Reviews by PvtCaboose91

At its most basic level, Battle Royale is a combination of Lord of the Flies and The Running Man; utilising the time-worn concept of a group of people who are conscripted, equipped with weapons and forced to kill or be killed until only one contestant remains. It's an idea which dates back to the days of the Roman empire, and has become so beloved by filmmakers that it has been employed for various movies of various genres (from historical epic to futuristic fantasy).

Kinji Fukasaku's Battle Royale (aka Batoru rowaiaru) offers a new twist on this premise. The story is set in the near future when the economy of Japan is on the verge of collapse. Unemployment rates are up, children are boycotting school, and juvenile delinquency is at an all-time high. Fed up with the unruly and disobedient student population, the Japanese government passes the Battle Royale act. In accordance with this act, a school class is selected at random every year and shipped to a remote island to play the game. The rules are simple, as explained on a video by an exuberant Japanese girl: the contest lasts 3 days, and each student has been fitted with an explosive tracking collar that will explode if removed, or if they stray into a "danger zone", or if there's more than one contestant left standing after the 3 days. Each contestant is provided with a bag containing food, water, a compass, a map and a random weapon. Logically, the film focuses on a particular class of teens who are kidnapped and forced to participate. Friendship, love and pacifism all fall by the wayside as the students are presented with the choice of kill or be killed.

One of the greatest strengths of Battle Royale is the realistic portrayal of the adolescent characters who, when placed in a life-threatening situation, still obsess over unrequited love and are unable to let go of their old attachments. The characters serve as a microcosm of any high school class - there's the fat kid, the shy kid, the misfit, the clique of girls, the techno geeks, the young lovers, the kid with a secret, etc - and they all react in varying ways. Some immediately go on a killing rampage (either out of fear or because they are innate assassins). Meanwhile some take the weekend as an opportunity to dish out some payback, and have no scruples about killing those who've bullied them. The protagonists of the film, on the other hand, decide to stick together and avoid killing if possible. Added into the mix are two recent transfer students, who naturally turn out to be the biggest badasses of the bunch. Each death is documented on-screen like a scorecard during a sport event; providing the deceased player's number and name, along with the number of students remaining. However the Battle Royale Act concept is flawed, mainly because there are no spectators. No-one is filming or watching the action, so what's the point of being so elaborate?

Battle Royale is based on the popular novel of the same name by Koushun Takami, and acts as a terrific allegory about the Japanese school system. Japan is well known for its Study-Work-and-Die ethics with rigorous demands within the education and business system. Battle Royale takes this climate and amplifies it, placing the children in a far more desperate situation than working to receive an A-Plus. The targets of satire are numerous, such as the cruel over-expectations of achievements at school (as previously mentioned), as well as the Japanese obsession with authority and obedience, and the obsession with violent anime. The film's soundtrack (largely consisting of booming classical music) affords an epic, Kubrickian scale to the proceedings. However there's one considerable flaw with Battle Royale: the dialogue borders on banal. For instance, there's the overused cliché of characters pledging their undying love to a classmate right before kicking the bucket without a sound or a gurgle...

Veteran director Kinji Fukasaku was 70 years old when he crafted this fine motion picture. Fukasaku previously directed the Japanese scenes in Tora, Tora, Tora on top of a number of Sonny Chiba films, and the rough and tumble series The Yakuza Papers. Battle Royale is proof the director still had a deft hand in the late years of his career. While the violence is over-the-top in its amusing cartoonishness, it's also viscerally disturbing. After all, the only thing more unsettling than watching adolescents die is watching them kill each other. The bar for Battle Royale is set early into the runtime; pulling no punches and keeping the violence coming in a steady flurry. There are two key things that set this film apart from other blood-drenched action offerings: the girls are offed as badly as the boys (action films generally reserve the most horrific death scenes for the males), and the characters are undeniably girls and boys. While Hollywood films try to pass off 30-year-old actors as teenagers, the performers in Battle Royale actually look like adolescents.

Chief among the film's most compelling moments is the closing credits. As the final theme music plays, we are shown a black & white school photograph of the class which has just fought to the death. The various faces of the doomed contestants are focused on; providing a subtle but powerful reminder that these characters weren't mere statistics for an entertaining bloodbath, but in fact normal children who should have had their entire lives ahead of them. This gives the movie a crowning, humanistic touch.

To date, Battle Royale has never received an official U.S. release, but it has become a deserved cult classic on DVD, and the Japanese Academy nominated the film for seven awards (including Best Picture). Quentin Tarantino is an enormous fan of the movie as well (even labelling it as his favourite film released since 1992), and paid tribute by casting Chiaki Kuriyama in Kill Bill: Vol 1. With the great production values, a savvy script and gut-wrenching action sequences that'll leave you in a state of breathless disbelief, Battle Royale is a terrific release, though repeated viewings may highlight the lack of substantial depth.

8.2/10

From time to time, it's great to witness a high quality piece of Oscar-worthy celluloid. But in the world of modern cinema, there are films which exist as slim excuses to subject an audience to a mindless barrage of action set-pieces which defy the laws of logic and nature. When handled correctly, there's nothing wrong with this type of action film. Happily, 2009's The Tournament is an example of a brainless actioner done right. It's no true surprise that this movie was relegated to a straight-to-DVD release, but it nevertheless works as an effortlessly enjoyable 95 minutes of solid entertainment.

