Reviews by PvtCaboose91

Creating an enjoyable Christmas comedy must be one of the most difficult things to achieve in Hollywood, because the late-year appearance of a good one in cinemas is about as rare as a White Christmas in Australia. 2004's Surviving Christmas is another such failed endeavour. The release date was closer to Halloween than Christmas, which gives one indication that DreamWorks did not anticipate the movie ever becoming a beloved Christmas classic. Moreover, the fact it hit cinemas around the time of Halloween also indicates the truly horrifying quality of this motion picture. How bad is it, asks yee? As bad as Jingle All the Way? Or the granddaddy of them all, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians? Forget about these. Surviving Christmas is the new champion; a sure-fire contender for the worst Christmas movie of all time. It's an offensive, unfunny, uncomfortable lump of coal masquerading as a charming stocking-stuffer. It feels like the work of the Grinch.

The plot concerns highly paid executive Drew Latham (Affleck) who lives an empty, shallow life with only wealth on his side. He's dumped by his girlfriend (Morrison) a few days before Christmas, and is faced with the prospect of spending the holiday alone. So he does what any mentally unbalanced, wealthy yuppie would do - he heads back to his childhood home to relive his old Christmas memories, and offers $250,000 to the new inhabitants of the house to be his family for Christmas.

Of course, earning this $250,000 requires complete and utter humiliation on the part of the witless family. Drew forces them to do all kinds of kooky things - Tom must don a Santa hat, they must install a gaudy Christmas tree which would light up the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and read a script that Drew has written! At no point are these situations even close to funny, however...they're just uncomfortable. This concept alone sounds dreadful for a holiday comedy, but the writers (all four of them - apparently it took four paid professionals to write this tripe) don't stop there. They also manage to pile on every conceivable bad idea and moronic punchline into 90 minutes of holiday hell. A game can be had in guessing not which predictable plot points will surface, but when. For instance we're given no warning before Drew suddenly becomes a nice guy and the family suddenly likes him. Crap like this just pops up, with characters changing for no discernible reason other than to help move the plot along. Surviving Christmas is simply a train wreck from start to finish. It's so inept that one must wonder why anybody agreed to take part in it (maybe the fact that a great deal of the film was improvised and shooting started without a completed script had something to do with this).

The inconsistent tone is another lethal flaw. Surviving Christmas can't decide whether it wants to be a black comedy, a fluffy family sitcom, or a dumb farce. Elements of all three are thrown in, and the film bounces between them like a schizophrenic bunny rabbit, to the point that you're almost dizzy from trying to follow the plot. This comes back to the four credited screenwriters, not all of whom were on the same page it seems. There are times when the film seems to set itself up in the mould of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but it fails amazingly. The film isn't even close to Christmas Vacation in terms of humour or inventiveness.

The jokes are usually oversold, idiotic, and predictable. For instance the family's teenage son spends all day in his room downloading internet porn (the PG-13 kind, mind you). This idea is merely included to set up a scene in which he stumbles upon a sexy (yet still PG-13) photo of his mother, and teaches the family's hired grandpa to browse for internet porn. There's an early scene during the opening credits that shows an old lady trying to kill herself in a moment of black comedy that fits no-where with the rest of the movie in story or tone. Also included is a joke about how Sonny Bono died. Ah, good times. Eventually Drew's former girlfriend pops up as the ending approaches, which means everyone has to pass themselves off as his actual family (as seen in 50,000 bad sitcoms). Oh, and Drew succeeds in romancing the girl who had been passed off as his sister earlier in the movie. A trio of characters witness them making out, and are unaware of their actual status as non-relatives. Two of these characters proclaim "Oh my God!", after which another character chimes in with "He's kissing his sister!". That's called Explaining The Joke To The Morons Who Didn't Get It, Because We Don't Trust Our Audience To Get Even The Most Obvious Of Lame Gags. A huge collection of classic Christmas songs are sprinkled in among the dialogue too (including Judy Garland's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas), and they're so badly misused that their sentimental value may be rubbed out forever.

Before appearing in Surviving Christmas, Ben Affleck appeared in such movies as Daredevil, Gigli, Paycheck and Jersey Girl. It's hard to call Affleck a professional actor after this string of bad movies. Throughout most of Surviving Christmas, he looks completely uninterested. Indeed, the snowman on the front lawn exudes more warmth and charisma than Affleck, whose incessant overacting renders him unbearable. This film is also so bad that even superb actors like James Gandolfini, Christina Applegate and Catherine O'Hara wind up looking stunned.

Surviving Christmas landed on DVD a mere eight weeks after its theatrical premiere. The last major movie to receive this short turnaround time was From Justin to Kelly. How's that for an indicator of quality? Despite all the talent involved, this abysmal motion picture fails to raise so much as a smile, let alone laughs and Christmas cheer. Surviving Christmas was the first of three high-profile Christmas movies that headed to cinemas in late 2004. The other two (The Polar Express and Christmas with the Kranks) also ended up hitting my "Worst Christmas in History" list. Is it possible to make good Christmas movies anymore? One should substitute the word "Christmas" in the title with "This Movie", and perceive it as a challenge.

1.5/10

Christmas is a time of many traditions. There's the tree and the decorations, as well as the cookies, the chocolates and the fruitcake. And, of course, there's the time-honoured annual tradition of Hollywood churning out a new Christmas movie every year in the hope that someday it will become a cherished holiday classic (and because it's easy money). Thus, Hollywood begat 2007's Fred Claus. The gimmick of this particular Christmas fare is that Santa Claus has a brother - and while Santa is steadfastly nice, his brother is naughty. The film explores the well-trod "Scrooge" territory by presenting a bah-humbug type who turns his life around by learning the true spirit of Christmas. One cannot complain about the sincerity of the message, but the idea is far too hackneyed and predictable. Fred Claus features a plot that can be foreseen from beginning to end.

