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First Viewing Viewing Date: December 26th Via: Netflix Plot: A school teacher is forced to confront a brutal act from his past when a pair of ruthless drifters takes him and his family on a nightmare road-trip. Rating: 5.9/10

Christmastime Viewings: 2021 (34 movies items)

" Glad you enjoyed Night Drive! Thanks for the recommendation! I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise!"

First Viewing Plot: An orphan drummer boy who hated humanity finds his life changed forever when he meets three wise men on route to Bethlehem.

So this was... fine, I guess. I figured I should squeeze in a Rankin/Bass classic for all of my December marathons, and I needed something respectable to ensure the abominable Black Christmas wasn't going to close out the list. Sufficiently charming and tight but undeniably dated, Little Drummer Boy never really grabbed my full attention, but I did appreciate the songs. And that's about all I have to say.

First Viewing Plot: A group of female students is stalked by a stranger during their Christmas break. That is until the young sorority pledges discover that the killer is part of an underground college conspiracy.

Jesus wept, this movie is fucking dreadful. It's despicable filmmaking from top to bottom; boring, incompetent, and with a script that makes Movie 43 look solid in comparison. This is a horror movie without anything in the way of horror, tension, suspense or white-knuckle terror. The attack scenes just happen, and no suspense precedes any of the kills, which amount to the laziest and most ineffective jump scares I've ever seen. I didn't give a fuck about any of the characters at any time during the movie, making me feel even more detached from the proceedings. It's also PG-13, so the kills are bloodless and there aren't even any creative moments of gore. The camera shies away from capturing anything bloody; one person slowly turns a corpse around which has a shard of glass embedded in its head, and it abruptly cuts to the reaction shot before the wound is even visible. The directing is atrocious, to the point that a random action showdown during the climax is completely unexciting and downright boring. There's no visual style or flair to this cinematic diarrhea. But the worst part of this Black Christmas is the politics. This is a piece of political activism full of wrong-headed grandstanding and propaganda, wherein all white males are portrayed as stupid pieces of shit and the only decent man is the only male of color in the ensemble. Subtle. Plus, the dialogue sounds like an ill-informed Twitter diatribe. But for a female empowerment movie, it's astonishing how many of the female victims don't fight back and just accept their fate. And then, randomly, at the end the female survivors (heh, subtle) suddenly turn into a platoon of soldiers and launch a coordinated attack. They couldn't even do the laziest cinematic shorthand of making some of these females martial artists or army reserve members, to give them some motivation. Fucking hell. I could keep going on and on about the horrendous scripting (this movie was scripted, shot and edited in 5 months), but I've wasted enough of my time already. Black Christmas is a shit smear of a movie, and it's an official insult that it's even called Black Christmas. I'd rather watch the dreadful 2006 Black Christmas on a loop for the rest of my life than ever endure this pelican shit again.

First Viewing Viewing Date: December 23rd Via: Netflix Plot: A group of female students is stalked by a stranger during their Christmas break. That is until the young sorority pledges discover that the killer is part of an underground college conspiracy. Rating: ZERO FUCKING STARS

First Viewing Plot: A local celebrity and successful nightclub manager, Tony Towers is also engaged to a younger woman, Sue. Things get a little strange when he embarks upon the 3:17 train to Nottingham for a Christmas family reunion.

Well, this was extremely disappointing. A late entry to the December marathon, Last Train to Christmas caught my attention via social media as I follow some of the actors who appear in this, and the fact that it's led by Michael Sheen and Cary Elwes certainly intrigued me, but there's not much to recommend here. After an intriguing and entertaining first act which ably demonstrates the clever time-travelling gimmick, the movie seriously drags throughout its second act before closing on a whimper. I appreciate that the different time periods are portrayed via different cinematic techniques, and that's easily the most successful aspect of the movie, but it doesn't add up to much when there's so little in the way of substance. Even the age make-up is mostly disappointing, with Sheen's older self looking extremely unconvincing at times. Sheen still carries the movie, however, and there's scarcely a wrong foot trodden by the talented cast, but the storytelling really lets this thing down. It's too ambitious and doesn't do enough with the terrific concept. I'll give it points for the concept, the acting and the visual execution (and, as I said, the breezy first act held my attention), but this is otherwise a disappointing TV movie that I doubt I'll ever revisit.

First Viewing Plot: A counterfeiter finds the true meaning of the holidays when he hides from the cops in a suburban neighborhood and befriends some of the local children.

A Disney telemovie from the 1980s which was pulled out of the vault for Disney+ revival, The Christmas Star caught my attention due to the presence of the late, great Ed Asner. What better to honor the cherished thespian than to watch one of his movies during my December marathon? And, happily, I dug it more than anticipated. Without emerging as an all-time classic, it's a Christmas movie that hits all the right notes with adequate filmmaking confidence, and it doesn't feel as cloying or as artificial as one might expect from a Disney production. Even though it's G-rated, there's still a semblance of reality permeating the movie, and, when it dabbles in the more fantastical right at the end, it's a surprisingly effective moment. There's shades of Bad Santa here, and I even discovered some parallels to the Aussie movie A Sunburnt Christmas from last year, though The Christmas Star is inoffensive and well-suited for children. Asner steals the show here, as expected, and has the right look for Santa Claus.