The storyline appears to closely resemble The Condemned, which itself was just a version of Battle Royale and The Running Man. Basically, every seven years an event known as "The Tournament" takes place. For this tournament, thirty elite assassins battle it out in a random, unsuspecting town (putting unknowing residents in the crossfire), and the last assassin left alive receives a cash prize along with a prestigious title. Cover stories about terrorist attacks and gas explosions are prepared to keep the tournament a secret to the civilian population. This time 'round, the assassins converge on the town of Middlesbrough, Great Britain (you know, that town which has been voted the worst place to live in the UK). Filling out the roster this year are an assortment of hit-men who use everything from sniper rifles to their own bare hands to bazookas. Complicating the situation is drunk, faithless priest Father Macavoy (Carlyle) who finds himself caught up in the deadly game.

Overseeing the mayhem is a congregation of shady billionaires (is there any other kind?) who watch the entire tournament on a wall of monitors and place wagers on the players. Of course, the entire town of Middlesbrough is wired up with HD video cameras that are part of some network, and two ultra smart computer hackers (who live off Red Bull and talk like they're from a Diablo Cody film) have hacked into the system in order to allow the gambling billionaires to see which contestant is winning. As a side note, it's a mystery as to why this film was written to include 30 assassins locked in combat when almost half of them are dispatched via a standard movie montage. Wouldn't it be easier to just cut down the amount of players?

The Tournament hits the ground running; truly living up to its non-stop action premise. Naturally, there are countless plot holes within the movie which any screenwriter with two brain cells should have been able to close up with ease. For instance, sensors are implanted into every assassin so that they can be tracked, and so the computers can keep up with those who've died. These sensors work on body heat and switch off whenever someone is killed, despite the fact the body actually stays warm for a while after death. Wouldn't it make more sense for the trackers to be paired to a person's pulse? One of the assassins also manages to easily cut out their sensor too, so why doesn't everyone else follow suit? Shouldn't there be a far more effective brand of tracker? Besides, a great assassin shouldn't need the prize money, so why enter a contest with such slim odds of survival? On top of this, the characters have absolutely no depth - they feel like they've been put together using cardboard found in a recycling bin, and they possess no traits to distinguish them from generic clichés one might find straight out of a video game (there's the psychotic shotgun-wielding Texan, a hulking bearded Russian, the Parkour-enhanced French assassin, and so on).

Okay, now that it has been established that The Tournament is illogical, implausible, stupid and shallow...how's the action? It's great you asked, because the action is very goddamn sweet, and the movie as a whole is fun and satisfying. It rises above most others of its ilk due to the fact that it features practically no CGI; affording a grittier, more organic feel. All the action (from the fantastic stunts to the high-octane car crashes to the exciting Parkour) was done for real, and many of the stars performed their own stunts. Director Scott Mann also cleverly intercuts security camera footage into the proceedings (both as part of the action and as part of the television news reporting on the "terrorist incidents" happening throughout Middlesbrough). Furthermore, the acting is actually halfway decent. Robert Carlyle brings great immediacy and intensity to his role, while Ving Rhames is enjoyably badass, and Ian Somerhalder appears to be having a ball. Kelly Hu is nothing but a pretty face, but at least it's a still a pretty face.

Filming for The Tournament initially began in 2007 (in Bulgaria, which has become the go-to place for filmmakers on constricted budgets making straight-to-DVD fodder), but unfortunately the production soon ran out of money. It took so long for the filmmakers to regain financing that the movie had to be re-cast, and filming had to start from scratch. It's good that director Scott Mann stuck to his guns (excuse the pun), because his persistence has resulted in an excellent homage to the Hong Kong actioners of yore. Delivering as much in the action quotient as it skimps in the intelligence quotient, this is not a film meant to be scrutinised for any longer than it takes for the carnage to register in your brain. Take it for what it is.

6.5/10

The idiots responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie should be abducted and forced to watch Black Dynamite so they can see how a good spoof movie is done! While recent spoofs have focused on mimicking familiar film scenes or ripping off celebrities with the idiocy of a 10-year-old boy, Black Dynamite is a nostalgic throwback that simultaneously recreates and celebrates the trademarks of the 1970s blaxploitation genre - the jive pimps in garish outfits, the evil politicians, a funky R&B soundtrack, and dialogue laced with expletives, peculiar slang and ethnic slurs. A gleefully harebrained spoof of all things Shaft and Superfly that plays straight-up stupid with vintage filmmaking aesthetics, this is one of the most consistently hilarious and creative spoofs since the days of Airplane! and its brethren.

Michael Jai White plays the titular character of Black Dynamite; a muscular badass with a lot of guns, an expertise in kung fu and a knack for getting women into bed (or anywhere else that suits him). An evil presence in the city has committed the ultimate crime: they've killed Black Dynamite's kid brother. Dynamite goes on a rampage, tearing up the streets to find the perpetrators. During his quest to serve up payback he also tries to keep kids safe from drugs and protect his bitches from harm. This all leads to the discovery of a terrifying conspiracy against black men.

In tradition with '70s-era blaxploitation films, the protagonist is a noble ass-kicker who spouts odd slang, is very popular with the females and can make villains quake at the very sight of him, whereas the proceedings are coated with a colourful sheen of tacky clothes, crazy cars and hilariously over-the-top fight sequences. Black Dynamite is certainly knowing in its spoofing, but it rarely winks at the audience to signal any sort of self-aware comfort. The film has a fantastic poker face; committing to an enjoyably silly routine of mockery and homage without being too conscious. On top of the high batting average for laughs, the action set-pieces are pretty awesome as well. And, much like all the greatest spoofs in history, one doesn't need a thorough knowledge of the genre being sent up in order to understand the jokes. This is a major asset for Black Dynamite, because, let's be honest, how many '70s blaxploitation flicks has the average person actually seen? In a sense, Black Dynamite is to blaxploitation what the Austin Powers films are to '60s spy flicks. Not many young comedy fans would be familiar with anything like In Like Flint, but that didn't prevent Austin Powers from becoming an extremely popular franchise.