Logically, the protagonist of the movie is the titular Fred Claus (Vaughn) who has lived almost his entire life in the intimidating shadow of his brother Santa (Giamatti). Ever since the birth of Saint Nicholas (when he first speaks the words that are nowadays more associated with skanky women), Fred has been unable to live up to the example set by his little brother. Jump ahead many years, and Fred is a fast-talking, genial but self-centred man living in Chicago. Desperate for a $50,000 loan in order to fulfil his dream of owning a business, Fred has no other choice than to turn to his estranged brother as Christmas fast approaches. Nick agrees to loan Fred the money, but under the condition that Fred travels to the North Pole to lend a hand. It's bad timing for Nick to invite his loose cannon of a brother, though, as an expert has been sent in to monitor the operation at the North Pole and decide if it should be shut down.

Many questions come to mind during Fred Claus, particularly in relation to the mythology of Santa which gets muddled when Clyde (Spacey) enters the film. He alleges that "The Board" is threatening to shut Santa down due to financial difficulties. Who on Earth is this board, and who could possibly have the authority to treat Santa like this? Since when is Santa Claus a funded operation? This is the trouble with adapting such a long-running fantasy myth - it's all well and good to explore Santa and his world, but magic is lost if it's over-explained. Additional questions also spring to mind - why make Fred the older brother when it would've made far more sense from virtually every angle if he had been the younger brother instead? It's made clear from the outset that Santa and his family are all immortal, so if Santa loses his job, does that also mean he loses his magical ability to repress aging? Outside of Santa and his immediate family, why is there another full-sized human acting as a project coordinator - is she an overgrown elf or did she just happen to stumble upon an unlikely Help Wanted ad?

Fred Claus is yet another Christmas-themed comedy that dares acknowledge the true meaning of Christmas: forcibly spending time with people you hate. This concept has resulted in more bad films (Surviving Christmas) than quality ones (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation), so the screenwriters (Jessie Nelson and Dan Fogelman) at least deserve credit for attempting a spin on the genre. It's a pity their inspiration ends there. Despite everyone involved and despite the promise of something fresh, Fred Claus adheres to the cookie-cutter format of family entertainment much like Rudolph on his delivery run.

For a full two hours (two fucking hours), Fred Claus aimlessly stumbles about, alternating between unintentional laughs (Spacey's character has a Superman fixation) and obvious jokes and pratfalls. The movie offers scenes with Fred sleeping in a much-too-small elf bed, Santa and Fred engaging in a snowball fight, and Fred not enjoying his journey to the North Pole as a first class passenger on Santa's sleigh. There's also a subplot involving an elf (Higgins) who's in love with Santa's good-looking assistant (Banks). It detracts from the Fred/Santa dynamic, and merely adds too many gruelling minutes onto the two-hour runtime. Eventually melodrama is thrown in, too, as highlighted by Fred's sappy relationship with a troubled neighbourhood kid. The artificiality of the emotions displayed here are staggering.

Look, Fred Claus isn't a complete disaster since there are flickers of brilliance here and there (like a Sibling Support group scene that boasts cameos from Frank Stallone, Roger Clinton and Stephen Baldwin) and it's occasionally watchable (mainly on account of the delightful soundtrack), but it has more flaws than pleasures. To be fair, the second half is more serviceable than the excruciating first half (which is so boring one can literally hear the gears of the formula grinding into place).

After Will Ferrell's success in the wonderful Elf, Vince Vaughn seemed like a natural successor in the "Christmas movies that adults can enjoy as well" category. But here's the problem: Ferrell's lovable man-child persona translated well to the genre, whereas Vaughn's wisecracking smartass shtick is flat in child-friendly territory. Most of all, Vaughn (who is ideally suited for sidekicks and secondary parts) sputters in a lead role - he's more annoying than sympathetic. When a trio of elves take down Fred, it's tough to prevent oneself from clapping. Vince Vaughn's comedic skills are clearly intended for better-written material.
Also worth mentioning is Paul Giamatti who pulls off a faithful portrayal of the jolly fat man, and is far more amiable and endearing than Vaughn. Kevin Spacey does a solid job as Clyde, while Elizabeth Banks is condemned to suffer the indignity of a one-note character. Oh, and Rachel Weisz has never sounded so incredibly Pommy...

Fred Claus is a fun idea for a movie, but the script sorely needed several more revisions before the cameras began to roll. There are plenty of Christmas movies already out there, and Fred Claus adds nothing new or worthwhile to this stale genre. It's not an entirely bad movie, but it's a decidedly bland one. At least it's better than all those abominable Tim Allen Christmas flicks...

4.5/10

A 75-minute charmer of a motion picture that transcends age, Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas should be part of every household's annual Christmas traditions. Everything that movie-goers expect from Burton's fantastical imagination is presented here in stop-motion form: it's bursting with visual majesty, populated with lovably morbid characters, and filled with charming Danny Elfman compositions. It's an enduring holiday classic that bears the esteemed title of the first feature-length stop-motion animation picture, bringing the age-old technique into the mainstream and paving the way for other stop-motion gems like Chicken Run and James and the Giant Peach. An iconic cult classic that continues to captivate audiences year after year, 1993's The Nightmare Before Christmas captures the distinct Christmas flavour and perfectly blends it with the maudlin imagination of childhood.

The story is based on a simple premise: each main holiday season has a town (Easter Town, Christmas Time, Halloween Town, etc.), and none of these towns knows of each other or their respective festivities. Jack Skellington (voiced by Danny Elfman and Chris Sarandon), known as the "Pumpkin King," resides in Halloween Town, but upon completion of the same old annual Halloween routine for the umpteenth time, he grows bored and disillusioned about his own holiday, finding it unfulfilling. After Halloween night, Jack strolls into the woods and stumbles upon a door leading to Christmas Town, with its cheerful atmosphere and bright colours. Jack is so taken by the concept of Christmas that he takes it upon himself to take over Santa's duties for the year, bringing the idea to Halloween Town to share with his fellow townsfolk.

