terry Gilliam picture, meaning that it's a true oddity of a movie as opposed to a mainstream fantasy fare. Gilliam is a filmmaker recognised for creating peculiar cinematic flights of fancy with strange scenarios and trippy dream-like sequences (he was behind Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Brazil, 12 Monkeys, etc), so for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus the filmmaker has cooked up an elaborate, fantastical tale of travelling theatre performances, the afflictions of mortality, and a portal (flimsily disguised as a mirror) that ushers you into a world of your dreams.

The titular Dr. Parnassus (Plummer) is a centuries-old showman who travels around contemporary London in a rickety horse-drawn carriage with a troupe of performers resembling a medieval pantomime. Their performance centres on a magic mirror, through which audiences can enter a surreal world that projects their innermost desires. From there, they are faced with a choice: succumb to their baser, more cowardly wishes, or opt to follow their more noble side. But little do Parnassus' actors know that he made a deal with the devil: in exchange for eternal life, Parnassus agrees to give the devil (played by Waits) his first child on her 16th birthday. And that birthday is fast approaching...

Terry Gilliam, it would seem, is a cursed filmmaker - he has suffered some horrendously bad luck during most of his projects. Brazil was recut by Universal, The Man Who Killed Don Quixote was shut down completely after being beset with problems, and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen was dumped by Columbia. When Ledger died in January 2008, it was all too familiar. Gilliam's response to the tragedy was admirable - since the film is split into two worlds, fantasy and reality, and the footage featuring Ledger constituted the "real world" sequences, Gilliam was able to retool the script and hire three additional actors to play Tony (Ledger's character) in the fantasy sections: Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell (all of whom donated their pay to Ledger's daughter). The explanation behind the different appearances of Tony is that in the imaginary world, he becomes a projection of his own, and other people's desires. It's a seamless solution to a terrible setback, and the film as a whole comes across as remarkably cohesive.

A speech delivered by Johnny Depp at one stage appears to pay direct tribute to Ledger - Depp stands beside a river as miniature boats float by which display images of celebrities who died young (like James Dean and Rudolph Valentino). He eulogises them as never growing old or ugly, and explains that they'll survive as "gods" in the mind of the public.
Unlike Ledger's scene-stealing turn in The Dark Knight, his character in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is more low-key, though he's still captivating and full of energy. However Gilliam's film is not exactly the most fitting end to Ledger's career - it's not that he isn't good, but that this is an ensemble piece and he's no more interesting than anyone else around him (he only receives top billing out of sheer courtesy). In fact, there's no sign of Ledger for half an hour until the inescapably morbid sequence when he's found hanging under a bridge. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell submit perfectly adequate work as the alternative appearances of Tony. To their credit, they all manage to embody the character and it's easy to accept the adjustment (especially if one remembers that in dreams, people often look like somebody else).

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was scripted by Gilliam and Charles McKeown (who worked together previously for Brazil and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen). In many ways, this is a typical Gilliam film - from the style (the use of hallucinatory imagery) to the very Gilliam-esque theme that there's redemption to be found in imagination and dreaming. For this venture, the writer-director is given the limitless capabilities of CGI. Gilliam has produced sumptuous imagery using more old-school effects, and therefore the finest computer-generated moments of this movie are utterly dazzling. The melding together of modern London urbanscapes with the ancient production design of the Parnassus carriage and the CGI wonderlands beyond the mirror is a spectacle of the highest regard.

The fantasyland bursts with pure strangeness; allowing Gilliam the freedom to be his usual self. In fact, there are numerous sequences which feel like old Monty Python animations that have been enhanced with contemporary CGI. Unfortunately, though, for all the extravagant imagery, the film lacks characters to genuinely care about or relate to. A key problem also emerges during the middle section when the emotional core fades and nothing close to a satisfying or workable story emerges. Gilliam may have an eye for enthralling imagery, but he also has a tin ear for dialogue - the characters spout some pretty dull lines from time to time. While some have criticised the story as messy, one simply needs to pay attention - it's a perfectly straightforward narrative presented in an admirably unconventional and unpredictable fashion, and it asks an audience to draw their own conclusions. There's no problem with a movie that asks an audience to engage their brain.