Black Dynamite looks spot-on; as if it were an honest-to-goodness blaxploitation picture that has been sitting in a vault for over thirty years. '70s blaxploitation pictures were low-budget affairs often made without a great deal of technical skill, and Black Dynamite recreates this filmmaking incompetency with astonishing, hilarious accuracy. Director Sanders replicates everything from the colour scheme to the cheesy zoom-ins; from the one-dimensional performances to the obvious editing mistakes. Rather than taking the Grindhouse route of aging the picture in post-production, cinematographer Shawn Maurer filmed on Super-16 colour reversal stock, which generates a high-contrast, richly saturated image that's well-augmented by the excellent imitations of '70s-style clunky camerawork and awkward framing. The sets are an absolute hoot (particularly the wonderfully chintzy White House interiors used during the climax), and the mood is further sold by Adrian Younge's utterly perfect, playful score loaded with funny trills as well as "Dynamite!" vocal hits whenever the titular character enters the room or kicks some ass.

Michael Jai White is pitch-perfect as Black Dynamite; coming across as a credible hero so tough, well-meaning and proud in his embrace of black masculinity that one could easily imagine him being perceived as a point of pride back in the '70s. White manoeuvres through the ridiculous action sequences splendidly, using his extreme physicality to punch villains through walls and brandish phallic weapons convincingly. Similar to the wonderfully obtuse Leslie Nielson (who was a crucial component for the success of the Naked Gun! series), White carries the entire movie and wins you over easily through sheer force of straight-faced absurdity. And that's the key to a great spoof: the characters can never be in on the joke. Black Dynamite nails this perspective with a satisfying consistency, which is particularly laudable when the actor has to deal with the crew's low-budget incompetence (such as a hysterical boom mic joke).

The art of cinematic spoofing has become so degraded by the likes of Date Movie and Epic Movie that it may take several minutes to recognise Black Dynamite as part of this once-brilliant genre. Some may perceive this movie as a simplistic one-joke affair (because it kind of is), and the film does have trouble sustaining its raucous energy, but the solid laughs and inventiveness manage to compensate for the minor blunders.

8.3/10

In his book Apocalypse Movies: End of the World Cinema, author Kim Newman noted that "The more complicated a civilization becomes, the more fun it is to imagine the whole works going up in flames". Roland Emmerich has clearly taken Newman's words to heart, as his career has been built almost exclusively on disaster films; allowing movie-goers to vicariously experience the destruction of Earth via aliens in Independence Day, an atomic-spawned monstrosity in Godzilla and an ice age in The Day After Tomorrow. Why the obliteration of our world is so enjoyable in the eyes of the movie-going public is probably best left to theologians and psychologists, but Emmerich is visibly in tune with it and knows how to exploit it. And for his latest opus, 2012, the director has considerably upped the ante by imagining a true end-of-the-world scenario packed with an incredible assortment of catastrophic destruction. The film operates under the assumption that if we enjoyed seeing isolated mayhem in other disaster flicks, movie-goers will really love witnessing widespread global destruction. Thankfully, it works - this is awesome entertainment.

2012 plays with the theory of the Mayan calendar that the world will end on December 21, 2012. But by conducting a little research on this topic, one will find that there were several other calendars devised around the time of the Mayans, yet only one contained lithographs that appear to be a warning. The only thing scientists can agree on about this calendar is that it simply ends on the feared date before it begins again from zero. There's simply no evidence to suggest the apocalypse will be brought on - doomsayers are just always looking for the next possible date for Earth's destruction (wasn't the world meant to end in the year 2000?). However the Mayan theory is hardly mentioned in this film - it's just a selling point, as well as an excuse for the end of the world to be brought on. From there, the filmmakers have devised a few stabs at hard science that seem convincing on the surface but probably wouldn't pass muster in a high school science course. But all this justification is just smoke and mirrors, because the money is instead in the grandiosity of the disaster.

Speaking from a narrative perspective, 2012 adheres closely to the '70s-era Irwin Allen-style of disaster movies in which a broad array of characters are brought together because of a disaster. The representative Everyman here is divorced, fledging novelist Jackson Curtis, whose ex-wife Kate (Peet) is dating successful plastic surgeon Gordon (McCarthy). Jackson's kids even prefer Gordon over him (notice the clichés so far). As for the earnest professional who discovers the impending destruction of Earth, there's government geologist Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor). The science behind this apocalypse is simple: the Earth begins to heat up from within due to being pelted with intensifying radioactive particles from the sun, causing the planet's crust to break apart and shift. Cue the rollicking silliness. This includes plenty of conventional scenarios that have played out in films since 1980: the eleventh-hour miscalculation that results in the timer speeding up for the impending disaster, the noble daughter who outlives her father, the divorcee who falls back in love, and the character with two days of pilot training who is perfectly able to repeatedly fly everyone to safety.