Following a brisk prologue by Patrick Stewart, the film's imaginative world is established in the first big song, This is Halloween, which efficiently introduces Halloween Town in an energetic, sumptuous musical feast for the senses. The Nightmare Before Christmas contains some of the most ornately detailed and expertly captured shots in the history of stop-motion and of the animation medium as a whole. There's so much eloquence to the film's visual "voice," and each frame is so rich with an almost immeasurable amount of creativity that there's always something eye-catching to keep your interest. Burton's shooting schedule for 1992's Batman Returns conflicted with the long, arduous three-year production for The Nightmare Before Christmas, so he hired stop-motion veteran Henry Selick to oversee directorial duties. Burton may have receded to producer status, but every frame resonates with that distinctive Burton sensibility. As one watches the film and marvels at the visual splendour, one can't help but admire the extraordinary, painstaking way Selick and his team bring Burton's eccentric vision to life.

As it turns out, holiday commercialism is to thank for this film's existence. The Nightmare Before Christmas started as a poem by Burton in 1982, inspired by the sight of a store replacing their Halloween display with Christmas merchandise. The jarring contrast between Halloween and Christmas was all it took to motivate Burton to write the tale of Halloween Town and Christmas Town; two phantasmagorical towns characterised by different colour schemes, attitudes and iconography. (Funnily enough, this movie's iconography is now synonymous with Halloween and is exploited annually during the spooky season.) The Nightmare Before Christmas also showcases one of Burton's primary visual influences: German expressionism. The dark, foreboding sets, high-contrast lighting, and stark angles harken back to German films of the silent era, such as Nosferatu, Metropolis and The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Scripted by regular Burton collaborator Caroline Thompson (Edward Scissorhands), The Nightmare Before Christmas is vehemently a musical, telling most of its story through songs. As this is a Tim Burton movie, frequent collaborator Danny Elfman provides the songs and background music, and he performs as Jack Skellington's singing voice. The music and visuals of The Nightmare Before Christmas are inseparable, with both contributing tremendous flavour to the production. Elfman's first-rate compositions support the visuals in grand style, whether it's a tender moment, a celebratory scene, or a frightening sequence. Fortunately, the songs are both memorable and catchy, and you will likely find yourself singing along to the likes of This is Halloween or Making Christmas. Elfman's singing voice is immaculate for Jack, and you would never guess that Chris Sarandon voices the Pumpkin King during the non-musical dialogue scenes. Another well-achieved role is Catherine O'Hara's honest and sweet Sally, a Frankenstein's monster-like doll who was stitched together by her domineering creator and who yearns to escape from captivity. She serves as Jack's love interest and has a bad feeling about taking over Christmas, and she shows the most human of emotion in Halloween Town.

Parents wondering if The Nightmare Before Christmas is suitable for their children should know that the frightening aspects of the picture are nicely blunted by the tender humour and Elfman's lovely music. Jack Skellington is not the frightful bag of bones that one would assume him to be - he's just a misunderstood hero who's as innately human as any live-action character. There are so many enchanting sights and sounds to behold within this wonderful film that there's not enough room for anxiety and fright. In short, The Nightmare Before Christmas is a delightful holiday romp with something to offer everyone. For the children, it's a fantasy that celebrates two exciting holidays. For adolescents and adults, it's an opportunity to experience good, hearty entertainment while marvelling at the achievements of this team of animators at the top of their game.

9.3/10

At its most basic level, Battle Royale is a combination of Lord of the Flies and The Running Man; utilising the time-worn concept of a group of people who are conscripted, equipped with weapons and forced to kill or be killed until only one contestant remains. It's an idea which dates back to the days of the Roman empire, and has become so beloved by filmmakers that it has been employed for various movies of various genres (from historical epic to futuristic fantasy).

Kinji Fukasaku's Battle Royale (aka Batoru rowaiaru) offers a new twist on this premise. The story is set in the near future when the economy of Japan is on the verge of collapse. Unemployment rates are up, children are boycotting school, and juvenile delinquency is at an all-time high. Fed up with the unruly and disobedient student population, the Japanese government passes the Battle Royale act. In accordance with this act, a school class is selected at random every year and shipped to a remote island to play the game. The rules are simple, as explained on a video by an exuberant Japanese girl: the contest lasts 3 days, and each student has been fitted with an explosive tracking collar that will explode if removed, or if they stray into a "danger zone", or if there's more than one contestant left standing after the 3 days. Each contestant is provided with a bag containing food, water, a compass, a map and a random weapon. Logically, the film focuses on a particular class of teens who are kidnapped and forced to participate. Friendship, love and pacifism all fall by the wayside as the students are presented with the choice of kill or be killed.

One of the greatest strengths of Battle Royale is the realistic portrayal of the adolescent characters who, when placed in a life-threatening situation, still obsess over unrequited love and are unable to let go of their old attachments. The characters serve as a microcosm of any high school class - there's the fat kid, the shy kid, the misfit, the clique of girls, the techno geeks, the young lovers, the kid with a secret, etc - and they all react in varying ways. Some immediately go on a killing rampage (either out of fear or because they are innate assassins). Meanwhile some take the weekend as an opportunity to dish out some payback, and have no scruples about killing those who've bullied them. The protagonists of the film, on the other hand, decide to stick together and avoid killing if possible. Added into the mix are two recent transfer students, who naturally turn out to be the biggest badasses of the bunch. Each death is documented on-screen like a scorecard during a sport event; providing the deceased player's number and name, along with the number of students remaining. However the Battle Royale Act concept is flawed, mainly because there are no spectators. No-one is filming or watching the action, so what's the point of being so elaborate?