Terry Gilliam remains a fascinating moviemaker with the ability to amaze. Happily, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is a spellbinding dosage of classic Gilliam. To lose a leading actor partway through production and have the creative intelligence required to retool the narrative in a way that still makes sense is a testament to Gilliam's artistic tenacity that makes his work so interesting.

7.9/10

"Good luck to you, you Godless murderers. "

Based on the novel by Daniel Carney, The Wild Geese is a classic British action-adventure movie which follows the tried-and-true formula successfully mined in such films as The Dirty Dozen and The Guns of Navarone. It's a remarkable combination of male bonding, military stereotypes, detailed briefings, last-minute snafus, double-crosses and (above all) epic, violent shootouts. Yet this venture is also inherently British, and it's all the better for it.

The plotline is your usual men-on-a-mission tale with a few extra twists. High-powered banker Edward Matherson (Granger) hires a faded mercenary named Allan Faulkner (Burton) to assemble a band of mercenaries to execute an assignment in Africa. Their mission is to rescue imprisoned former African leader Julius Limbani (Ntshona) who's critically ill and due for execution. After the recruits endure a bout of boot camp training, they're dropped into the bush. The mercs are able to pull off their mission without a hitch at first, but then things get ugly...

While the brilliance of The Wild Geese is partly attributable to the high action quotient, the strong characterisations are perhaps the film's most enduring element. In the same vein as The Dirty Dozen, the film takes its time with the characters - prior to the action, an enjoyable collection of scenes are provided which depict the soldiers on their home turf as the determinedly over-the-top Faulkner assembles his team. Reginald Rose's screenplay cleverly varies the motivations of the mercenaries; some are in it to support their high living, while others are aging soldiers seeking one final great adventure. Some believe in the cause, while others simply need the cash to pay rent. This character development capably elicits sympathy for what would otherwise be a pretty unscrupulous bunch of mercenaries. The pace rapidly picks up once the squad are shipped to Africa for training. Tension builds inexorably as the fastidiously laid out plans begin to work far too smoothly. From there, the film alternates between daft but engaging action sequences, and scenes of heavy exposition. Smartly, the script doesn't ignore or condone the inherent moral contradictions of mercenary life. The characters are given the chance to discuss, criticise and defend their chosen profession (and, in one case, racism).

The direction by Andrew V. McLaglen is brilliantly taut; the film only occasionally bogs during the 130-minute runtime. Once The Wild Geese shifts into its third act, the action sequences are frequent and fantastic. Despite the fact that this actioner was made in the 1970s, it manages to rival action set-pieces in contemporary military pictures. Certainly, the gore factor isn't astronomical (à la Saving Private Ryan) but a lot of blood is spilt and the body count is phenomenal. With the assistance of John Glen, McLaglen has created skilful set-pieces; from the tense covert infiltration to the full scale battles. This builds up to the excellent climactic action scene that transcends the conventions of the genre with its gritty nature and the lack of mercy shown towards the film's most amiable characters. All of this is accompanied by the appropriately militaristic themes conjured up by the film's composer Roy Budd. The score suits the movie perfectly during the exciting gunfights, as well as the more emotional moments when subtler cues are employed.

Several of Roger Moore's colleagues (from the James Bond films he starred in) also worked on The Wild Geese: Maurice Binder designed the title sequence, Bob Simmons had a hand in the stunts, Syd Cain took care of production design, and the aforementioned John Glen was both editor and second unit director. The cinematic techniques can be perceived as dated, but at the time they were fairly cutting-edge, and this should be respected. Besides, the filmmaking is not dated to the point that it's distracting. Alas, there are a few problems with this movie - some sloppy dialogue, an overlong runtime, a few contrived endangerment scenarios, and a sense of predictability & unoriginality that can't be eluded throughout the second half.

Another great joy of The Wild Geese is witnessing so many fine British & Irish stars and character actors gathered together in one film. Three acting giants of British cinema took the lead roles here. Heading the list is Richard Burton as the cynical Colonel Faulkner. Expectedly, Burton is superb; dominating the screen at all times and attacking dialogue with great gusto. Richard Harris as Rafar Janders is equally exceptional; he's a remarkable counterpoint to the apparent immorality of Burton's Faulkner, and he's the emotional core of the film. Completing the trio is none other than Sir Roger Moore as Shawn Flynn. Back in 1978, Moore was in the midst of his seven-film run as James Bond, but the actor wisely brings Flynn to life with a much harder edge (as evident with the character's introduction - Flynn forces a drug kingpin to eat heroin laced with strychnine at gunpoint). German actor Hardy Krüger is another fitting addition to the Wild Geese roster in the pivotal role of South African Lt. Pieter Coetze. He submits a remarkable performance.