Too many simultaneous plotlines have always been a key weakness of disaster movies, and 2012 is no different. At about 150 minutes, the length of this movie is indefensible. The script is an appalling concoction of cheesy expository dialogue, painful chunks of ham-fisted character development and blatant contrivances designed solely to bring the characters together and advance the plot. Adding insult to injury, the action doesn't start until about 45 minutes of the runtime have passed! Over-explaining the ludicrous science, unfortunately, results in both sheer boredom and a chance for the audience to mentally dissect the holes in the theory. Since this is meant to be a big Hollywood disaster movie, it's a considerable problem that it takes so long for the action to start. As a side note, the concept of destroying the world is a non-starter from a dramatic perspective. After all, if the story sticks to its guns and the planet is destroyed, it would end on a depressing note that denies viewers the climactic catharsis they'd be expecting. And if the film concludes on a happy note, the whole thing feels as if it was crafted by a studio system willing to sacrifice the integrity of the premise. Alas, the film ends with a tacked-on, embarrassingly saccharine-coated Hollywood ending.

Of course, the average movie-goer doesn't care about the characters or the script, which is good since both are flimsy in the case of 2012. The driving motivation for anyone to see this movie is the mayhem... And boy does Emmerich get that aspect right. As a film that delivers epic destruction, 2012 is unparalleled. Absolutely everything one could want in a disaster epic can be found in this film. Everything. There are earthquakes, volcanos, collapsing skyscrapers, tsunamis, capsized ocean liners, plane crashes, and more. Normal disaster movies kill thousands, while 2012 kills billions without breaking a sweat. The money shots are impeccably sold by the special effects crew who deliver vast images of doom with remarkable detail - the CGI is amazingly close to photorealism. There's some truly multiplex-rocking action to behold within this flick, such as the jaw-droppingly orchestrated and utterly gripping "California is going down" sequence. Reports of the budget for this film range from $200 million to $260 million, and no money went to waste. While plenty of action and a weak human element is a basis to hopelessly hate a movie, Emmerich has an advantage over films like the latest Transformers - he's a good filmmaker. Emmerich has sound knowledge of how to construct breathtaking imagery and action without resorting to a dozen camera edits in a matter of seconds or distracting shaky-cam. He allows his audience to actually watch the mayhem rather than opting for cinematic techniques that induce headaches.

The disaster sequences, while nail-biting, are also preposterous and far too Hollywood. As the destruction commences, Jackson and his family manage to outrace it all without a single hiccup. Later, the concept of outrunning a fireball is reduced to the level of a nursery school feat. The Hollywood-style split-second precision grows irritating rather quickly, with planes taking off at the exact moment the ground gives way. And when the protagonists arrive in Vegas, networks are still broadcasting on television...are the power grids unaffected by the chaos? More stupidity arises when the government commissions the construction of massive arks to save what is left of the human population: these structures are built extremely close to each other, so guess what will happen when all the flood waters rush in at extreme velocity? On top of all this nonsense, there's improbable cell phone reception, an awful Arnold Schwarzenegger vocal imitator, and surveillance cameras with unlikely range.

Is there any reason to care about the characters? Absolutely not - they are caricatures saddled with threadbare motivation and bad dialogue. The cast is more formidable than one might expect from a glorified B-movie, but the acting is still pretty below-par. Thus, 2012 only works when it immerses viewers in the epic action set-pieces rather than trying to develop characters or dole out exposition. It's a highly enjoyable, paint-by-numbers disaster movie that contains some absolutely breathtaking popcorn moments.

6.5/10

It's difficult to classify Bride Wars. It fails as a black comedy. It's not even remotely funny either, so it can't be considered a plain comedy either. As a satire of the bloated wedding industry, it also fails. As a drama about friendship and triumphing over all, it still fails. It'd probably be best to classify it as "an affront to God". Yeah, that works. Now, speaking in general, chick flicks can work if they are sharply written and amusing, but in the case of Bride Wars...RUN! RUN THE FUCK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! If a friend tries to force you into watching it with them, fake a coronary if you have to in order to get yourself out of there. Otherwise you'll be stuck watching the worst movie you've endured for a long time; yearning for a spare moment when you can commit suicide using the television remote or a nearby blunt object. Bride Wars is predictable, offensive and mundane, and entirely devoid of humour.

The film follows lifelong best friends Liv (Hudson) and Emma (Hathaway). Since they were little girls, the two have shared the same dream: a storybook wedding in June at New York's Plaza Hotel. Now in their mid-20s and engaged to nondescript men, the day has come to book the event at the desired venue. Through circumstances too sketchily explained to go into, both Liv and Emma are accidentally booked at the Plaza for the same day at the same time, and the next available slot is three years down the line. Neither of the women will relinquish their fantasy ceremony, so war is declared... And they have absolutely no problem tearing apart a friendship that has lasted so long.

Renowned critic Roger Ebert once coined the phrase "Idiot Plot" to describe the type of story that could be resolved if only the characters stopped being morons. Bride Wars spins off this notion to offer the "Jerk Plot", with a storyline that could be easily resolved if only the characters stopped being assholes. The women aren't willing to do a double wedding (the most logical option considering they are lifelong best friends), or do anything rational that might clear up the conundrum in 10 seconds. The set-up is just a flimsy excuse for a succession of lame revenge sequences, as the two women desperately try to sabotage each other's upcoming nuptials. This is where Bride Wars falls apart the most: the screenplay (courtesy of June Diane Raphael and Casey Wilson) is packed with the dumbest and least inventive schemes. The other problem is that the screenwriters never develop the nerve to create the dark, nasty comedy the movie should have been. The tricks are nasty, but not cruel enough to work as inspired black humour - most are on the level of a subpar Punk'd episode.