Battle Royale is based on the popular novel of the same name by Koushun Takami, and acts as a terrific allegory about the Japanese school system. Japan is well known for its Study-Work-and-Die ethics with rigorous demands within the education and business system. Battle Royale takes this climate and amplifies it, placing the children in a far more desperate situation than working to receive an A-Plus. The targets of satire are numerous, such as the cruel over-expectations of achievements at school (as previously mentioned), as well as the Japanese obsession with authority and obedience, and the obsession with violent anime. The film's soundtrack (largely consisting of booming classical music) affords an epic, Kubrickian scale to the proceedings. However there's one considerable flaw with Battle Royale: the dialogue borders on banal. For instance, there's the overused cliché of characters pledging their undying love to a classmate right before kicking the bucket without a sound or a gurgle...

Veteran director Kinji Fukasaku was 70 years old when he crafted this fine motion picture. Fukasaku previously directed the Japanese scenes in Tora, Tora, Tora on top of a number of Sonny Chiba films, and the rough and tumble series The Yakuza Papers. Battle Royale is proof the director still had a deft hand in the late years of his career. While the violence is over-the-top in its amusing cartoonishness, it's also viscerally disturbing. After all, the only thing more unsettling than watching adolescents die is watching them kill each other. The bar for Battle Royale is set early into the runtime; pulling no punches and keeping the violence coming in a steady flurry. There are two key things that set this film apart from other blood-drenched action offerings: the girls are offed as badly as the boys (action films generally reserve the most horrific death scenes for the males), and the characters are undeniably girls and boys. While Hollywood films try to pass off 30-year-old actors as teenagers, the performers in Battle Royale actually look like adolescents.

Chief among the film's most compelling moments is the closing credits. As the final theme music plays, we are shown a black & white school photograph of the class which has just fought to the death. The various faces of the doomed contestants are focused on; providing a subtle but powerful reminder that these characters weren't mere statistics for an entertaining bloodbath, but in fact normal children who should have had their entire lives ahead of them. This gives the movie a crowning, humanistic touch.

To date, Battle Royale has never received an official U.S. release, but it has become a deserved cult classic on DVD, and the Japanese Academy nominated the film for seven awards (including Best Picture). Quentin Tarantino is an enormous fan of the movie as well (even labelling it as his favourite film released since 1992), and paid tribute by casting Chiaki Kuriyama in Kill Bill: Vol 1. With the great production values, a savvy script and gut-wrenching action sequences that'll leave you in a state of breathless disbelief, Battle Royale is a terrific release, though repeated viewings may highlight the lack of substantial depth.

8.2/10

From time to time, it's great to witness a high quality piece of Oscar-worthy celluloid. But in the world of modern cinema, there are films which exist as slim excuses to subject an audience to a mindless barrage of action set-pieces which defy the laws of logic and nature. When handled correctly, there's nothing wrong with this type of action film. Happily, 2009's The Tournament is an example of a brainless actioner done right. It's no true surprise that this movie was relegated to a straight-to-DVD release, but it nevertheless works as an effortlessly enjoyable 95 minutes of solid entertainment.

The storyline appears to closely resemble The Condemned, which itself was just a version of Battle Royale and The Running Man. Basically, every seven years an event known as "The Tournament" takes place. For this tournament, thirty elite assassins battle it out in a random, unsuspecting town (putting unknowing residents in the crossfire), and the last assassin left alive receives a cash prize along with a prestigious title. Cover stories about terrorist attacks and gas explosions are prepared to keep the tournament a secret to the civilian population. This time 'round, the assassins converge on the town of Middlesbrough, Great Britain (you know, that town which has been voted the worst place to live in the UK). Filling out the roster this year are an assortment of hit-men who use everything from sniper rifles to their own bare hands to bazookas. Complicating the situation is drunk, faithless priest Father Macavoy (Carlyle) who finds himself caught up in the deadly game.

Overseeing the mayhem is a congregation of shady billionaires (is there any other kind?) who watch the entire tournament on a wall of monitors and place wagers on the players. Of course, the entire town of Middlesbrough is wired up with HD video cameras that are part of some network, and two ultra smart computer hackers (who live off Red Bull and talk like they're from a Diablo Cody film) have hacked into the system in order to allow the gambling billionaires to see which contestant is winning. As a side note, it's a mystery as to why this film was written to include 30 assassins locked in combat when almost half of them are dispatched via a standard movie montage. Wouldn't it be easier to just cut down the amount of players?

The Tournament hits the ground running; truly living up to its non-stop action premise. Naturally, there are countless plot holes within the movie which any screenwriter with two brain cells should have been able to close up with ease. For instance, sensors are implanted into every assassin so that they can be tracked, and so the computers can keep up with those who've died. These sensors work on body heat and switch off whenever someone is killed, despite the fact the body actually stays warm for a while after death. Wouldn't it make more sense for the trackers to be paired to a person's pulse? One of the assassins also manages to easily cut out their sensor too, so why doesn't everyone else follow suit? Shouldn't there be a far more effective brand of tracker? Besides, a great assassin shouldn't need the prize money, so why enter a contest with such slim odds of survival? On top of this, the characters have absolutely no depth - they feel like they've been put together using cardboard found in a recycling bin, and they possess no traits to distinguish them from generic clichés one might find straight out of a video game (there's the psychotic shotgun-wielding Texan, a hulking bearded Russian, the Parkour-enhanced French assassin, and so on).