Interestingly, there's a key indicator of this being a '70s film - the almost complete lack of woman; something which probably would not be allowed by head office in the 21st Century. The top-billed actress of this movie is Rosalind Lloyd (producer Euan Lloyd's daughter) in a two-scene role as a croupier in love with Shawn Flynn.

The Wild Geese is a classic slice of '70s action-adventure, with a cast of UK movie legends, some memorable dialogue and a plethora of spectacular action set-pieces. When you're in the mood for a high-calibre, top-notch Brit action film, you can't do better than this. As the saying goes; "They don't make 'em like this anymore!"

7.8/10

"I wanna go home..."

Speaking from a thematic perspective, Moon is the sci-fi masterpiece that The Island could have been had Michael Bay not opted to turn it into a brainless action extravaganza. In many ways, Moon (the directorial debut of Duncan Jones - otherwise known as David Bowie's son) is an affectionate throwback to an age of classic, cerebral sci-fi motion pictures (such as 2001: A Space Odyssey and Blade Runner); it's invested in areas of storytelling patience and hefty psychological investigation rarely explored in an era of Star Trek and Transformers. It's instead a simple story rich in ideas that explores several areas familiar to sci-fi fans: the concept of artificial intelligence, where bioethics is heading, and whether prolonged isolation can cause psychosis.

Moon kicks off with an advertisement for Lunar Industries: Earth's #1 provider of clean energy. This energy comes in the form of a radioactive isotope which is mined on the moon. Sam Bell (Rockwell) is the sole employee at the company's base on the dark side of the moon where he is responsible for supervision and routine maintenance of the mining equipment. As the film opens, Sam is nearing the end of his three-year contract. Due to a mechanical failure, there is no direct link between the lunar station and Earth; Sam can only send and receive recorded messages in order to communicate with his wife, daughter and bosses. An intelligent computer called GERTY (voiced by Spacey) provides Sam's only form of direct communication. But with only very little human interaction, and all of it indirect, he feels that three years is far too long to be isolated. Soon enough, Sam makes a series of discoveries that alter his understanding of his job, his life, the universe, and everything.

The less said about the meatier parts of the plot, the better. Without divulging spoilers, Moon eventually transforms into a morality tale that questions the notion of what's real and what isn't; what it means to be alive and what it means to be human. These questions propel the film towards an unsettling third act which suggests what might happen to humankind if certain technologies were fuelled by corporate greed. More importantly, as the questions pile up, the tension slowly and methodically builds...even after Sam unearths his most shocking discovery. Like Sam, a viewer will spend most of the latter half of Moon attempting to figure out what exactly is going on.

Moon exhibits a lucid influence by Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the nods are both frequent and uncamouflaged. Certain shots recall 2001, there's an effects sequence set to a piece of classical music, and there's the computer GERTY; a virtual clone of HAL (the nuances and intonations of Kevin Spacey's vocal performance even seem visibly influenced by Douglas Rain's voicework for 2001). For emotions, GERTY displays a smiley face that turns into a frowny face or even a crying face every so often, like the cheapest special effect the filmmakers could conceive of. But it works - and this is one of the many examples of the filmmakers' ability to make the most of their meagre budget. To create a science fiction movie with only $5 million would be difficult, yet Jones pulls it off with aplomb. Moon doesn't feature groundbreaking CGI, but it nevertheless remains enthralling from a visual standpoint. An incredibly believable lunar landscape has been constructed - and when the action shifts to the surface of the moon, there's a flawless blend of practical effects and subtle CGI. Sam's living quarters possess a familiar futuristic design that's bestowed with a realistic, lived-in quality almost foreign to this brand of sci-fi (notice, for instance, how filthy GERTY is, and that the areas Sam inhabits seem worn). Sedate camerawork courtesy of cinematographer Gary Shaw as well as Clint Mansell's transcendent, utterly haunting piano score also compound the sense of unearthly isolation.