Bride Wars is ultimately a numbing, excruciating, artistically bankrupt motion picture. Above all, it's a movie which mistakenly believes viewers will want to like these characters... But we end up hating them instead. And why not? They're mean-spirited, irrational and obnoxiously unlikeable. Even before they begin bitching and scheming, they still come across as superficial twits no-one would like to spend time with, let alone marry! By the time the third act is reached and the treasured/feared wedding day arrives, the screenplay sidesteps all the countless possible endings in order to present a copout conclusion that fails to satisfy on every conceivable level, and replaces the attempts at gags with attempts at sympathy for these detestable characters. For the most part, the grooms are forgotten throughout the movie, but are occasionally allotted screen-time in which they try to offer commonsensical advice before being inevitably shot down. Furthermore, this reviewer found the male positions far more rational and credible than those espoused by their brides-to-be.

Anne Hathaway does fare better than Kate Hudson (who looks distractingly odd throughout the entire movie), but neither are able to make their characters remotely endearing. One can't help but wonder how much longer Hudson will remain a viable leading lady given the string of indefensible comedies she has starred in over the last several years.
At the helm of Bride Wars is Gary Winick (Charlotte's Web, 13 Going on 30), who aggravates the flaws with a generic style punctuated by terrible decisions. The director operates on chick-flick autopilot here (much like the actors), assuming shots of Hudson with blue hair will trigger laughs, and that dialogue about Vera Wang wedding gowns will be sufficient to win over female viewers. Meanwhile the one-liners are strictly in PG territory, which means they're neutered to the point that they're uninteresting. There are also attempts at physical comedy that never comes close to triggering an outbreak of laughter. Furthermore, the movie tries to balance the all-out bitch-fest with a moralistic parable about the value of friendship. But in the end, it fails to satisfy. Everything about this film, from the gags to the messages to the cutesy last scene, feels numbingly obvious.

The problem is not that the characters are shallow and mean. The problem is not that they allow their own selfishness to control their behaviour. In a well-crafted black comedy, these elements are pluses. But Bride Wars is not a black comedy, nor is it well-crafted or clever or remotely enjoyable. Instead, it's so mean-spirited and so lacking in humour that the film cannot be recommend to anybody I don't feel like torturing.

0.5/10

Not to be confused with the Jessica Alba-starring television show of the same name, Dark Angel is a solid fast-paced actioner with an emphasis on science fiction. Given that this is an extremely derivative buddy cop sci-fi film featuring elements of everything from The Hidden to Lethal Weapon, and boasts wooden muscleman Dolph Lundgren as the primary acting talent, this movie is not as bad as it had every right to be. The script is gloriously campy and the film has an eagerness to be an unashamedly ridiculous affair, which promotes Dark Angel by several notches. Not to mention it's also refreshing to stumble upon a sci-fi movie so lacking in pretension and so deeply committed to doing one thing: being downright entertaining.

Lundgren plays dedicated maverick police detective Jack Caine. An intimidating alien drug dealer (Hues) travels to Earth with the intention of forcibly extracting the endorphins from human brains because it's a highly prized and valuable drug on his home planet. Needless to say, it's up to Jack to stop this fucker. During his investigation (so to speak) he receives both assistance and hindrances from strictly by-the-book FBI Agent Harwood Smith (Benben).

If a rapid pace complementing stylish visuals, glorious explosions, fun car chases, groovy kills, several shootouts and a few mano-a-mano fights are to your liking, you're in for a fun time with Dark Angel. If that isn't enough for you, there's also some nifty gadgetry thrown in for good measure (the alien carries a badass, incredibly powerful handgun, and there's another alien weapon which shoots CDs!). If you're a cynical movie-watcher seeking brilliant drama, go watch Gone with the Wind - you have absolutely no business experiencing this fun ride. If it's a violent shoot-'em-up cheese sandwich you're craving, however, then look no further - this is the right Deli. Former stuntman and stunt co-ordinator Craig R. Baxley (who made his directorial debut with 1988's Action Jackson) has crafted a lively, full-steam-ahead action film packed with enough stimulating set-pieces and explosions to appease action enthusiasts. Screenwriters Jonathan Tydor and Leonard Maas Jr. also pack the gimmicky premise with enough tongue-in-cheek humour to indicate that the filmmakers never intended for this film to be taken seriously. Another thing - Dark Angel is blessed with witty one-liners that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud.

And what of Dolph Lundgren, asks yee? The well-built Swedish tank (who first made an impression in Hollywood when he starred in Sylvester Stallone's Rocky IV) has repeatedly proven that he is a dreadful thespian, but (similar to other action heroes) he's still a watchable and endearing protagonist. Co-starring alongside Lundgren is Brian Benben as the whiney FBI agent. It's a great partnership; one which, in the vein of all classic team-ups, starts off hostile and despondent, but soon develops into a strong camaraderie (the type we'd expect from Danny Glover and Mel Gibson). These characters are coupled with Betsy Brantley as the token female, and Matthias Hues as the central villain. Interestingly, Hues had to perform all of his own stunts because no stunt doubles could match his monstrous size.

Dark Angel (which was annoyingly retitled I Come in Peace in the United States, presumably to avoid confusion with the TV series) proudly stands alongside Commando and The Punisher '89 as a genuinely awesome piece of enjoyable action film cheese. It's the hilarious zenith for movies in which big humanlike aliens visit Earth, and pissed off rogues must put an end to the alien's massacring ways. Not a lot can be said in the film's defence as a serious movie since it's incredibly simplistic, utterly predictable and clichéd, but it can easily be defended as a completely unpretentious, all-in-good-fun guilty pleasure.