Okay, now that it has been established that The Tournament is illogical, implausible, stupid and shallow...how's the action? It's great you asked, because the action is very goddamn sweet, and the movie as a whole is fun and satisfying. It rises above most others of its ilk due to the fact that it features practically no CGI; affording a grittier, more organic feel. All the action (from the fantastic stunts to the high-octane car crashes to the exciting Parkour) was done for real, and many of the stars performed their own stunts. Director Scott Mann also cleverly intercuts security camera footage into the proceedings (both as part of the action and as part of the television news reporting on the "terrorist incidents" happening throughout Middlesbrough). Furthermore, the acting is actually halfway decent. Robert Carlyle brings great immediacy and intensity to his role, while Ving Rhames is enjoyably badass, and Ian Somerhalder appears to be having a ball. Kelly Hu is nothing but a pretty face, but at least it's a still a pretty face.

Filming for The Tournament initially began in 2007 (in Bulgaria, which has become the go-to place for filmmakers on constricted budgets making straight-to-DVD fodder), but unfortunately the production soon ran out of money. It took so long for the filmmakers to regain financing that the movie had to be re-cast, and filming had to start from scratch. It's good that director Scott Mann stuck to his guns (excuse the pun), because his persistence has resulted in an excellent homage to the Hong Kong actioners of yore. Delivering as much in the action quotient as it skimps in the intelligence quotient, this is not a film meant to be scrutinised for any longer than it takes for the carnage to register in your brain. Take it for what it is.

6.5/10

The idiots responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie should be abducted and forced to watch Black Dynamite so they can see how a good spoof movie is done! While recent spoofs have focused on mimicking familiar film scenes or ripping off celebrities with the idiocy of a 10-year-old boy, Black Dynamite is a nostalgic throwback that simultaneously recreates and celebrates the trademarks of the 1970s blaxploitation genre - the jive pimps in garish outfits, the evil politicians, a funky R&B soundtrack, and dialogue laced with expletives, peculiar slang and ethnic slurs. A gleefully harebrained spoof of all things Shaft and Superfly that plays straight-up stupid with vintage filmmaking aesthetics, this is one of the most consistently hilarious and creative spoofs since the days of Airplane! and its brethren.

Michael Jai White plays the titular character of Black Dynamite; a muscular badass with a lot of guns, an expertise in kung fu and a knack for getting women into bed (or anywhere else that suits him). An evil presence in the city has committed the ultimate crime: they've killed Black Dynamite's kid brother. Dynamite goes on a rampage, tearing up the streets to find the perpetrators. During his quest to serve up payback he also tries to keep kids safe from drugs and protect his bitches from harm. This all leads to the discovery of a terrifying conspiracy against black men.

In tradition with '70s-era blaxploitation films, the protagonist is a noble ass-kicker who spouts odd slang, is very popular with the females and can make villains quake at the very sight of him, whereas the proceedings are coated with a colourful sheen of tacky clothes, crazy cars and hilariously over-the-top fight sequences. Black Dynamite is certainly knowing in its spoofing, but it rarely winks at the audience to signal any sort of self-aware comfort. The film has a fantastic poker face; committing to an enjoyably silly routine of mockery and homage without being too conscious. On top of the high batting average for laughs, the action set-pieces are pretty awesome as well. And, much like all the greatest spoofs in history, one doesn't need a thorough knowledge of the genre being sent up in order to understand the jokes. This is a major asset for Black Dynamite, because, let's be honest, how many '70s blaxploitation flicks has the average person actually seen? In a sense, Black Dynamite is to blaxploitation what the Austin Powers films are to '60s spy flicks. Not many young comedy fans would be familiar with anything like In Like Flint, but that didn't prevent Austin Powers from becoming an extremely popular franchise.

Black Dynamite looks spot-on; as if it were an honest-to-goodness blaxploitation picture that has been sitting in a vault for over thirty years. '70s blaxploitation pictures were low-budget affairs often made without a great deal of technical skill, and Black Dynamite recreates this filmmaking incompetency with astonishing, hilarious accuracy. Director Sanders replicates everything from the colour scheme to the cheesy zoom-ins; from the one-dimensional performances to the obvious editing mistakes. Rather than taking the Grindhouse route of aging the picture in post-production, cinematographer Shawn Maurer filmed on Super-16 colour reversal stock, which generates a high-contrast, richly saturated image that's well-augmented by the excellent imitations of '70s-style clunky camerawork and awkward framing. The sets are an absolute hoot (particularly the wonderfully chintzy White House interiors used during the climax), and the mood is further sold by Adrian Younge's utterly perfect, playful score loaded with funny trills as well as "Dynamite!" vocal hits whenever the titular character enters the room or kicks some ass.

Michael Jai White is pitch-perfect as Black Dynamite; coming across as a credible hero so tough, well-meaning and proud in his embrace of black masculinity that one could easily imagine him being perceived as a point of pride back in the '70s. White manoeuvres through the ridiculous action sequences splendidly, using his extreme physicality to punch villains through walls and brandish phallic weapons convincingly. Similar to the wonderfully obtuse Leslie Nielson (who was a crucial component for the success of the Naked Gun! series), White carries the entire movie and wins you over easily through sheer force of straight-faced absurdity. And that's the key to a great spoof: the characters can never be in on the joke. Black Dynamite nails this perspective with a satisfying consistency, which is particularly laudable when the actor has to deal with the crew's low-budget incompetence (such as a hysterical boom mic joke).

The art of cinematic spoofing has become so degraded by the likes of Date Movie and Epic Movie that it may take several minutes to recognise Black Dynamite as part of this once-brilliant genre. Some may perceive this movie as a simplistic one-joke affair (because it kind of is), and the film does have trouble sustaining its raucous energy, but the solid laughs and inventiveness manage to compensate for the minor blunders.