First Viewing Plot: A ride share driver's life is turned upside down after an unexpected series of misfortunes.

Not strictly a Christmas movie but still sufficiently related to be counted among this year's Christmastime viewings, Night Drive is an enthralling low-budget indie thriller with big ambitions. Produced for a paltry sum of money, it looks visually slick throughout and features a terrific cast; the Aussie-born Sophie Dalah is a particular standout as Charlotte, coming across as charming yet dangerous. Admittedly, not everything works here; a third-act sequence in which Russell (AJ Bowen) is following Charlotte's directions but is held up by police should be taut and intense (à la Collateral), but comes across as silly and theatrical. However, there are far more hits than misses with this film. Free of political grandstanding, Night Drive is a rock-solid night at the movies during December or any time of the year.

First Viewing Viewing Date: December 20th Via: Amazon Prime Video (via VPN) Plot: A ride share driver's life is turned upside down after an unexpected series of misfortunes. Rating: 6.9/10

First Viewing Plot: Abby intends to propose to her girlfriend, Harper, while spending Christmas with Harper's family. However, Abby soon finds out that Harper's family don't know they're a couple - and don't even know that she's gay.

When I watch a Christmas movie, I expect a certain level of charm and/or humour, but mostly I expect some escapism to deliver some Christmas cheer. Happiest Season does nothing of the sort. This is not so much a movie but a piece of activism, complete with "down with the patriarchy" themes to supplement the lesbian romance at the centre of the story. It's not even bold because such a concept occupies a "safe space" in 2021 - this would've been more groundbreaking in the '80s or '90s. Therefore, it has nothing new to say. And it doesn't help that every hoary rom-com cliché comes out to play, from the gay best friend to exes coming out of the woodwork, secrets being kept from the family, etc. Happiest Season didn't make me laugh or cry, and I wasn't even invested in the story. I expected more.

First Viewing Plot: The Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.

Great Odin's raven, this is terrible. I was at least hoping for a "so bad it's good" type of B-movie (or Z-movie, as it were) that I could laugh at, but I was shit out of luck. The infamously awful Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has been on my list since I first started rounding up annual Christmas movies, and now I kinda wish that I never bothered - although now I can finally say that I sat through it, at least. Boring and incompetent, the film has precisely no fun with its hammy premise, with laughably atrocious sets and costumes that wouldn't pass muster in an old Doctor Who serial. I wanted to see Santa actually doing battle with the Martians, but we don't get that. Instead, the movie is mostly bad actors standing around on cheap sets saying forgettable dialogue. I'm surprised this hasn't been remade yet, as there are infinite possibilities around Santa doing battle with aliens. According to IMDb, a remake is in development... I guess I'll check it out.

First Viewing Plot: Upon learning of a terminal illness, a shy woman decides to sell all her possessions and live it up at a posh Central European hotel.

A remake of the old Ealing comedy of the same name starring Alec Guinness, Last Holiday is a perfectly reasonable contemporary comedy: it's well-made, light, enjoyable, inoffensive and humorous, with a central moral message about living life to the fullest. It's also not strictly a Christmas movie; although it's set at Christmastime, the film does barely anything to tie into this (which is bizarre), and it could have been set at any time of the year. I can't say I'm a Queen Latifah fan, and she does mug for the camera from time to time, but her leading performance is mostly fine here, and it's fun to see the inimitable Giancarlo Esposito in a comedy, years before his Breaking Bad days. It's formulaic and predictable, and changes the ending of the original movie for something more upbeat and cheery. As far as these types of films go, you could do worse than Last Holiday.

First Viewing Viewing Date: December 18th Via: Amazon Prime Video Plot: Upon learning of a terminal illness, a shy woman decides to sell all her possessions and live it up at a posh Central European hotel. Rating: 6.4/10

First Viewing Plot: The well-off Smith family has four beautiful daughters. 17-year old Esther has fallen in love with the boy next door who has just moved in, John. The family is shocked when Mr. Smith reveals that he has been transferred to New York for work, meaning that the family will have to leave St. Louis.

The last holiday classic I have lined up for this Christmas season, Meet Me in St. Louis did not impress me much, but neither did it repulse me. It's a perfectly fine musical romance partly set at Christmastime, and it carries all of the hallmarks of old Hollywood flicks from this era: colourful cinematography, ample musical numbers, Judy Garland, etc. Unfortunately, the story failed to adequately draw me in, the second act, in particular, is short on momentum, and it's too long for such a simplistic romantic fable. However, it's nice to finally tick this one off the list.

First Viewing Viewing Date: December 18th Via: iTunes Store Plot: The well-off Smith family has four beautiful daughters. 17-year old Esther has fallen in love with the boy next door who has just moved in, John. The family is shocked when Mr. Smith reveals that he has been transferred to New York for work, meaning that the family will have to leave St. Louis. Rating: 6.0/10