6.8/10

The real star of Red Scorpion (an '80s action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka) is the glistening, muscle-bound torso of actor Dolph Lundgren. Whenever the action ceases for a period of time, this element becomes the film's primary visual focus. And since the Dolphster is perpetually stone-faced and only occasionally speaks to issue clichéd commands in a hesitant monotone, his heaving chest manages to convey more emotion than his inarticulate lips. While this is more or less a given considering that the 1980s was a period of Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Red Scorpion is a comparatively subpar effort for one simple reason: lack of quality action.

In the film, Lundgren portrays a Spetsnaz (that is, an excellent Soviet agent trained in undercover work) named Nikolai Rachenko who's assigned to infiltrate and squelch a force of African rebels. While he manages to crash their stronghold, he fails to kill their leader - and his failure enrages his superiors. Having been discarded by his allies, Nikolai unexpectedly sides with the rebels; wishing to put an end to the killing and repressing of the African people. In essence, the movie concerns Nikolai's struggle with his orders. At first he is an unwavering soldier who does precisely what he's told, but he soon develops a growing resistance to his orders before finally becoming outright disgusted about the Soviet and Cuban oppression in Africa. It's worth noting that the title is derived from the scorpion that's carved into Lundgren's bountiful chest (he earns the nickname Red Scorpion, in case you didn't figure that out for yourself).

Red Scorpion is essentially a poorly-veiled knock-off of the Rambo movies (specifically the sequels), with the fictional Mombaka standing in for Afghanistan or Vietnam. Nikolai is basically John Rambo with a Russian accent, with Lundgren seemingly impersonating the trained killing machine. As directed by Joseph Zito (who orchestrated a bunch of Chuck Norris-inflicted carnage with Missing in Action), Red Scorpion proceeds with the logic of an adventure comic; playing out like a Saturday morning cartoon masquerading as a live-action feature film. Helicopters and tanks blow up everything in sight and many expendable soldiers do a lot of shooting, often to the musical accompaniment of Little Richard hits. Unfortunately, we've seen it all done before (from the desert landscape to the truck chase to the swooping helicopters), and we've seen it all done better as well. We've seen the muscles, too (the only difference is the faces).

'80s action films are generally recognised for dishing up massive amounts of action and gratuitous violence. Unfortunately, Red Scorpion suffers from a fatal flaw - it tries to say something relevant about the world events of the time at the expense of brainless action. If done properly, drama and seriousness in the context of an action movie can work, but a great deal of this movie is dull and uninteresting (outside of the action, that is). A lot of the runtime is devoted to the Dolphster (at his most buffest) strolling around the desert as he begins to develop a conscience. Where's all the action? The love interest? Red Scorpion contains too much preaching and moralising to satisfy in the same way the Rambo movies did. But at least the action, however limited it is, entertains to no end. Zito crafts a number of chaotic, exciting (yet still daft) shootouts. The final battle in particular is a humdinger.

Considering the budget and target audience, Red Scorpion pretty much achieves its modest goals. Draggy patches notwithstanding, this is an entertaining action movie featuring Dolph Lundgren at the peak of his physical form along with a healthy dosage of one-liners. In the end, however, the film offers nothing new, and the twist of making the hero a Russian is hardly enough to extend the film's appeal beyond the audience of hardcore action fans or loyal Dolph Lundgren followers. If you do not fall into any of the abovementioned categories, give it a miss.

5.0/10

Mere months after Predator hit cinemas in mid-1987, action superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger was back in action for The Running Man. Loosely based on the novel by Stephen King (under the pseudonym of Richard Bachman), this is a fast-paced, futuristic action film which satirises television, greed, social injustice, and America's preoccupation with violence and game shows. Furthermore, it's chock-full of '80s goodness: bad hair, worse clothing, and abundant neon. On this note, The Running Man is one of the most definitive Arnie movies of its decade - it contains requisite violence, bad puns, cheesy one-liners, hammy acting and, of course, the star's signature catchphrase, "I'll be back." Although dated in some respects, there is an irresistible, goofy quality to The Running Man which keeps it enjoyable and fun in 2020.

In adapting the novel, screenwriter Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) respects the source material while simultaneously forging his own path, with the finished film only vaguely resembling King's literary work. Primarily designed as a star vehicle for Arnie, The Running Man showcases the Austrian Oak fighting his way through a variety of gaudy combatants, who carry chainsaws and flamethrowers, and have names like Buzzsaw, Fireball, Dynamo and Subzero. Similar to Commando, de Souza also supports Schwarzenegger with a gutsy female side-kick/love interest (played by María Conchita Alonso) and ample macho one-liners. The script satirises contemporary TV trends, particularly in relation to the way that the government and corporations placate the oppressed masses through mindless, escapist mass media. Other satirical elements also raise laughs, such as Richards getting a court-appointed theatrical agent after his arrest. This social commentary is not fully-formed, nor is it revolutionary, but it does give the mayhem a bit more gravitas than your usual Arnie fare. Just do not expect something as thought-provoking as Network or The Truman Show.

Despite the thoughtful themes, The Running Man is a predictably silly movie. It is baffling, for instance, that the cameras recording the titular game show capture the action from implausible cinematic angles - the show cuts between close-ups and wide shots, yet no cameramen are ever visible. Furthermore, there is no explanation for the existence of footage showing Richards in the helicopter when he is framed. But these points are minor and not overly niggling, since this is a big dumb Arnie movie, and suspension of disbelief is a requirement. It is interesting, however, that The Running Man managed to mock this brand of reality/game shows before they started in earnest. After all, the titular program is merely Survivor with weapons, and the short-lived TV show Manhunt in 2001 involved contestants being pursued by bounty hunters with paintball guns. The Running Man's premise also inspired action films like The Condemned and Gamer.