8.3/10

In his book Apocalypse Movies: End of the World Cinema, author Kim Newman noted that "The more complicated a civilization becomes, the more fun it is to imagine the whole works going up in flames". Roland Emmerich has clearly taken Newman's words to heart, as his career has been built almost exclusively on disaster films; allowing movie-goers to vicariously experience the destruction of Earth via aliens in Independence Day, an atomic-spawned monstrosity in Godzilla and an ice age in The Day After Tomorrow. Why the obliteration of our world is so enjoyable in the eyes of the movie-going public is probably best left to theologians and psychologists, but Emmerich is visibly in tune with it and knows how to exploit it. And for his latest opus, 2012, the director has considerably upped the ante by imagining a true end-of-the-world scenario packed with an incredible assortment of catastrophic destruction. The film operates under the assumption that if we enjoyed seeing isolated mayhem in other disaster flicks, movie-goers will really love witnessing widespread global destruction. Thankfully, it works - this is awesome entertainment.

2012 plays with the theory of the Mayan calendar that the world will end on December 21, 2012. But by conducting a little research on this topic, one will find that there were several other calendars devised around the time of the Mayans, yet only one contained lithographs that appear to be a warning. The only thing scientists can agree on about this calendar is that it simply ends on the feared date before it begins again from zero. There's simply no evidence to suggest the apocalypse will be brought on - doomsayers are just always looking for the next possible date for Earth's destruction (wasn't the world meant to end in the year 2000?). However the Mayan theory is hardly mentioned in this film - it's just a selling point, as well as an excuse for the end of the world to be brought on. From there, the filmmakers have devised a few stabs at hard science that seem convincing on the surface but probably wouldn't pass muster in a high school science course. But all this justification is just smoke and mirrors, because the money is instead in the grandiosity of the disaster.

Speaking from a narrative perspective, 2012 adheres closely to the '70s-era Irwin Allen-style of disaster movies in which a broad array of characters are brought together because of a disaster. The representative Everyman here is divorced, fledging novelist Jackson Curtis, whose ex-wife Kate (Peet) is dating successful plastic surgeon Gordon (McCarthy). Jackson's kids even prefer Gordon over him (notice the clichés so far). As for the earnest professional who discovers the impending destruction of Earth, there's government geologist Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor). The science behind this apocalypse is simple: the Earth begins to heat up from within due to being pelted with intensifying radioactive particles from the sun, causing the planet's crust to break apart and shift. Cue the rollicking silliness. This includes plenty of conventional scenarios that have played out in films since 1980: the eleventh-hour miscalculation that results in the timer speeding up for the impending disaster, the noble daughter who outlives her father, the divorcee who falls back in love, and the character with two days of pilot training who is perfectly able to repeatedly fly everyone to safety.

Too many simultaneous plotlines have always been a key weakness of disaster movies, and 2012 is no different. At about 150 minutes, the length of this movie is indefensible. The script is an appalling concoction of cheesy expository dialogue, painful chunks of ham-fisted character development and blatant contrivances designed solely to bring the characters together and advance the plot. Adding insult to injury, the action doesn't start until about 45 minutes of the runtime have passed! Over-explaining the ludicrous science, unfortunately, results in both sheer boredom and a chance for the audience to mentally dissect the holes in the theory. Since this is meant to be a big Hollywood disaster movie, it's a considerable problem that it takes so long for the action to start. As a side note, the concept of destroying the world is a non-starter from a dramatic perspective. After all, if the story sticks to its guns and the planet is destroyed, it would end on a depressing note that denies viewers the climactic catharsis they'd be expecting. And if the film concludes on a happy note, the whole thing feels as if it was crafted by a studio system willing to sacrifice the integrity of the premise. Alas, the film ends with a tacked-on, embarrassingly saccharine-coated Hollywood ending.

Of course, the average movie-goer doesn't care about the characters or the script, which is good since both are flimsy in the case of 2012. The driving motivation for anyone to see this movie is the mayhem... And boy does Emmerich get that aspect right. As a film that delivers epic destruction, 2012 is unparalleled. Absolutely everything one could want in a disaster epic can be found in this film. Everything. There are earthquakes, volcanos, collapsing skyscrapers, tsunamis, capsized ocean liners, plane crashes, and more. Normal disaster movies kill thousands, while 2012 kills billions without breaking a sweat. The money shots are impeccably sold by the special effects crew who deliver vast images of doom with remarkable detail - the CGI is amazingly close to photorealism. There's some truly multiplex-rocking action to behold within this flick, such as the jaw-droppingly orchestrated and utterly gripping "California is going down" sequence. Reports of the budget for this film range from $200 million to $260 million, and no money went to waste. While plenty of action and a weak human element is a basis to hopelessly hate a movie, Emmerich has an advantage over films like the latest Transformers - he's a good filmmaker. Emmerich has sound knowledge of how to construct breathtaking imagery and action without resorting to a dozen camera edits in a matter of seconds or distracting shaky-cam. He allows his audience to actually watch the mayhem rather than opting for cinematic techniques that induce headaches.

The disaster sequences, while nail-biting, are also preposterous and far too Hollywood. As the destruction commences, Jackson and his family manage to outrace it all without a single hiccup. Later, the concept of outrunning a fireball is reduced to the level of a nursery school feat. The Hollywood-style split-second precision grows irritating rather quickly, with planes taking off at the exact moment the ground gives way. And when the protagonists arrive in Vegas, networks are still broadcasting on television...are the power grids unaffected by the chaos? More stupidity arises when the government commissions the construction of massive arks to save what is left of the human population: these structures are built extremely close to each other, so guess what will happen when all the flood waters rush in at extreme velocity? On top of all this nonsense, there's improbable cell phone reception, an awful Arnold Schwarzenegger vocal imitator, and surveillance cameras with unlikely range.