Director Duncan Jones (formerly known as Zowie Bowie - yeah, I'd have changed my name too) has previously directed commercials. This is his first feature film and it's a promising one. For a film debut, Moon is a surprisingly ambitious effort since sci-fi is a route rarely taken by neophyte directors tackling projects without a huge budget or studio backing. By addressing intimate subject matter and keeping the film's setting mostly within the confines of the moon-base, however, Jones is freed from a majority of the warped conventions that typically define mainstream science fiction. Moon is not Star Wars-inspired space opera; it is provocative, intelligent stuff that takes the elements of "science" in science fiction seriously. If there's a flaw, it's that the film wants to say more than it has time to. In a 90-minute timeframe, the film attempts to make comments about corporate greed, the human mind, the consciousness of technology and other human advances which can't be discussed without heading into Spoiler Land. While these notes are hit well, the film tends to hit them too fast, leaving an audience to contemplate and realise it all only after they've finished watching it. Important plot points are revealed in the blink of an eye as well, and while you attempt to put it all together, the story progresses on-screen.

A terrific performance submitted by Sam Rockwell keeps a viewer caring throughout the narrative. Because there are virtually no other human characters in the film, much of the success of Moon rested solely on the shoulders of Rockwell. And it works! Rockwell (a character actor who has featured in such recent films as The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Matchstick Men, but has not yet managed to break through into genuine Hollywood stardom) deserves to be an Oscar contender given the weight of the material he manages to nail here - the actor delivers an affecting and credible portrayal of a loner who yearns for home, with later plot developments allowing him to show different facets of the role. Not only does Rockwell keep an audience rapt (much like Tom Hanks did for much of Cast Away), but he also puts a human face on some hefty themes.

While Moon begins like a hodgepodge of various other sci-fi flicks, director Jones and screenwriter Nathan Parker are able to breathe new life into these familiar elements; creating something unique, fresh, mesmerising and exhilarating. The conclusion is perhaps a bit too tidy, but it gives the story a sense of narrative resolution while also suggesting that larger issues are a long way from being resolved.

Moon is truly a contemporary horror movie which eschews a wearisome slasher mentality to explore the nature of identity and the perversion of human life through scientific advances and corporate skulduggery. It asks proper, stimulating questions without being cold, aloof, pretentious or even remotely boring. And it works as all the best sci-fi does - by employing special effects to complement a genuine, thought-provoking human narrative. It's not that there's anything wrong with escapist entertainment like Star Trek, but Moon is closer to the expectations of die-hards when they hear the term "sci-fi". It's very different from glossy sci-fi blockbusters - and far more satisfying.

8.8/10

"She says the jungle... it just came alive and took him."

For a time during the 1980s, Arnold Schwarzenegger ruled Hollywood. He was the ultimate action hero, and it did not matter that he was a one-dimensional actor who favoured snappy one-liners and blood-soaked action over Oscar-worthy dialogue and profound emotion. From Conan the Barbarian to The Terminator and Commando, the iconic "Ah-nuld" was a force of star power to be reckoned with, and movie-goers flocked to his movies in droves. 1987's Predator is the perfect '80s movie, amalgamating the decade's three most popular genres: action-adventure, horror, and science fiction - and it is a Schwarzenegger flick to boot. These ingredients form this entertaining brew of violent action, over-the-top macho posturing and ridiculously quotable dialogue, and it is all set at a breakneck pace. Predator arguably remains the manliest movie in existence.

At its most basic narrative level, Predator is a standard men-on-a-mission movie like The Wild Geese or The Dirty Dozen, but with added horror and sci-fi flourishes. Dutch Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his battle-hardened squad of elite commandos accept a mission from the CIA to rescue a group of political hostages from guerrillas in the remote jungles of Central America. The assignment seems simple enough, but shortly after rappelling into enemy territory, Dutch and his team feel something is not quite right. Not only have they been set up by the CIA, who actually want them to recover military intelligence, but there is also something lurking in the jungle...an extraterrestrial, technologically advanced creature watching their every move. As the men make their way to the extraction point, the mysterious Predator begins targeting them one by one.