The dystopic vision of Los Angeles here takes inspiration from the likes of Blade Runner and Escape From New York, and the special effects are convincing enough considering the movie's age. Nevertheless, aspects of the production are terribly dated, such as the laughable technology - bulky CRT TVs, audio cassette tapes, low-grade computer graphics, and computers which amount to DOS terminals. And, of course, '80s fashion trends are all over the screen, with kitschy leotards and ridiculous hairstyles. The synth/electronica score by Harold Faltermeyer does show its age, and some awful '80s pop garbage pollutes the soundtrack as well, but there is an inherent charm to all of these elements which makes The Running Man so entertaining. Director Paul Michael Glaser (best known for playing Starsky in TV's Starsky and Hutch) capably stages the action sequences with requisite energy, though this is not a uniquely stylish sci-fi feature. Nevertheless, the pacing is quick, the action is comprehensible, and the film is violent as hell, which is all that matters in the realm of Schwarzenegger vehicles.

By the time Red Heat was released, Arnold Schwarzenegger was already a well-established Hollywood star, and the mismatched buddy cop flick had become a popular action subgenre. And at the helm of Red Heat is none other than Walter Hill, who practically invented the buddy cop genre with his 1982 hit 48 Hrs. (which he directed and co-scripted). In spite of the ostensibly genius pairing of Arnie and James Belushi, this is just a standard genre film with violent action, a dash of cheesy one-liners, a generic police movie storyline, and nothing truly groundbreaking. Apart from a few changes, the plot is extremely similar to 48 Hrs. - right down to the hackneyed "outsider must prove himself" plot element.

The Schwarzenegger role in Red Heat is Russian policeman Captain Ivan Danko. After witnessing the death of his partner at the hands of drug boss Viktor Rostavili (O'Ross), Danko is sent to Chicago where Rostavili is waiting to be extradited. Upon his arrival in America he's assigned two LAPD escorts, and develops a rocky friendship with detective Art Ridzik (Belushi). But the routine extradition turns into a bloody mess as Rostavili escapes and Ridzik's partner ends up in the morgue. With the dangerous Rostavili on the streets, Ridzik and Danko must overcome their mutual distrust and cultural differences in order to bring him to justice.

In case you haven't already guessed, there aren't many surprises in store and the plot is both thin and familiar. Throughout the course of the proceedings, Ridzik and Danko become fast friends. The bond develops partly because Rostavili killed both men's partners, and also because they're men - they share the same ideology. Once the hunt for Rostavili begins, the film offers nothing but a solid chain of action. While it's endowed with an abundance of exciting set-pieces, Red Heat is unable to rank as one of the best of its genre simply because it's quite undistinguished, and the merger of action and comedy fails to gel. It certainly delivers action, but the comedy is virtually non-existent.

Red Heat is one of a string of '80s movies produced by Mario Kassar and Andrew Vajna for Carolco Pictures, and those familiar with their other efforts (the Rambo and Terminator movies) can expect the same "feel" - that is, the action is violent and gritty, it's adamantly old-school, and it's very watchable. Director Walter Hill has crafted some terrific action sequences for which he deserves high praise. The final showdown in particular (which contains Arnie playing chicken against Rostavili with buses) is wonderfully over-the-top. Red Heat is also the first movie to be filmed in Moscow's Red Square - the filmmakers failed to obtain a permit, so they dropped in for a one-day shoot with a camera, the required cast members and two crew members.

As we all should know, Arnold Schwarzenegger has never landed a role based on amazing acting abilities. In fact, if there's an actor who's picked on extensively for lack of talent, it's the prestigious Governator. Awful Russian accent aside, he's perfectly suited to the character of Ivan Danko - it's the role of an emotionless Russian officer with broken English; giving Schwarzenegger the chance to submit another of his brilliant physical performances. Then there are the action sequences - Arnie nails them all. Sure, he brings nothing new to the table, but Arnie is Arnie, none more so than throughout the late '80s. What you see is exactly what you get, and what you get is a rock-solid action performance from a rock solid action professional.

Belushi hasn't been mentioned yet, and that's for a good reason. As previously mentioned, while Red Heat is a perfectly serviceable and enjoyable switch-your-brain-off actioner, the comedy is generally flat (a few notable one-liners notwithstanding). The pairing of Schwarzenegger and Belushi (which echoes the Eddie Murphy/Nick Nolte partnership in 48 Hrs.) doesn't amount to much - it's without a necessary comic spark. Whenever the film focuses on the relationship between Danko and Ridzik, the pacing drags. To round out the cast there's the enormously appealing Peter Boyle (R.I.P.) as the police commander (whenever he raises his voice, it's impossible not to get images of Everybody Loves Raymond), the lovely Gina Gershon as the damsel in distress, the menacing Ed O'Ross as Rostavili, and a young Laurence Fishburne who makes a brief appearance as Ridzik's superior officer.

Red Heat (which arrived 3 years after Sylvester Stallone gave the almighty Soviet Union a bloody nose in Rocky IV) works as a superficially entertaining action-thriller. It doesn't deliver a great deal of comedy (an ingredient that could have ensured this film a place in the buddy movie hall of fame), but what it does deliver is a bunch of pulse-pounding action set-pieces. This is a must-see for Arnie's most devoted fans.