Is there any reason to care about the characters? Absolutely not - they are caricatures saddled with threadbare motivation and bad dialogue. The cast is more formidable than one might expect from a glorified B-movie, but the acting is still pretty below-par. Thus, 2012 only works when it immerses viewers in the epic action set-pieces rather than trying to develop characters or dole out exposition. It's a highly enjoyable, paint-by-numbers disaster movie that contains some absolutely breathtaking popcorn moments.

6.5/10

It's difficult to classify Bride Wars. It fails as a black comedy. It's not even remotely funny either, so it can't be considered a plain comedy either. As a satire of the bloated wedding industry, it also fails. As a drama about friendship and triumphing over all, it still fails. It'd probably be best to classify it as "an affront to God". Yeah, that works. Now, speaking in general, chick flicks can work if they are sharply written and amusing, but in the case of Bride Wars...RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! If a friend tries to force you into watching it with them, fake a coronary if you have to in order to get yourself out of there. Otherwise you'll be stuck watching the worst movie you've endured for a long time; yearning for a spare moment when you can commit suicide using the television remote or a nearby blunt object. Bride Wars is predictable, offensive and mundane, and entirely devoid of humour.

The film follows lifelong best friends Liv (Hudson) and Emma (Hathaway). Since they were little girls, the two have shared the same dream: a storybook wedding in June at New York's Plaza Hotel. Now in their mid-20s and engaged to nondescript men, the day has come to book the event at the desired venue. Through circumstances too sketchily explained to go into, both Liv and Emma are accidentally booked at the Plaza for the same day at the same time, and the next available slot is three years down the line. Neither of the women will relinquish their fantasy ceremony, so war is declared... And they have absolutely no problem tearing apart a friendship that has lasted so long.

Renowned critic Roger Ebert once coined the phrase "Idiot Plot" to describe the type of story that could be resolved if only the characters stopped being morons. Bride Wars spins off this notion to offer the "Jerk Plot", with a storyline that could be easily resolved if only the characters stopped being assholes. The women aren't willing to do a double wedding (the most logical option considering they are lifelong best friends), or do anything rational that might clear up the conundrum in 10 seconds. The set-up is just a flimsy excuse for a succession of lame revenge sequences, as the two women desperately try to sabotage each other's upcoming nuptials. This is where Bride Wars falls apart the most: the screenplay (courtesy of June Diane Raphael and Casey Wilson) is packed with the dumbest and least inventive schemes. The other problem is that the screenwriters never develop the nerve to create the dark, nasty comedy the movie should have been. The tricks are nasty, but not cruel enough to work as inspired black humour - most are on the level of a subpar Punk'd episode.

Bride Wars is ultimately a numbing, excruciating, artistically bankrupt motion picture. Above all, it's a movie which mistakenly believes viewers will want to like these characters... But we end up hating them instead. And why not? They're mean-spirited, irrational and obnoxiously unlikeable. Even before they begin bitching and scheming, they still come across as superficial twits no-one would like to spend time with, let alone marry! By the time the third act is reached and the treasured/feared wedding day arrives, the screenplay sidesteps all the countless possible endings in order to present a copout conclusion that fails to satisfy on every conceivable level, and replaces the attempts at gags with attempts at sympathy for these detestable characters. For the most part, the grooms are forgotten throughout the movie, but are occasionally allotted screen-time in which they try to offer commonsensical advice before being inevitably shot down. Furthermore, this reviewer found the male positions far more rational and credible than those espoused by their brides-to-be.

Anne Hathaway does fare better than Kate Hudson (who looks distractingly odd throughout the entire movie), but neither are able to make their characters remotely endearing. One can't help but wonder how much longer Hudson will remain a viable leading lady given the string of indefensible comedies she has starred in over the last several years.
At the helm of Bride Wars is Gary Winick (Charlotte's Web, 13 Going on 30), who aggravates the flaws with a generic style punctuated by terrible decisions. The director operates on chick-flick autopilot here (much like the actors), assuming shots of Hudson with blue hair will trigger laughs, and that dialogue about Vera Wang wedding gowns will be sufficient to win over female viewers. Meanwhile the one-liners are strictly in PG territory, which means they're neutered to the point that they're uninteresting. There are also attempts at physical comedy that never comes close to triggering an outbreak of laughter. Furthermore, the movie tries to balance the all-out bitch-fest with a moralistic parable about the value of friendship. But in the end, it fails to satisfy. Everything about this film, from the gags to the messages to the cutesy last scene, feels numbingly obvious.

The problem is not that the characters are shallow and mean. The problem is not that they allow their own selfishness to control their behaviour. In a well-crafted black comedy, these elements are pluses. But Bride Wars is not a black comedy, nor is it well-crafted or clever or remotely enjoyable. Instead, it's so mean-spirited and so lacking in humour that the film cannot be recommend to anybody I don't feel like torturing.

0.5/10

Not to be confused with the Jessica Alba-starring television show of the same name, Dark Angel is a solid fast-paced actioner with an emphasis on science fiction. Given that this is an extremely derivative buddy cop sci-fi film featuring elements of everything from The Hidden to Lethal Weapon, and boasts wooden muscleman Dolph Lundgren as the primary acting talent, this movie is not as bad as it had every right to be. The script is gloriously campy and the film has an eagerness to be an unashamedly ridiculous affair, which promotes Dark Angel by several notches. Not to mention it's also refreshing to stumble upon a sci-fi movie so lacking in pretension and so deeply committed to doing one thing: being downright entertaining.

Lundgren plays dedicated maverick police detective Jack Caine. An intimidating alien drug dealer (Hues) travels to Earth with the intention of forcibly extracting the endorphins from human brains because it's a highly prized and valuable drug on his home planet. Needless to say, it's up to Jack to stop this fucker. During his investigation (so to speak) he receives both assistance and hindrances from strictly by-the-book FBI Agent Harwood Smith (Benben).