The fact that the Predator never gives a reason for its presence on Earth makes its hunting game far more ruthless. Moreover, this creature has no voice, and the men cannot reason with it - it is a hunter, pure and simple, and it slaughters the commandos for sport. Unsurprisingly, since screenwriters Jim and John Thomas wanted to cross Rocky with E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, the movie eventually boils down to a mano-a-mano standoff between Schwarzenegger and the Predator, with the stakes becoming equal when Dutch discovers a way to appear invisible to his opponent's thermal imaging vision. At this point, Predator announces its affinity for all things primal as Dutch reaches deep inside himself and becomes a primordial warrior stripped of all guns, equipment, and armour. The battle between Dutch and the Predator is exhilarating, with a palpable sense of danger seldom felt in a regular Arnie movie. The superstar is more vulnerable while fighting this strong, otherworldly entity, creating tension since it is unclear whether or not Dutch can survive.

Predator was director John McTiernan's second feature film after 1987's mediocre Nomads, and the directorial craftsmanship here is extraordinary. McTiernan is renowned for generating tension and suspense using confined locations (see Die Hard), and he uses the steamy jungle to terrific effect throughout Predator. His direction is claustrophobic and assured, confidently staging amazing action while building robust tension and atmosphere. McTiernan varies the action, starting strong with a sensationally violent assault on a guerilla camp before the commandos try in vain to go up against the Predator with an array of weaponry. Additionally, the jungle plays a crucial part in the proceedings, becoming a character in and of itself, and the cinematography by Donald McAlpine marvellously captures the dense, perilous locations. With McTiernan and the crew filming Predator in a real jungle instead of a soundstage, everything feels more authentic and tangible. Then there is the Predator itself. Despite being little more than a man in a suit that bleeds highlighter ink, it is a marvellous creation engineered by effects maestro Stan Winston (with some design input from James Cameron). Played by Kevin Peter Hall (who stands an imposing 7'2"), the Predator is an unnerving combination of insect, reptile and professional wrestler. Naturally, not all the special effects stand up to this day, but even the phoney-looking shots are still serviceable instead of distracting.

A huge part of what makes Predator such a top-shelf action flick is that it never stops charging ahead. No sprawling back-stories, rambling chunks of exposition or gratuitous narrative distractions ever bog down the uncomplicated plot. However, it is easy to become invested in what occurs because Dutch and his commandos have a hell of a lot of personality, and the screenplay allows the characters to flourish and light up the screen. The lulls in the action are always filled with something: mistrust, pig-sticking, pussy jokes, the nagging sense that something is not quite right, intense character interaction, and more. As a result, the pace never has the chance to drag. On top of this, Predator is one of the most quotable films in history, on pair with Arnie's Commando - "If it bleeds, we can kill it"; "Get to the choppaaaah!"; "I ain't got time to bleed"; "You're one ugly motherfucker"...the list could keep going, but you get the idea.

Predator features several large and in-charge actors, with Schwarzenegger leading the pack. Arnie may not be Hollywood's greatest thespian, but at the peak of his career, he certainly knew how to entertain an audience. Interestingly, the film features another actor who went on to serve as a Governor - Jesse Ventura, who plays the larger-than-life Blain, carrying a massive Minigun known as "Old Painless." Meanwhile, two of the most macho African American performers of the 1980s also feature in Predator - Bill Duke as Mac and Carl Weathers (a.k.a. Apollo Creed) as Dillon, one of Dutch's old friends who now works for the CIA. As Billy, the expert tracker, Sonny Landham's casting came with one condition: he must always have a bodyguard with him...not to protect Sonny, but to protect everyone around the actor since he was prone to starting bar fights. That trivia fact reveals pretty much everything you need to know about the badass Landham. Rounding out the cast is the endearing Elpidia Carrillo as a surviving guerilla named Anna, while Richard Chaves and Shane Black play other members of Dutch's unit. Predator was Black's acting debut, and it was right as he was becoming famous as a Hollywood screenwriter. Indeed, Black penned Lethal Weapon, and he spent his free time on the Predator set writing his screenplay for 1991's The Last Boy Scout.

With its thrilling, high-octane mix of Rambo and Aliens, Predator is a masterpiece in every sense of the word, delivering plenty of energetic action and enough testosterone and machismo to float an entire island of elephants. It is cheesy as hell, of course, and the visual effects are slightly dated, but it is also entertaining and cool as hell, with tonnes of quotable lines and an utterly unforgettable villain. Predator is an action-adventure movie with something for everyone, and it is a seminal jewel in Arnie's esteemed career.

10/10