5.9/10

The enormous popularity and strong cult following of the brilliant Canadian vérité-style TV show Trailer Park Boys ensured a feature-length motion picture would eventually materialise - and it has arrived in the form of the gleefully crass and unapologetically non-PC Trailer Park Boys: The Movie. While this film doesn't necessary jive with some of the continuity established in the long-running television show, it's easily forgivable since the humour is in the same vein and the characters are still their usual selves.

For those who require a little context, Trailer Park Boys chronicles the get rich quick schemes of Ricky (Wells), Julian (Tremblay) and Bubbles (Smith); three inhabitants of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park in Nova Scotia. Ricky is the loser of the group who lives in his car, drinks liquor out of cat dishes and is a small-time pot farmer. Julian is the smart one who is unable to succeed due to Ricky's sheer idiocy. The strange bespectacled Bubbles cares for stray kittens and makes money by stealing shopping carts, fixing them, and selling them back to the mall. The trio are also accompanied by their sidekicks Cory (Bowles) and Trevor (Jackson), who aim to please Ricky no matter how much trouble he gives them. The trailer park is watched over in Gestapo-like fashion by alcoholic former police officer Jim Lahey (Dunsworth) and his perpetually shirtless, hamburger-eating, former male prostitute right hand man Randy (Roach). A few new faces are introduced in the film too, such as Hugh Dillon as the owner of a local gentlemen's club, and Nichole Hiltz playing a dancer who has eyes for Julian.

Towards the beginning of the movie, Ricky and Julian are at the tail end of a gaol sentence. They're let out early because Ricky is skilled at hockey, and the guards believe that getting rid of him will help their chances in the hockey tournament. Back in Sunnyvale Trailer Park, the boys (now reunited with Bubbles and the rest of their companions) begin to plot a way to earn a living. They begin contemplating what comes to be known as "the big dirty"; a heist that will allow the boys to retire from their life of crime forever. When it occurs to Julian that coins are untraceable and aren't as prosecutable as notes, the gang attempt to rob a few parking meters, which ultimately leads to the theft of a giant change container at a local cinema. Meanwhile, the everlastingly drunk Mr. Lahey tries to get the trio evicted.

Prison, car homes, theft, perpetual drinking, weed, skanks and shambolic cat accommodation decorate this fly-on-the-wall tale of these trailer park lowlifes. As absurd and off-putting as it is to follow the lives of proud hobos, the clandestine wit combined with a certain base humour will quickly ensnare tentative viewers. From the get-go, the protagonists say and do undeniably stupid things, but manage to come up with brilliant scams to get themselves out of trouble. While jokes and situations from the original show are recycled here, it all fits. After all, each episode of the TV show concerned the boy's latest scheme or latest dilemma - this just follows that tradition. Like all TV-show-to-movie conversions, this just feels like an extended episode. But considering the unhinged fun on offer, who really gives a shite?

The Trailer Park Boys big screen debut is a success no matter how you look at it. The gags are very funny, and contain the right mix of sweetness, natural warmth and crassness. The television series always maintained a sense of humanity and heart (otherwise the show would just seem like a showcase of unpleasant characters who trade verbal jabs for the hell of it), and this is thankfully retained for Trailer Park Boys: The Movie. Better, the characters are never degraded or glorified. Meanwhile the excessive profanity in addition to the drug and alcohol-laced humour works extraordinary well because the characters are all developed nicely, and this type of comedy suits their personalities. The laughs never feel forced; instead, they all seem to be a natural extension of the film's key players. Ricky, for instance, never finished school, drinks excessively and gets stoned frequently, and therefore the way he mucks up words and swears a lot feels appropriate. The only noticeable flaw is that the film drags from the 60-minute mark until about the 80-minute mark. In all likelihood, this is a side effect of being accustomed to viewing the show in 30-minute episodes, or it could be a side effect of laughing so damn hard for the first hour.

Like the TV show, a mockumentary style has been employed, meaning there are to-camera asides and extensive use of handheld camera. The movie was lensed on gritty 16mm film, which lends itself well to the documentary aesthetic. Trailer Park Boys: The Movie is not a visually impressive film at all, but it doesn't need to be or aspire to be - it's more concerned with pace and comedic timing. Stylistically, the only deviation from the television show is the fact that the testimonials have been cut down considerably, and the camera crew are not actual characters. Interestingly, while fans of the TV series will appreciate this movie much movie, it's still an enjoyable watch for the uninitiated (though they'd probably find the movie funnier the second time around).

The entire cast is wonderfully committed and appear to be having one hell of a fun time. As Ricky, Rob Wells has an overripe Elvis handsomeness (with a gut to match) as well as a hysterical single-mindedness in his determination to do two things: get back to gaol to win an important hockey tournament, and return to his former life of domestic bliss when he grew & sold weed. John Paul Tremblay plays Julian with a terrific deadpan comic persona, and is NEVER seen without a glass of rum & coke. Meanwhile Mike Smith's performance as Bubbles is endearing and downright hilarious. His semi-autistic shtick fits the character perfectly. Lucy Decoutere is winning as Ricky's ecdysiastically enthusiastic love interest, as is Lydia Lawson-Baird as Ricky's pre-teen daughter Trinity. It would take all day to list the rest of the brilliant cast members, so it'd be easier to sum them all up - they all embody their characters perfectly, and carry out their duties superbly.

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie has received largely dismissive reviews, but as far as caper films go, this one is perfectly serviceable and highly enjoyable. It's unpretentious and eager to please.

7.7/10