If a rapid pace complementing stylish visuals, glorious explosions, fun car chases, groovy kills, several shootouts and a few mano-a-mano fights are to your liking, you're in for a fun time with Dark Angel. If that isn't enough for you, there's also some nifty gadgetry thrown in for good measure (the alien carries a badass, incredibly powerful handgun, and there's another alien weapon which shoots CDs!). If you're a cynical movie-watcher seeking brilliant drama, go watch Gone with the Wind - you have absolutely no business experiencing this fun ride. If it's a violent shoot-'em-up cheese sandwich you're craving, however, then look no further - this is the right Deli. Former stuntman and stunt co-ordinator Craig R. Baxley (who made his directorial debut with 1988's Action Jackson) has crafted a lively, full-steam-ahead action film packed with enough stimulating set-pieces and explosions to appease action enthusiasts. Screenwriters Jonathan Tydor and Leonard Maas Jr. also pack the gimmicky premise with enough tongue-in-cheek humour to indicate that the filmmakers never intended for this film to be taken seriously. Another thing - Dark Angel is blessed with witty one-liners that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud.

And what of Dolph Lundgren, asks yee? The well-built Swedish tank (who first made an impression in Hollywood when he starred in Sylvester Stallone's Rocky IV) has repeatedly proven that he is a dreadful thespian, but (similar to other action heroes) he's still a watchable and endearing protagonist. Co-starring alongside Lundgren is Brian Benben as the whiney FBI agent. It's a great partnership; one which, in the vein of all classic team-ups, starts off hostile and despondent, but soon develops into a strong camaraderie (the type we'd expect from Danny Glover and Mel Gibson). These characters are coupled with Betsy Brantley as the token female, and Matthias Hues as the central villain. Interestingly, Hues had to perform all of his own stunts because no stunt doubles could match his monstrous size.

Dark Angel (which was annoyingly retitled I Come in Peace in the United States, presumably to avoid confusion with the TV series) proudly stands alongside Commando and The Punisher '89 as a genuinely awesome piece of enjoyable action film cheese. It's the hilarious zenith for movies in which big humanlike aliens visit Earth, and pissed off rogues must put an end to the alien's massacring ways. Not a lot can be said in the film's defence as a serious movie since it's incredibly simplistic, utterly predictable and clichéd, but it can easily be defended as a completely unpretentious, all-in-good-fun guilty pleasure.

6.8/10

The real star of Red Scorpion (an '80s action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka) is the glistening, muscle-bound torso of actor Dolph Lundgren. Whenever the action ceases for a period of time, this element becomes the film's primary visual focus. And since the Dolphster is perpetually stone-faced and only occasionally speaks to issue clichéd commands in a hesitant monotone, his heaving chest manages to convey more emotion than his inarticulate lips. While this is more or less a given considering that the 1980s was a period of Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Red Scorpion is a comparatively subpar effort for one simple reason: lack of quality action.

In the film, Lundgren portrays a Spetsnaz (that is, an excellent Soviet agent trained in undercover work) named Nikolai Rachenko who's assigned to infiltrate and squelch a force of African rebels. While he manages to crash their stronghold, he fails to kill their leader - and his failure enrages his superiors. Having been discarded by his allies, Nikolai unexpectedly sides with the rebels; wishing to put an end to the killing and repressing of the African people. In essence, the movie concerns Nikolai's struggle with his orders. At first he is an unwavering soldier who does precisely what he's told, but he soon develops a growing resistance to his orders before finally becoming outright disgusted about the Soviet and Cuban oppression in Africa. It's worth noting that the title is derived from the scorpion that's carved into Lundgren's bountiful chest (he earns the nickname Red Scorpion, in case you didn't figure that out for yourself).

Red Scorpion is essentially a poorly-veiled knock-off of the Rambo movies (specifically the sequels), with the fictional Mombaka standing in for Afghanistan or Vietnam. Nikolai is basically John Rambo with a Russian accent, with Lundgren seemingly impersonating the trained killing machine. As directed by Joseph Zito (who orchestrated a bunch of Chuck Norris-inflicted carnage with Missing in Action), Red Scorpion proceeds with the logic of an adventure comic; playing out like a Saturday morning cartoon masquerading as a live-action feature film. Helicopters and tanks blow up everything in sight and many expendable soldiers do a lot of shooting, often to the musical accompaniment of Little Richard hits. Unfortunately, we've seen it all done before (from the desert landscape to the truck chase to the swooping helicopters), and we've seen it all done better as well. We've seen the muscles, too (the only difference is the faces).

'80s action films are generally recognised for dishing up massive amounts of action and gratuitous violence. Unfortunately, Red Scorpion suffers from a fatal flaw - it tries to say something relevant about the world events of the time at the expense of brainless action. If done properly, drama and seriousness in the context of an action movie can work, but a great deal of this movie is dull and uninteresting (outside of the action, that is). A lot of the runtime is devoted to the Dolphster (at his most buffest) strolling around the desert as he begins to develop a conscience. Where's all the action? The love interest? Red Scorpion contains too much preaching and moralising to satisfy in the same way the Rambo movies did. But at least the action, however limited it is, entertains to no end. Zito crafts a number of chaotic, exciting (yet still daft) shootouts. The final battle in particular is a humdinger.

Considering the budget and target audience, Red Scorpion pretty much achieves its modest goals. Draggy patches notwithstanding, this is an entertaining action movie featuring Dolph Lundgren at the peak of his physical form along with a healthy dosage of one-liners. In the end, however, the film offers nothing new, and the twist of making the hero a Russian is hardly enough to extend the film's appeal beyond the audience of hardcore action fans or loyal Dolph Lundgren followers. If you do not fall into any of the abovementioned categories, give it a miss.

5.0/10